Spoonfed

I’m sorry I’ve been quiet for the last week. It’s been a crazy busy time. I’m still here & I’m still adjusting to new meds. I feel like I’m getting a little better every day which is good. Definitely not 100% but I’m on the right path. πŸ™‚

I was thinking about my annoyances with certain people. I told you how I’m just moving on & I’m not bothering with those who are AWOL. With most of them, if I stop communication (& I have), then that’s it. I doubt they’ve even noticed. I’m becoming less stressed since I’m not dealing with them anymore. My full attention is on my true friends, the ones who have proved that they really do love me & care for me. Quality over quantity, right?

But with a few others, the knife cuts a little deeper. It’s almost as if their ignorance would be less painful. After all, ignorance is bliss. No, with these chosen few, there’s this certain air about them. They know what’s going on but they don’t genuinely care. Or if they do, they want me to spoonfeed them information or updates, which isn’t going to happen. It’s not my job to be their relationship tutor.

And I think that’s what’s really been hitting me lately. It’s exhausting having to constantly give others bite-sized tidbits of my life. Nothing of real substance. Tiny morsels to satisfy their appetite & curiosity while giving me nothing in return. No love, no support, nothing to reciprocate. I usually just get, “That sucks” or “I’m sorry” before they talk about themselves. Or, ugh, even worse? Do that annoying sucking air through their teeth while their face is scrunched up. God, I fucking hate that. Is there anything more superficial than that?

It is interesting how I’ve noticed this shift. By backing away, the ones who are fake have disappeared & faded into the background. Now, I’m dealing with the emotional leeches. Those who have tried to suck me dry of my support & resources. I’m sure it’s a process to break free of their grip but I will soon enough. It’s not healthy & I’m over it.

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My Stupid Mouth

“My Stupid Mouth” by John Mayer

Trigger warning yet again: I’m really not doing well & I need to work through some shit. You know me. I have to get it out so I can start to think clearly. Or at least try to.

I want to cut. So bad. The desire is so strong. And it’s all I can think about. “Just grab the knife & go. You’ll feel better.” Maybe a rope would be better? I do still have that belt. God, I don’t know.

“SC, I thought you were doing good. What happened?”

*I* happened.

SD & I were hanging out yesterday. We kinda got into a “fight” (I don’t know what else to call it). We talked some stuff out & parted on good terms. Even made plans for later this week.

“Okay…”

And then I got in my head. Some of the things he said stung. He’s just being honest so I can’t fault him for it. I asked some questions & got some blunt answers. But it really made me see where I stand. It’s…painful.

Quick background on me: I grew up with emotionally & verbally abusive parents. Nothing was ever good enough & they were always upset or disappointed in me. Because of this upbringing, my opinions on relationships get very skewed. I don’t believe anyone when they say we’re “good” because I’ve been trained to believe that’s horseshit. And when things are “bad,” it’s my fault. Words cut me really deep & will fester in my mind. For me, it’s a lose-lose situation. So if I’m in an intimate relationship with someone, I’ll need constant reassurance that I’m loved & we’re okay. I’ve been recently told that I’m codependent so that’s been fun. Back to me feeling like I can’t do anything right. :/

Again, I’m working through all of this in therapy.

Back to my story –

I wrote him an email. Trying to be more positive & to focus on the good. And then about 2 hours later when I was swimming in my head, I wrote another one. This time, I was just laying everything out there. I used to have a friend who described it as “getting the gravel out.” Like with a road rash, you have to wash out all the tiny pieces of rock out of the wound in order for it to heal properly. So that’s what I was doing. Every little bit of painful rock was coming out.

I swore to him that this is the last time I’m bringing this shit up. I laid all my cards out on the table. This is me. This is all I have to offer. It’s not a great hand but it’s my hand.

“Did he reply?”

No. But I told him he didn’t have to & I meant it. My intention wasn’t to open up a dialogue. I wanted to be upfront with how I felt about various issues. He can do whatever he wants with the information.

“So how did you leave things?”

