Living in the present

Dr. G gave me some challenging homework. She told me to live in the present. Go with the flow & just see what happens.

Um what?! No planning?! WHY WOULD I DO THAT?!

My dubious look must have given me away because she immediately said, “Don’t worry about the past. Don’t worry about the future. Just live in the moment. And if something happens that’s not quite how you expected, say, ‘This is interesting’ & see what happens next.”

Uh huh… Well… This is interesting. πŸ˜›

It’s very hard for me. My natural inclination is to prepare for every hypothetical situation. But as Dr. G is showing me, all that’s doing is revving up my anxiety. And then I get upset when things don’t happen how I think & then there’s the depression. So I try to control everything so it doesn’t happen again (OCD) but it, of course, does & I’m disappointed. Thus, the cycle continues.

Ugh. No wonder I’m exhausted.

But I am trying to do what she told me. It’s work but I’m getting there.

Case in point:

I finally got my car back today! YAY!!! I’ve been in a rental for 6 weeks & I’ve been over it since Day 1. After being pushed off a few weeks, I was supposed to get it “back on Monday, Wednesday at the latest” this week. But then there was some issue so “Thursday for sure.” Which turned into “Friday afternoon.” Naturally, I’m not a fan. I don’t like being jerked around especially when I’m dropping a lot of money to get it fixed.

But then I thought about Dr. G’s challenge. Instead of being upset that it’s 3 weeks past the original due date (past)Β  & wondering when it’s actually gonna be done (future), I did my best to go with the flow & live in the present. It wasn’t easy but I did what I could to help cope with it. And hey, I did learn something from it so I guess that’s good.

See? I’m working on it! πŸ˜€

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Heading towards success

I met with Dr. G today. God, I love her. She’s so cool & she just gets it. Best of all? She’s nonjudgmental. I know that’s her job but seriously? It really, really helps.

I told her about my weekendΒ & she was really proud of me for recognizing my behavior. We talked about the fight with my *BFF & why I was sabotaging myself. She said something that really stuck with me:

“SC, sometimes when we’re raised in a chaotic environment, we don’t trust anything healthy because that’s not our norm. So when things are going well, we’re suspicious & tend to pull ourselves back to that unhealthy, sabotaging area. It’s human behavior & it happens. The first step to recovery is being aware of it.”

Holy shit. I knew I had a pattern but to hear why I keep doing it is eye-opening.

Growing up, our house was full of chaos. I don’t think a day went by without someone fighting with someone else. My parents are hoarders as well so there was plenty of physical clutter as well as mental clutter. No wonder when things are going well, I don’t trust it. It’s like I’m waiting for something to explode because that’s what I know – chaos & drama. So when nothing is happening according to my internal upbringing, I make it happen. I do things like getting super drunk & saying things I don’t actually believe because, for this sick reason, the drama is comforting to me. It’s what I know.

It reminds me of this scene in “I, Tonya” when Tonya Harding says something like, “I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to be physically abused. That’s how I was raised & that’s how my relationships were. I just thought it was normal.” While I wasn’t physically abused, I was emotionally & gaslighted up the wazoo. Everything was always my fault & anytime I proved them wrong, I was made to believe it was “all in my head.”

As Dr. G says, “Abuse is abuse. There is no hierarchy.”

It’s interesting to me to see how I’ve taken what I’ve known as “normal” in my childhood & applied it to my adulthood.

The good news is with all of this is that both Dr. G & Dr. H have said they’re very proud of me & are happy to say that I have a “positive & upward trajectory.” It doesn’t always feel like it but they’re the professionals. They told me that I’m making really, really good progress.

I guess this is my path towards success. I have tons of fuck-ups but my overall trajectory is upward. Even with sabotaging setbacks, I’m still making ground.

I can tell the meds are making a huge difference. I used to feel like there were overlapping voices (my own voice) screaming nonstop in my head. I couldn’t hear anything else. There was no peace. I pictured myself in a fetal position in a dark room while surrounded & overpowered by these demons.

But now, it’s different. I’m still in the room but it’s not as dark. I have a few candles lit. And instead of overwhelming & screaming voices, it’s like there’s only a few floating around but I can control them. More like balloons versus demons.

I see Dr. H again in 3 weeks when we’ll discuss the next step. She wants me to be in “full remission” so we might need to up my meds again or try something to help me stay focused & raise my dopamine levels. So yeah, we’ll see.

The past few days have been very good for me. I’ve gone to the gym (twice!) & gotten everything on my To Do list done. I’m not stressed in the evening & I’m staying on top of things without feeling like I’m gonna snap. I’m even setting up a bedtime routine so I’ll be sleeping well soon enough.

