Thirty-seven

So yesterday was my 37th birthday. Woo hoo! My birthday has always been a big deal to me. For an attention-starved girl, I looked forward to the day when everyone had to be nice & pay attention to me.

Oh, neuroses… so fun.

I told friends & CG to not get me anything & I meant it. I have PLENTY & let’s be honest – I’m 37. If I want something, I’m just gonna buy it. 🤷‍♀️ I got some flowers, a day planner, & a lavender candle. Fucking perfect.

I spent the day driving around town getting all my birthday freebies, so much so, the bank put a hold on my card lol. I had to call & confirm that, yes, these were my charges. “There were some unusual activities, Ms. C.” Well, that’s because I don’t do spending sprees. I chuckled & appreciated their concern.

I had some highs & some lows. I don’t wanna get into details as I’m trying hard to move past it. I spent most of the day offline & by the end of the night, I had broken down & cried. Within 2-3 hours, my birthday happiness had tanked. It was rough.

Ugh. Live & learn.

So with moving forward, I was thinking about how I’m in my late 30s (whoa) & I need to set some goals. I can’t do super long-term goals as I’ve learned it just stirs up a shitload of anxiety for me. Even the thought of 5 years is overwhelming & makes my heart race. But I can do 6 months, 1 year, or 3 years…maybe. Three years is really pushing it for me. It’s the absolute max for how far out I wanna think. Even that feels a little too scary. 😬

I’m sure I’ll edit these but here’s my skeleton:

• BODY
  • 3 MONTHS:
    • Back to the gym consistently (I’ve been off thanks to injuries, sickness, & no car. Fucking hate it when life interrupts what I wanna do)
    • Down 12 lbs. That’s roughly a size.
    • Squatting 150 lbs. That would be amazing.
  • 1 YEAR:
    • Goal weight or close to it. I don’t have a certain number in mind. More like a range.
    • I think it would be badass to deadlift 225 lbs. That’s 2 plates on each side. Ahh! So sexy.
    • To feel comfortable in my own skin.
  • 3 YEARS:
    • No fucking clue. I can’t even imagine it. It’s too far out for me.

• RELATIONSHIPS
  • 3 MONTHS:
    • I’d like to consistently have some dates on the schedule. I don’t care if it’s once a month. Just SOMETHING that I know is marked off to have some one-on-one time. This spontaneous, “what are you doing tonight?” shit is stressing me out. Plan it, baby. PLAN IT.
  • 1 YEAR:
    • Maybe schedule some time away? I’m not sure. Even that sounds “iffy” to me. Sigh… anxiety really fucking sucks, you guys.
  • 3 YEARS:
    • To go somewhere internationally for my 40th. That would kick so much ass.

• FAMILY
  • 3 MONTHS:
    • I’m thinking about making a plan to see my Grandma while she’s still around. Last I saw her was when Grandpa died & her health has been declining. She’s gotta be around 90 so I’m on a clock. I thought a 3-day weekend over a holiday like Pesach would be nice.
  • 1 YEAR:
    • I really have no desire to see my other Grandma or that side of the family. I’m sure that’s cold but they are all dicks to me. I don’t think they’ve ever said anything loving or encouraging to me that wasn’t laced with insults or their agenda for my life. And as Dr. G says, “Don’t engage with them,” so I’m not.
    • Maybe I’ll visit my cousin, CJ. I’ve been missing him lately.
  • 3 YEARS:
    • Again, can’t do it.

• MONEY
  • 3 MONTHS:
    • I have this last medical bill for $2000. I don’t think I can pay it all off by then but I’m hoping to cut it in half. Seems doable, right?
  • 1 YEAR:
    • Out of credit card & medical debt. Work on savings & student loans
  • 3 YEARS:
    • Pay off student loans. Good God. I fucking hate these.

   

• RELIGION
  • 3 MONTHS:
    • Continue with my Judaism course. Work through some shit that comes with changing religions. 😉
  • 1 YEAR:
    • Fully convert. I feel like I’ll be ready by then & hopefully, Rabbi will agree.
  • 3 YEARS:
    • Maybe convince my family that my soul isn’t in danger? I don’t know. 🙄

I’m sure you noticed that I didn’t mention mental health. That’s because it’s too unknown to me. Nothing is solid as I’m still growing & adjusting to what a normal, healthy life should be. It’s been a real struggle.

Ugh. Okay, I got a plan. Time to move forward, yes? Yes!