I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in a while. It’s nothing personal. I’ve been so swamped at work that nothing else has been getting done. But I do have some time now, so let me get you caught up with what’s in my mind.
I’ve noticed this trend happening in not only my life but some of my friends’ lives as well. Where’s the line between forgiveness & stupidity? How many times do you forgive someone for making the same mistake? When does grace run out?
For one friend, it was when the police showed up. For another, it was when she was trying to covering up her bruises with makeup & long sleeves. For another, it was when his wife left.
For me, I think it’s now.
I make myself readily available to anyone who needs me because I know what it’s like to feel alone & broken. I drop everything & give my all. But it isn’t appreciated. My needs are still pushed off. There’s always some excuse, some reason why my desires aren’t important right now. I’ve been told everything from “soon” to “later” to “next week” but there is no follow through. These are just words said to appease me, to keep me on hold in hopes that I stick around.
I feel like a fool. I’ve tried over & over to be patient, to be loving, to be understanding. I’m the only one here for them. Everyone else is gone. Instead of being here with me, they’re focused on chasing ghosts.
Sigh.
I don’t feel important. I don’t feel needed. I don’t feel wanted. They claim they need me in their lives but their actions say otherwise. It makes me think of this Rick & Morty line, “You don’t miss me. You just miss the person who loved you so much, you didn’t have to love them back.”
I even told them I had one foot out the door to stress my seriousness. And yet, they don’t bother to chase me or to make amends or to make any positive changes. Instead, they canceled our plans.
I guess it’s my time to go. I don’t get it but whatever. This is their decision.
I had several OCD “episodes” this past weekend. Things that I used to think were just normal, or at least, normal for me. I thought it would be best to share these struggles with you, my lovely reader. Not only does sharing weaken its power over me but it also brings awareness and hope and maybe even some comfort if you’re struggling too. 😊
So, in no particular order, let me share some of the obsessive or compulsive tendencies that I’m struggling with.
Mind you, this isn’t easy for me. I’m having to take a lot of breaks. Thank you for virtually holding my hand. ❤️
CANDLES
I’ve been lighting candles a lot lately. I haven’t really done that since I was 18 & in my first apartment, right after my parents kicked me out of the house (But that’s another story for another day). Little cheap votives or dollar store pillars brought me comfort and peace in the midst of my stormy life.
On Friday, after cleaning my house for Shabbat, I lit a few candles throughout the house. They were unscented because can you imagine that many scented ones?! Oy.
I went to blow one out the other day before I left the house. It should’ve been a quick exhale and off I go. But it wasn’t.
I went back to check it 3-4 times. And not like I had forgotten if I blew it out. No, this is different. This is more like, “Okay, make sure you actually blew it out so you don’t set the house on fire… Okay, check it again… And again…” It doesn’t stop. It doesn’t matter how many times I checked it. My inner voice was like, “Do it again.” I felt compelled to run down the hall & check it again. I couldn’t stop.
After the 3rd or 4th time, I screamed at myself, “FUCKING STOP!” I stood there for a minute to regain control over myself. I forced back tears, took a deep breath, grabbed my purse, & headed out the door. It was still playing in my head. When I came back home, I ran into the room to see if it was still out.
Days later, I can’t walk by that room without checking. There isn’t even a candle there. This is the hell I’m in.
TEXTS
This past weekend, a couple of my besties were out of town (not together, different trips for different reasons). It was just one of those weekends when the planets were aligned or something & they were gone or extremely busy. Given that I’m on medication & in therapy, I’ve been doing my best to apply what I’ve learned. “Finding the evidence” & whatnot, right?
I tried to play it cool but I was anything but cool. I’m sure they’ll read this & be like, “I had no idea!” I don’t say any of this to guilt them. This is just what it’s like in my world.
For example, LC went to a tap convention. I really wanted to go with her but it wasn’t gonna work out with my schedule for that weekend. I somehow had convinced myself all weekend that she was upset with me.
I know. That’s ridiculous. But let me show you what I did. And not just with LC…
I didn’t stop checking my phone for texts. I refreshed & restarted dozens of time. I would do it once. And then again. And again. And again. I couldn’t stop. I kept pulling up the convo & seeing if I missed anything. “No? Okay… how about now?…No? Okay. And now?” And on & on & on.