I’m really starting to feel like I have a grasp on my life.Β My God, is this how other people feel? Those lucky bastards who don’t have to deal with mental illness? Do they have this kind of drive all the time? Bastards! πŸ˜‰

Stay tuned. I’m moving up. ❀

* BTW – I believe in multiple BFFs. I think we’ve talked about this before. So if one of my besties in reading this & thinks, “Wtf!”, no worries. πŸ™‚ I believe in very close relationships with very few people. Quality over quantity.

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Tightrope

I’m trying really hard to not get in my head. So I figured the best way to do that was to get it all out here before it has time to ruminate.Β 

I’ll be honest – I kinda feel like I’m in the way.

I’m not sure how to really describe it. Like I’m literally an obstacle between someone & their journey.

…As if I would hold anyone back…

Interestingly enough, I’m not really upset over it. I’m more like…accepting? I don’t know. It feels like this is my fate & it is what it is. I know I’m not gonna be everyone’s cuppa but I guess I’m making my peace with it. I really don’t have the energy or desire to fight for attention. I need to focus on my own shit.

This is all I have to offer – me. That’s it.

I’m not one of the high-flying acrobats. I’m not the daring lion tamer. I’m not the energetic ringmaster or the funny clowns.

No, I’m the one who’s quietly on the tightrope. I’m just trying to get from Point A to Point B & to not fall. That’s all.Β I’m continuing to take small steps forward, even if that means I have to move around others. I’ll get there eventually. I have to be careful because no one is catching me if I fall.

It’s just me up here, trying to balance life. That’s all.

I love this. It speaks to me.

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Stopping the cycle

“And the award for Most Likely to Fuck Everything Up goes to…

*opens envelope* SC!”

OMG thank you! Wow! This is so expected! I want to thank my inner dialogue for unleashing hell & becoming my outer dialogue. Um, wow, so many to thank. Thanks to my stupid mouth for spewing shit I don’t actually believe to my BFF. Thanks to my self-sabotaging behavior for refusing to allow me to be genuinely happy. Thanks to my fucking heart that only causes me pain & regret. Oh, and thank you, Jameson, for being a little bitch. I couldn’t have done it without you, boo! *music plays* Okay, that’s my cue but most of all, THANK YOU crippling depression & anxiety. We made it!

Ugh.

So yeah. I’ve had a rough weekend. I’m not sure if I’m ready to get into the details but let’s just put it this way. I got stupid drunk & talked to my BFF. Yes, the same one that I’m trying to make amends with. Although now, who the fuck knows what’s gonna happen. I let my anger, frustration, jealousy, & competitiveness blind me.

Quick disclaimer: I’m gonna be raw & honest. If you’re gonna judge me, then fuck off. I have no time or patience for that shit. Those who get it know what it’s like. They know the struggle between doing what you SHOULD do & then what you ACTUALLY do.

A little snapshot of my weekend so far:

  • On Friday, I drank until I couldn’t see. Then I drove home. I honestly don’t know how I got home. That was stupid.
  • I also took some pills so I could get high & not think about all of this *gestures to head*. I wasn’t really feeling it so I drank a lot more than I should’ve. Again, stupid.
  • I completely unloaded & caused BFF to drop to negative numbers. Way to fucking go, SC. Now things are really damaged & I don’t know what to do. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
  • I spent most of yesterday in a haze. Not so much like a hangover but more like self-evaluation. How did I get to this point?
  • I didn’t go to Temple. I was too ashamed of myself. Which, for those who are religious know that’s counterproductive, but that’s where my head was.
  • There was also a change in my behavior that was a little unexpected. Too personal to mention here but I did rectify & backpedal quickly before I made any long-term decisions. It was eye-opening as well.

Why am I so afraid of being happy? Why don’t I think I deserve it? Why do I sabotage my relationships? Why do I push people away?

My only theory is that I try to fuck myself over before Life can fuck me over. I didn’t say it was healthy but that’s how I feel. When things are going well, I don’t trust it. I think it stems from my insecurities. Also, if I push people away, they can’t leave me, right?

So all of this has been floating in my mind for about the last 32 or so hours. I don’t know how I could make things even worse. So yay?