Well, we spoke very briefly this morning. I’m leaving everything in his hands. For now, I’ll give him space & let him figure things out. I know I’m stressing him out. It’s like I got the Death Touch – everything I touch dies. Friendships, relationships, plants. πŸ˜‰

I really am trying my best. And once again, I’m just failing. I don’t have any other cards to play. I’ve done everything I could do. 😦 It’s like every time I try to open my mouth, I’m just making everything worse. Maybe it’s better if I don’t even try. Just keep my mouth sealed, smile & nod, & be content with a silver medal.

I gotta get moving or I’m gonna cut myself. I’ve fantasized about stabbing the knife in my temple just to shut up my mind. That can’t be good, right?

This is me, officially taking a step back. Let’s see what happens… 😦

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Beautiful chaos

“Convergence” by Jackson Pollack. It speaks to me & I haven’t stopped thinking about since I saw it a few weeks ago. I’m not sure why but I guess that’s art for you.

Sigh. I don’t know where to start. Fitting for today’s post, isn’t it?

I can tell Zoloft is kicking in & I’m starting to feel more “in control.” My mind isn’t as rampant with anxiety or if I’m being really honest, OCD tendencies. Some of the dyslexia effects have calmed down. I feel overall more mentally relaxed. I’m not 100% by any means but I can tell I’m at least on the right path.

I can’t really describe it. Sometimes, instead of my mind being flooded with various thoughts, they’re either not there or there’s only a few of them. The fact that the few that remain aren’t the healthiest is why I’m in therapy. Even when my mind is “clear,” it’s not for my wellbeing. I still have suicidal thoughts but they aren’t as loud as they were. Again, I’m on the right path. I know this. I’m on the Recovery Path & headed into Healthy Town.

Sigh. But I have no patience for myself. I want to be better NOW.

It’s beyond stressful to feel my own limitations. I find myself getting antsy & doing pointless tasks. Take today – I found myself being very fidgety & unable to sit still. So I grabbed a gel pen & started to write down some numbers. Why numbers? I don’t know. I felt like I had to. I wrote out to 100 (10 lines of 10). Why 100? Because I felt like I had to get to 100 & then I could stop. Then I would be “allowed” to stop.

I know. It sounds crazy but that’s what’s happening.

It’s shit like this that’s coming to the surface. It’s making me very uneasy because these are demons I haven’t faced or my mind has blocked them out. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to fight this wave of an army on top of everything else I’m fighting. Like I said, it’s definitely taken me by surprise.

My mind feels like that Jackson Pollack painting. It’s all of the good & the bad, mixed up together. It’s chaotic yet beautiful. And like that painting, I find myself being pulled into my mind & seeing its uniqueness.

There are a few things I’m in my head about. New job/Job #2. SD. Paperwork I’m behind on. Job #1. MY CAR. If I even have Job #3 because I haven’t heard anything in about 6-8 weeks. How I can’t seem to hold a thought for longer than 20 seconds (think “Memento”). SB even though I shouldn’t be but there it is. How I’m scared that I’m “damaged goods.” How my heart gets in the way every time. Am I wasting my time? Do they even care? Or notice?

And so on & so on…

In the midst of all of THAT, there is this eerie calmness. I know it’s the medication & I’m thankful for it. It’s like this feeling that I’m somehow gonna make it to the other side. It’s not a shiny beacon of hope. It’s more like, “I might be half-dead but I’m pretty sure I’ll make it.” πŸ˜‰

I don’t know how or when & that is very uneasy for me. I really, really don’t like it. Makes my anxiety just skyrocket. It’s almost as if I had an end date, I would chill the fuck out. “Oh, okay. August 25th. I can do that.” But I don’t. So I’m just trying to take it one day at a time. And I feel like I fail on most days.

Ugh. I don’t know what’s worse – the nonstop chatter in my head or the silence.

Accurate as fuuuuuuuuck

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No fight left

Trigger warning: Sigh…you know the drill…

I can’t do this anymore.

I’m beyond my wit’s end. There is only darkness.

I don’t feel like I deserve happiness. Everything’s been stripped away from me. I’m left standing here naked, vulnerable, & exposed.

I feel completely isolated & alone. It’s just me & my thoughts.