I was starting to shake & get chest pains from it. Why couldn’t I stop? They’re fine. They’re alive. Just busy. THAT’S ALL. But it isn’t rational. It’s this deep desire to check it again. And again. And again.
I finally got to the point where I had to archive the convo & I tried to walk away. They were okay; I was not. I was torturing myself. Why couldn’t I stop? That is what’s extremely difficult to describe. I could no sooner stop myself from breathing or my heart from beating. Even archiving the convo, I found myself pacing the room & fidgeting with my hands. I don’t smoke but I found myself wanting a cigarette to help calm me down. Fuck, anything to help, right? It’s a dark side that no one sees.
It took me a few days but I finally got over the hump. Basically when they all got back home & were safe. I’m still quick to answer everything though.
Fuck, even talking about it is making my chest hurt.
BEING RIGHT
Ben Wyatt is meant to be funny here but it rings too true for me. I have this deep need to not only be right (childhood issues, survival skills, etc.) but to correct others when they’re wrong. I don’t say it to be rude. I was scolded for this behavior when I was younger. “SC! You’re being rude! Don’t say anything!” It doesn’t come from a place of arrogance. It’s more like my inner voice knows there’s a fact that’s wrong & it doesn’t shut up until I correct it. It’s a compulsion, people. That’s how they work.
This is a primary reason why I can’t stand lying. I’m a woman of my word. Silly me, I expect others to keep their word as well. And when someone has been lied to, I get this righteous drive for justice to correct all the wrongs. As you can imagine, it’s blown up in my face a lot.
Anyway, with me, I can’t stop until all of the facts are 100% correct. 99.9% won’t cut it. My mind won’t stop. It’ll be years down the road & I’ll still obsess. To combat it, I try to internally say the truth. Usually, though, I end up talking to myself aloud in my car or something when I’m alone. I’m finding that quietly saying it isn’t as strong for me as hearing my voice aloud.
Sigh. This really sucks.
SOMETHING ELSE…
There was something else but to be honest, my mind is really struggling & in a fog right now. I’m trying to not cry & to relax. My vision is starting to crap out which means this is really stressing me out. I’m gonna put a pin in this for now. I’m sure I’ll talk about this again later. A little OCD humor for you… 😉
This is the side of OCD that TV doesn’t show. There’s this stigma that we just like things clean or get annoyed when something isn’t perfectly straight. There’s more to it – to us – than that.
I cried when I watched this again. When Dr. Casey screams at himself because he can’t stop? Yeah. I felt that in my soul. 💔
So all day yesterday, I kept feeling like I was missing the mark. What is it about me that says, “Nah, fam?” As you know, in one of my relationships, I’ve tried REPEATEDLY to work on our differences but there’s been no active change. I can’t keep throwing this in the closet, shutting the door quickly, & hoping nothing falls out. My mind doesn’t work like that. “Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t exist for me. It will prey on my mind until it’s dealt with.
Yes, it sucks.
Last night, I’m in bed & I decided to watch a little Bob Ross (he’s the shit) to help me wind down. I was living in my mind & I needed that cool cat to help me put things into perspective. He made a comment about “being in the moment & making it beautiful” & I immediately realized I wasn’t doing that. I was replaying everything that had happened or hadn’t happened over & over in my mind. I wasn’t in that new, fresh moment; I was stuck in one particular moment. I was stagnant & stuck in a loop. Bob had moved on & was off painting some realistic trees & talking about his “little creatures.” I sat there in a daze with my mouth hung open.
Then it hit me: I had two choices – I could keep spinning my wheels for God knows how long or I could choose to be happy & to move forward. This person wasn’t torturing themselves so why was I? Robert Frost once said, “The best way out is through” & he couldn’t be more right. The only way I was gonna get through this is to push myself through it one way or another.
And in that split second, I was ready. Phones work both ways, right? They could contact me when they are ready. *If they never are, I will be okay. And if it takes a week, then it takes a week. I’m not going to put my life on hold & wallow in self-pity. I’m awesome, dammit. 😉
So I’m pouring myself into different projects. I set myself up with a few little happy goals for this weekend & I’m actually excited about them. 🙂
I can do this. You can do. Baby steps towards happiness. That’s all I’m doing.
*Just to be clear, I’m not mad at this person. Not at all. They’re clearly not ready to talk things through so I’m just gonna hang back until they are. That’s all. 🙂 I’ll still be here.