I have to change things. I can’t keep this cycle going. Over & over & over of compounding self-loathing. It has to stop. I’m the only one who can change things. That is both awesome & scary. The issue is that deep down I don’t believe that I’m worthy of change. I can’t quite describe it. It’s like I’m not destined to be the tigress I want to be. I know it sounds crazy. It’s just this deep, gut feeling.Β I’ll bring it all up in therapy this week & I’m sure Dr. G won’t be surprised. πŸ˜‰

Until then, I need a plan. An updated plan. I work best when I have things listed out & I can follow the order. It somehow calms my mind. I don’t know if it’s because I’m Type A or OCD or just the fact it’s out of my head.

Here’s my basic plan for September:

– A snapshot –

SPIRITUAL:Β  4Β β†’ 5
MENTAL: 2Β β†’ 4
PHYSICAL: 1Β β†’ 3
SOCIAL: 1Β β†’ 4
CAREER: 6Β β†’ 7
FINANCIAL: 3Β β†’ 5
FAMILY: 6Β β†’ 7

– The details –

SPIRITUAL: 4

  • I can tell I’m much happier going to Temple. I still don’t quite feel like I “fit in” but I know that’ll come with time. I’m actually interested in doing some Torah study now so that’s an improvement.
  • GOAL: To continue going to Temple. Maybe participate in the Giving Tree they have in the lobby? Or Yom Kippur? Or Sukkot?

MENTAL: 2

  • Okay, so obviously if you’ve been following for the last few months, this has taken a major hit. I’ve gone from feeling really suicidal to more stable. I am trying to work on it. This is just a rough period in my life. Also, I need to take a break from alcohol as I’m not being smart with it.
  • GOAL: To continue taking my meds & seeing my therapist; stop drinking since I’m not in a healthy place right now; finish these 2 books that I’m really into but I put them aside. Therapy is a lot of work but I think it’s helping me out a lot. Those who know me best have said they can see the changes so that’s good. And I think I’m pretty much stabilized on my meds so that’s good as well.

PHYSICAL: 1

  • I hate this. Completely & wholly. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. I’m done fighting against it.
  • GOAL: To start going to the gym. I miss how strong I feel lifting weights. Even if I’m not lifting that much, it helps me. Plus, I listen to some 90s rock or Britney to get me there. πŸ˜‰

SOCIAL: 1

  • You know this area is shit for me right now. What’s done is done. Time to press forward.
  • GOAL: To give my BFF time & space; to not be so offended if/when they say no to get-togethers; to realize the good in the situation – we’re not giving up.

CAREER: 6

  • So I officially have 3 jobs. Job #1 is my day job & that’s fine. Sure, there are things I’d like to change, but I’ve been there for so long (7 years) that I’ve made my peace with a lot of it. Job #2 is going really, really well. I don’t feel super confident in one of my classes but I’ll get there. Job #3 contacted me this past week & I now have a stack of paperwork to fill out to be officially an employee. Boss #3 said she’s super excited to have me on board & can already tell when she wants me to come in & sub. So yeah. I’m nervous I’ll fuck that up. I’m sorry. It’s just how my mind is.
  • GOAL: To spend 30 minutes 3x a week to focus on terminology & choreography so that I feel more comfortable with Job #2 & Job #3.

FINANCIAL: 3

  • So during my mental crash, I just said “fuck it” to my budget. I’m back in some credit card debt (ugh) & I need to pay that bitch off as well as save like a motherfucker.
  • GOAL: To set up & stay on my budget; update my list of debtors & if necessary, share to keep myself on target.

FAMILY: 6

  • I feel like things are okay but they could be better. I’ve been slacking in several areas & the consequences aren’t pretty.
  • GOAL: To make dinner again; set up monthly get-togethers; stay on top of household tasks.

I’m getting off this carousel ride. I’m tired of this shit. I hate how it took me really, really hurting someone I love to see it. But now that I see it, I’m not going back. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to them. I’m not sabotaging myself or others anymore. I’m done.

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Unknown

So I’ve talked to the BFF since we had our huge fight. Before, we would joke that on a happy scale of 1-10, we were at 9.7, because 10’s unrealistic. πŸ˜‰ That night, we both hit zero. They’re at a 6 right now & I’ve been at a 3 but I’m sinking into a 2.

I’ve tried repeatedly to reach out & work through things. I’ve sent messages, emails, & little voice/video clips. I’ve poured my heart out along with my tears. I know how I am. I need to talk it out & hear their side. I want us to come up with a solution & to work towards it. As I described it in my email, I feel like I was caught in an emotional flashbang. I’m completely disoriented. I’m just stunned & I’m unable to move forward. I need them to make the first move. I don’t know what that move is but SOMETHING needs to be done. The longer nothing happens, the more painful it is.