I wanna scream at the Universe to just finish me off already. This agonizing pain doesn’t ever stop. We’re working on 6 weeks of this. It’s a wonder how I’m not dead yet.

I don’t want to continue on. I’m TIRED of fighting. I’m TIRED of trying to be positive. I’m TIRED of hitting wall after wall. I’m TIRED of being forgotten. I don’t have any fight left in me. As I told my therapist, “I think I’m too chicken shit to pull the trigger but I wouldn’t necessarily stop anything from happening.”

Being really honest? I had this thought with my car accident yesterday, “God, it’s too bad it wasn’t more intense. Then maybe I wouldn’t be here.”

During my session with Dr. H yesterday (before the accident), she asked how I was doing. I told her the first week had been Hell but I felt like I was starting to come around (ha!). She was very serious & said, “I know. And I’m sorry to put you through that. My options were either aggressive medication or hospitalization.”

Well fuck. Maybe I am more fucked than I realized?

And maybe that’s why I’m so alone. I’m not high maintenance but maybe my friends don’t like maintaining me. It’s a lot of work to constantly check in & reassure me that I’m loved & it’s gonna be okay. I wouldn’t blame them if they were just done. It’s exhausting for them, right?

I’m taking little steps back every day. So far, no one has chased after me. Maybe that’s a sign to keep walking away. I’m not needed anymore. They’ve all moved on without me. I was just a temporary fix, an easy solution until they reached what they really wanted. A better friend, a new lover, a funnier coworker. Whatever it is, they’ve forgotten about me.

I can’t fight anymore. Don’t be angry with me, please.Β 5b9210492c23bcc46e9ca49bf1850b8c

 

Crash

I got into a car accident today. First one in 16 years. I’m physically okay and my car is going to the body shop. Everything is gonna be fine, right?

So why doesn’t it feel like it?

I was driving home from seeing Dr. H today when it happened. Fucking timing. Here I am saying how I’m starting to feel a little better and I’m control. And the Universe is like, “Ha! Watch this, Bish!”

Thankfully, I already had a Klonopin in my system. So for HOURS, I felt on the edge of a panic attack but I didn’t have one. I’m not sure if that’s a win or not. It was really rough.

I was shaking, sweating, and unable to focus on anything. The sound of the crash won’t stop playing in my head. My obsessive thoughts have completely taken over. Pandora’s mental box had opened. All this shit I was starting to get in control over? Nope. It’s all scattered again.

The best part? Once again, I’m alone. I called and messaged a few close friends. I told them what happened, how I was scared, & how I didn’t want to be alone. Nobody came. Nobody even asked if I could drive home or if I needed a ride. Once they heard I was “okay,” it was like I wasn’t a concern anymore.

And so I stood there by myself. I did everything I was supposed to do. I carefully drove home, walked inside, & laid on my couch. I felt defeated and just fucking done.

I feel like I took 2 steps forward and got bitch slapped back several steps. My friends are like, “It’s just a car. You’re okay.” But I’m not okay.

My car is my safe zone. I can either crank up the music or bawl my eyes out. It’s the only place where I can truly be me and feel safe.

And now, it’s at the body shop. My security blanket is gone and I’m trying to cope. What do I do now? Where do I go?

I’m just lost. And I feel like all progress I had made is gone. 😞

Cleaning house

I’ve had an internal switch go off. A little *click*. It’s a little hard to describe so I’ll do my best to explain how I feel.

Basically, I’m done.

As an All-or-Nothing person, once I’ve committed to something, I’m there. You don’t have to question it. Whether it’s positive or negative, my word is gold. SD knows this too well, much to his chagrin. LOL! πŸ˜‰

Sunday really hit me how alone I am. I’m tired of reaching out in the darkness & finding nothing. All I get is disappointment & rejection. I’ve been in this darkness for 5 goddamn weeks. And during that time, I’ve had 4 friends consistently reach out to me. That’s it. As my therapist says, “quality over quantity” & I completely agree. I love them & would go to the ends of the Earth for them. My issue is that out of ALL THESE PEOPLE who say they love me & support me & they’re there for me, only 4 have actually followed through. The rest are in the wind.