My chest was starting to hurt early this morning so I took a Klonopin. I was already drinking a Bang so I’m not sure if either one worked as well as I wanted.
I’ve been clenching my jaw as well so that hurts, too.
I hate this.
I’m stressed over one of my relationships. I don’t know how to make my feelings more clear. I’ve said repeatedly how I feel & what I need to feel better. Nothing has happened. I feel blown off, unimportant. “Soon,” “we’ll see,” “not now,” “later.” That’s all I’m hearing. Nothing that says, “Let me put the world on hold & just focus on you for a few minutes.”
I don’t know what to do & I’m on the edge of giving up. I don’t feel like I’m asking for a lot. I just want to take like 15-20 minutes to talk through some things, work them out, & come up with a plan. Am I not worth that? Am I not worth carving out some time? I’ve offered to meet somewhere, pay for lunch, drive, whatever. And it keeps getting pushed off. And if I’m being honest, I’m starting to feel a little used. 😦
I’m really fucking hurt here. I ran some errands & cried the whole way home. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why that is such a huge request. Is it so terrible that I want things to be good between us? There’s still this distance there & anytime I bring it up, I get told, “I don’t want to talk about this now.” What am I doing wrong?
Maybe they’re just in a funk. Maybe it has nothing to do with me. Maybe they’re just stressed too &, lucky me, I’m taking the brunt of it.
I honestly don’t know what to say or do.
Do I take this as a sign & walk away? Would they chase after me? Would they miss me at all? Would they make an effort?
Today’s post won’t be very long but that’s okay. This is just a fun, little tidbit. A happy milestone. 🙂
So remember how I said I wanted to exercise every day? I was completely worn out yesterday so it didn’t happen (it’s been a crazy week with Job #1). I could’ve gotten into my head about it. Actually, for the first few seconds, I was.
But then, I heard Dr. G’s calming, reassuring voice, “We’re human. It’s okay.” It’s okay to take time to rest instead of pushing myself when my body is already exhausted. It’s okay to give yourself permission to say “no” (or “yes”). It’s okay to feel like I need to start over every day. IT’S OKAY. And I went to the gym today so I’m already on the right track!
In words of Poppy, “I will get back up again!” ❤
And because it’s Wednesday & this makes me wanna stand up & scream, “YASSSS!”
I’m really happy at my Temple. I look forward to going all week & I have beautiful Hebrew songs in my head. It’s just lovely. 😍 I even got to shake the lulav & etrog on Saturday for Sukkot! I want to learn more & really immerse myself but I’m not sure how without overwhelming myself & getting freaked out. “All or nothing,” y’know?
GOAL: To email my rabbis & get their insight. Maybe they have a good suggestion of something I’m not thinking of…
MENTAL: 4
1) I’m feeling much better with this one. Outside of the panic attack the other day, I’m doing pretty good. I’m still finding myself struggling in a few areas (namely with concentration) but I have an appointment with Dr. H next week about that. We’ll see if it improves any from now until then. 2) I only read 1 of the 2 books I wanted to read last month. So I wanna get back on track. 3) I’m tired of being tired. I need a set bedtime. 😴
GOAL: 1) To talk to Dr. H about any adjustments I need to make. I can tell I’m on the right path. Now we just have to get the dosage right. 2) To read more. I have about 3 books I want to read right now lol. I need to set time up to do so. 3) To get ready & prepare for bed earlier so that I’m in bed by midnight.
PHYSICAL: 3
1) I’m down around 20 lbs (!) & my clothes are fitting better. I say “around” because it fluctuates a bit. I’ve been lifting & I’m ready to add more. 2) I keep hearing about little 30-day health challenges so I’m gonna try one. Wish me luck!
GOAL: 1) To do something active every day – weights, yoga, dance, whatever. Something to get moving. 2) No added sugar. I don’t eat a lot of sugar anyway because it doesn’t sit with me. But I am curious if I stay tight with it if that would help my concentration. Worth a shot, right?
SOCIAL: 4
Things are going well. I do feel like I’ve been so focused on BF that I’ve neglected others. I don’t like that so I’m gonna fix it.
GOAL: To schedule time with those who are near & dear to me. I don’t want to be too busy so I might have to break this up over a few months. Nothing against them. I enjoy my alone time. 🙂
CAREER: 7
I’ve been hesitant to finish the necessary paperwork for Job #3. I feel unqualified which is ridiculous because I wouldn’t have the job if that was true.