They say we’re gonna be fine & we’ll get through this. I don’t want to be negative but, as of now, I don’t see how. I’m really hurt & so far, there’s been no reconciliation. I’ve asked if we could talk about it & I’ve been told: “not now.” If I’m not important enough to take time out of your day to talk this out, then how are we gonna be okay? And I really do get it. They have a very stressful job & they’re down a few staff members so that adds to it. So if they say they’re busy, they really are. I get that.

But why is there always time for other people & other things but not for me?

Sigh.

I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’ve exhausted all of my options. Now it’s just waiting in the unknown…

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Repeating my past

Disclaimer: I’m going through some serious, deep shit. I’m not suicidal & I don’t wanna cut. Just exhausted.

I don’t know where to start. I’m not sure what happened. Everything just quickly exploded and I’m left damaged but standing in a fog of debris. It’s a fucking war zone right now.

One of my BFFs and I had a huge fight last night. And by huge, I mean I’ve never had a fight like that. Things were said that cut me very deep, straight to my core.

Once again, I’m in the way between someone and their SO. If things don’t improve, this will be the 3rd friend this year, 6th overall who chose their SO over our friendship. And this one hurts way more than any of the other ones.

I don’t get it. How am I a threat? It doesn’t seem to matter the good I’m trying to do. I’ve friended the SO and made light convo with them. I’ve sent funny gifs, pics, videos. I’ve been as supportive as I can be. BFF knows this and has seen all of this so no one is in the dark.

We did apologize to each other last night but I still ended up crying and having a panic attack. I tried taking a Xanax earlier and nothing happened. I took a Klonopin to help me stay calm enough to sleep. I had to take one immediately this morning because I thought I was gonna have another attack. So far, I haven’t.

And even though the formalities have been said, I’m still incredibly hurt. I honestly don’t know where this leaves us. I’m gonna need more than an “I’m sorry” to make things right. I don’t know what but they’re gonna have to make a real effort.

I don’t know how to move on. I’m still just standing here stunned at it all. I was immediately taken back to my childhood when I was being verbally and emotionally degraded damn near daily and not being able to defend myself. I was told that “this is all on me.” I felt like that scared little girl all over again. Especially when they said some of the exact same phrases my parents used to say to me. Like I said, it cut deep.

I don’t know where to go or what to do. I’m still in shock. I guess the silver lining is that I know what I do in these situations. I take a giant leap back and curl up in my own ball. I’ll stop initiating convo and physically distance myself from them. I throw up my walls and use what little protection I have left to keep myself safe. Either it blows over and we move forward or this is the end. Totally up to them.

Regardless of what happens, I’m tired of fighting to prove my worth. I’m tired of losing friends due to hyper jealousy and overprotective behaviors. I’m tired of always being left standing alone. I’m tired of broken promises when I’ve kept mine. I’m tired of caring so much and being told it’s bullshit.

I’m just tired.

Misprint coins

I recently learned a little about coins that are printed wrong. Sometimes the die (press?) makes an error in creating the coin. When that happens, these coins (like this penny) go from being valued at $.01 to up to $16,000+ (source). It’s their error that makes them so rare & so valuable.

I’m a lot like that misprint coin.

I’ve done my best I could but life has cast the die. I have a lot of errors & mistakes; some from nature & others from nurture. There are things that set me apart from the rest of the crowd. I’ve always been different. I am a rare & unique woman. And because of that, I’m extremely valuable.

You see, it doesn’t matter what life has done to me. It’s only increased my value. So yeah, I’m not the shiny, new penny. If that’s what you’re looking for, look somewhere else. I never will be that. But that’s okay because I don’t want to be. I have been through some serious shit & survived. Even if I stand alone, at least I’m standing strong.

I’m done trying to prove my worth to those who aren’t interested. Those who know me know I’m worth my weight in gold.
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Find the evidence

I met with Dr. G earlier today. Not 2-3 hours later, I’m having to already apply what she wants me to work on. Whoever said therapy was easy is a fucking liar. 😏

We talked about my insecurities in relationships. How I’m scared I’m gonna be left all alone. How I’ll apologize even if I’m not in the wrong but just to make the other party happy. How all of this stems from my very lonely childhood.

Wow. That’s not fun to admit. πŸ˜” I feel very vulnerable right now…

She told me I need to work on combating the negative thoughts before they take over and become suicidal thoughts. Easier said than done. I gave myself a headache trying to do just that. It’s hard to go against the current.

She also told me to, “find the evidence.” Is this person usually flaky or reliable? Maybe something did come up. Does this person love me and show me that they do? Maybe they’re just stressed about something else right now. Is there evidence to support my irrational claim? More than likely, there’s not.