Once it really hit me, I got pissed. I realized I’m spending my precious time trying to mend or maintain different relationships for no good fucking reason. Why do I bother? Why is my heart so tied up in these selfish assholes who haven’t taken 5 minutes out of their day to check in with me? They KNOW I’m going through Hell. They KNOW I’ve been suicidal. They KNOW I’ve been struggling hardcore. So it’s not like they’re in the dark. As I was telling Dr. G today, “They’ll ask me how I’m doing, I’ll tell them ‘shitty’, & then I get a ‘I’m sorry’ reply before hours or days of crickets.”

And you know what? I’m over it.

This isn’t like a, “I’m upset but I’ll move on” situation. No, this is different. I’m on just this side of going all scorched Earth on their asses. I’m fed up. Dr. G said today, “Some people are too wrapped up in their own world to notice anyone else” & she’s right. I’m jumping around like a goddamn monkey trying to get their attention & I don’t know why. They don’t care. They’re in their own world facing their own problems.

Once I realized all of this, it was like a little *click* went off. My switch towards fighting for our friendship shut off. I wish them well & I hope they have nothing but happiness on their journey. But I don’t want any part of it. As LC says, “You need to focus on your own health first.”

So I’m cleaning house. I’m not unfriending them, deleting their number, or anything vindictive like that. Like I said, I’m not going scorched Earth on them. But I’m done reaching out. I’m gonna let nature run its course. Vaya con Dios & all.Β My original plan was to try to make amends, to atone for past sins. And now? Now, I’m like, “Fuck it.”

“Art imitating life” or something, I started to get my physical house in order as well. I really cleaned my apartment, got some laundry going, & made a great dent in my overall environment. I do emotionally clean so maybe that’s why? πŸ˜‰ I’m hoping I’ll finish today & get caught up on all the petty shit I need to do. If not today, definitely by tomorrow.

I’m gonna try to follow Dr. G & Dr. H’s advice & spend more time out in nature (since I love it so much). I need to get out of this funk. It’s been too damn long.

Holy fuck, YES! This is EXACTLY how I feel!

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Unwell

Trigger warning: I’m just gonna be honest, real, & raw. I have a lot of emotions I need to process.

I’m not doing well. Like not at all.

I tried to watch CSI & do some laundry last night. I’m at one of the season finales so it’s supposed to be intense, right? Ominous music, dark scenes, the works. And there I am: 0200 & crying. Weeping, really.

I went outside so I wouldn’t have to stifle it as much. I sat hunched over in one of my patio chairs. This is such a deep, deep pain. I feel completely alone. I just wanted to die. I had tried reaching out earlier & no one was there. I asked some friends if they wanted to go out & was turned down. So I think I’m done. I can’t depend on anyone. Everyone says they love you & support you but they’re all AWOL when I’m looking at a leather belt & wondering if the railing will hold my weight.

I’m trying to follow my safety plan. I am. But reaching out only works when someone is there. And this isn’t my “cry for help.” I’m honestly past all of that. I’m just now realizing how alone I actually am. Everyone’s got their own shit to deal with & as I was told, “I can’t deal with your shit as well.”

I was talking to SD last night/early this morning. By this time, I had cracked. He was tired, frustrated, stressed, & low as well. He made it clear how he felt about some things between us, things I’ve done or said, as well as how I’m making him feel. I can’t describe how hard it is to hear things about yourself. Things you know, don’t like, & what you’re trying to fix. Areas you’re failing in because it’s not right or you’re not doing it perfectly. Areas you’re struggling in hardcore. And then to have someone you care about to bring them up & hearing the frustration in their voice.

It all goes back to me feeling unappreciated & not good enough. Granted, this is something that’s been ingrained in me from my parents. We’re trying to work on it in therapy. Meanwhile, the rejection is still there. From my parents, from loved ones, from others. It doesn’t stop. It’s like I’m being told, “My love for you only goes so far.”