GOAL: To finish all paperwork & move forward. I can do this.
FINANCIAL: 5
So I’ve been resetting my budget & working on using what I have in my home first. That’s all well & good but I need to work on these debts.
GOAL: To pay off Amazon & throw $200 at TJ Maxx. Blecch. Go away.
FAMILY: 7
Things are off to a good start. These last 2 or so weeks have been headed to the right direction. Now, it’s time to perfect it.
GOAL: To spend 20 minutes a day taking care of the house before I go to bed.
It felt like one giant shitshow & it kept building. By the end of the day, I was done.
I had a panic attack & it was a “big ‘un.” I felt completely overwhelmed & I couldn’t stop it. I had pushed it off as long as I could. By 1400, it took over. Afterward, I felt weak & empty. Only to be hit with more chaos during the day.
Like I said, it was rough.
I ended the day with a nice, relaxing bath. Shortly after that, I went to bed. I had nothing left to give. I was mentally & physically exhausted.
I woke up this morning concerned with how I was going to mentally be today. Usually, after a really low day, I have a mediocre day. It’s kind of a transition. But, surprisingly, I’m doing pretty good.
I talked to the bestie I was having issues with (going forward – BF) & things are doing much, much better. We talked a lot throughout the day & calmly discussed some things like the responsible adults we are. 😉 I feel like we turned a corner. I’m really happy & hopeful for us.
Some of the fires from yesterday were put out late last night or today so I’m not as burned as I was. I’ll probably spend tonight finishing up so that tomorrow will be encouraging & positive. At least, that’s the goal.
Even with everything, I feel hopeful. It feels like the sun is starting to rise again & I’m starting to believe that it’s gonna be okay. ❤️
There’s a very personal part of me that I want to share with you. Please know that it’s not easy for me to open up certain doors. Who knows what Pandora’s box will contain, right? 😉
This is something I’ve been wrestling with telling you since Day 1. But I’m finally ready now.
I’m bisexual.
While that’s sinking in, lemme take a few moments and answer the most common questions I received or heard from other LGBTQ friends.
“Wow! How long have you known?”
Since puberty. But being raised Christian, I used to believe those feelings were wrong. I would try to hide them. I tried to pray them away as well. I thought I was possessed because I wasn’t just attracted to boys (heteronormativity is a bitch). There’s a lot of damage in my past. It was rough and probably what added on to my depression at such a young age. It’s only been the last 5-10 years that I’ve been making my peace with who I really am.
“Does your SO know?”
What do you think? 😉 I’m not gonna have an intimate relationship (sexual or emotional) with someone and not tell them. BTW, he already knew. 😊
“So what does this mean?”
For you? Nothing. For me? Everything. It means I don’t have to hide certain parts of me around you. I have nothing to be ashamed of. This is me.
“Is there someone you’re interested in?”/”Are you gonna have a threesome?”
Not at the moment. But let me stop you right there. Instead of being worried about my sex life, maybe you should figure out why that’s so important to you. LGBTQ are fed up with others sexualizing everything we do. We’re just like you. Our sexual orientation is between us and our partner. That’s it. You wouldn’t like someone asking you if you fucked someone else, right? It’s none of their goddamn business. Same, fam.
“Are you more lipstick or butch?”
Definitely lipstick. 😉 I have a type but we’ll go into that later.
“Does your family know?”
Outside of my SO, no. I’m not there yet. They’re all a bunch of judgmental, toxic Christians. I’m not dealing with that. We’ll see if I ever do.
“Who all knows?”
You, now. 😜 And my besties, obviously. They were wonderful and supportive. ❤️
“Does anything change?”
Nope. My life continues to move forward. It’s just now I can be more vocal 😊
I recently watched an episode of Brooklyn 99 (“Game Night,” season 5, episode 10). Rosa comes out as bi to her parents and they’re unable to deal with it. I totally cried. One, I look like Rosa. Two, I’m bi. Three, this is exactly what everyone who comes out is afraid of – rejection or treated differently. I’m not a leper. Just gay. 🏳️🌈
And we’re taking a big risk sharing this part of ourselves with you. Thank you for continuing to love us & for giving us hope in this dark world. ❤️
But I do have some time now, so let me get you caught up with what’s in my mind.