A while ago, I was trying to be cute with my SO & I said something flirty. He was silent. Like I made him uncomfortable. So that was fun. Not my intention at all.

Immediately my mind is like, “Great job fucking up. Why do you always do that? Why can’t you just be quiet? He doesn’t want you.” And so on and so on. I’m trying to dismiss those thoughts and find the evidence. Does he love me? Yes. Does he care about me? Yes. Is he stressed at work so his mind is probably elsewhere? Yes. So is it more than likely that he’s just not in the mood for my hilarious yet crass humor? Yes.

I’m sure just reading it sounds very logical & sound. The difficulty is convincing myself that it’s true. Because after years & years of feeling incompetent, it’s hard to retrain yourself. It’s hard to believe that you’re worth it.

I still ended up apologizing to him. I know I’m a work in progress. I know I have to take things one day at a time. I know I need to be patient especially with myself.

Ugh. This is so stressful & difficult. It would be easier to quit. But I’m gonna keep going. Dr. G says I’m making progress so we’ll see…

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Ghost

Disclaimer: I’m hurt & I’m pissed & I need to get this out so I don’t stew in it.

I feel like a fucking ghost. Can anyone see me?

I had plans tonight with someone. They were tired & asked if we could reschedule. That was fine with me. Go home & rest, right? Only to find out that they’re spending time with their SO instead.

Wow. Do I mean so little?

It would be one thing if they already had plans & so that’s why they wanted to reschedule. I mean, it would suck but I would quickly get over it. But that’s not the case tonight. As far as I know, the only plans were with me. And if something came up, why can’t they just tell me?

This isn’t the first time this has happened either.

Once again, I feel like I’m constantly playing second fiddle. Why am I not good enough to be someone’s first choice? What is it about me that says, “She won’t mind. I can blow her off”? Is it because I’m quick to forgive? Is that my Achilles? Would it be better if my heart was cold?

I’m completely hurt. I’m not crying but my *chest is tight & I’m shaking. I hate being ignored. Especially for someone else. I don’t give a fuck if it’s a SO or not. I’m still a person with feelings & emotions. Does that not matter? In their words, “I’ve done so much for them.” Doesn’t that warrant me some face time? I was thinking like an hour tops to grab a drink or two, not all night. They could’ve spent time with me & their SO. No problem at all. Sigh. I don’t get it.

I’m already paranoid & in my head. This doesn’t help. This just makes me believe that I’m not important. I’m TRYING so hard to be understanding but all evidence is pointing elsewhere. Am I just an idiot? Or am I invisible? Does my heart not matter?Β I don’t know what to do. Do I hold on or disappear?

Stupid fucking heart. Ugh. I’m done with it. It’s only brought me pain.

* I took a Klonopin. Just waiting for it to kick in.

Here. Take it. I clearly can’t win. I try to do what’s right & honorable & it’s not working.Β 

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Childhood dreams

I’m feeling a little better today. I had a few unsettling dreams but nothing I couldn’t handle (I’m usually a lucid dreamer).

I’ve been dreaming a lot lately of being in my childhood home & fighting with my parents. It’s weird because I’m my 35-year-old self but in my 15-year-old self’s room. I see a stack of CDs I used to listen to. They’re organized next to my CD player that’s on top of my dresser. I have trophies, tchotchkes, & pictures of me with my friends all proudlyΒ  & neatly displayed on my desk. My closet is full of old dance costumes & a few favorite outfits. I even checked to see if I still had the dry erase board on the back of my bedroom door. I did. πŸ™‚

But my nostalgia doesn’t last too long. After a few minutes, my parents show up & are pissed at me about something. I instantly fume because I know I’ve done nothing wrong & I’m sick of the injustice, prejudice, & the abuse. Just like in real life, if something happened, I was immediately to blame. It got real old real fast.

But then my mind reminds me that I’m not stuck in that house & I can leave. The dream usually ends with me trying to pack &/or escape while my parents are losing their shit. Every time, I’m trying to leave without them noticing so that I don’t have to deal with that bullshit or the drama.

I’m not sure why I’ve been dreaming this again. It’s almost as if living through it once wasn’t enough. 😏 I guess I still have some issues to work through. Or maybe it’s a reflection for how I feel now? I don’t know. Sometimes, I wake up with chest pains. Other times, I wake up & it’s like nothing happened. Today is the latter. πŸ™‚

I found this post & it hit me hard. Somebody else gets it.Β 

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