Of course, I haven’t been told that verbatim. No, I’ve been told: “I’m too tired.” “I don’t want to deal with this right now.” “You’re being overdramatic.” “Thanks but no thanks.” “I want to be alone.” “It’s too much right now.” “I don’t have time.” Or my favorite – silence.

Last week, I gave the opportunity to love on some friends. I think this week, I’m gonna make amends. Kinda like, “getting your house in order.” I don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future. I do know I’m alone on this journey. And if you’d like to join me, I’d love your company. You’re the only one I can be myself with.

I’m stumbling along & I feel judged for it. My mind isn’t right & hasn’t been for 5 weeks. I’m done with reaching out to others. They have my information. I think I just need to face facts – things have changed & I’m alone now. The question is do I keep fighting or calmly drop my weapons & let whatever happen happen?

I haven’t decided…

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Striking out

Today’s been one of those days.Β One of those, “I wonder what else can get completely fucked up?”

I started today off right. Or at least I tried. I went to a consultation for a little self-care & got that set up starting tomorrow. I picked up a few goodies for a loved one “just because.” I dropped them off thinking I could spend some quality time before the day got too busy…

And that’s about where it stopped today.

  • Loved One is super fucking stressed over work so I felt a little glossed over. I know. It’s the meds. I’m really trying hard to not read into everything & to be supportive. There’s no “end date” so who knows how long this will last.
  • Boss #1 ripped me a new asshole for one very minor mistake (something that isn’t even my job) while completely ignoring the drugged fucko I work with & all of his mistakes. I have no wiggle room & I’m just about fed up with it. I wrote back an email & I kinda snapped. Hopefully, I’ll still have my job. I might need to take a sabbatical. We’ll see.
  • I’ve dealt with several assholes on the phone today for work. And I’m just over it. Don’t be pissed at me because you’re late on your bill. How the fuck is that my fault?
  • I’m still behind on all this other shit I need to do around the house. That’s stressing me out as well.
  • SD made a side comment that really dug at me. I’m trying to take it in stride but it stung. I don’t like the reality of the situation & I’m doing everything I can to change it. And again, meds. I know it’s affecting me & causing me to be more sensitive.

Much like A-Rod here, I think I hit my “fuck it” level for today. I can’t seem to do anything right despite my intentions. I’ve tried to schedule get-togethers & it’s fallen flat. I’ve tried to talk it out & I’m being told to wait. I’ve been rocking a 10 on the stress level for the past month & no one seems concerned. And why would they? I get it. They’re all in their own world.

Meanwhile, I feel invisible & like I’m fading away. I don’t know what else to do. I’m trying to make future plans, to give me some kind of hope. But again, it falls flat. Like it’s not destined to happen or something. I’m being shot down repeatedly. I’m stuck between “giving up” & “pursuing what I want.” It’s a fun hell to be in.

I just need a small sign. Something that tells me that I matter. Something that tells me I’m important, valued, loved. Everyone is so wrapped up in their world that they can’t see me. And how could they? I’m fading fast…

Maybe I should just fade away & see what happens. Probably nothing, right?

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Turning a negative into a positive

Yesterday at therapy, Dr. G challenged me to turn negative thoughts about myself into positive ones. And if positive was too far-fetched, I should work on making them neutral. Being completely honest, I have yet to make anything positive. My mind is still completely in a fog & I feel disconnected from all other emotions, from myself, really. To put it bluntly, I feel very isolated & alone.

Changing from negative to positive is really difficult right now. I’m still dealing with, as Dr. G calls it, “suicidal ideation.” How the fuck do you put a positive spin on that? πŸ˜‰ I honestly don’t how to do it without feeling completely artificial or that it’s a waste of time. However, I am feeling more logical lately so maybe I can just list the facts & go from there. It’s a start, right?

So here’s how my day is going so far:

FACEBOOK

  • I decided to just focus on my FB friends. I don’t want to intrude on anyone’s day so I made a simple post that said, “Like this post & I’ll comment what I admire about you.” People need to know they’re loved. I can’t stress that enough.
  • About a year or so ago, I sent everyone one of my FB a personalized message. I only heard back from a few & that stung. It’s probably my fault for having high expectations. I wasn’t expecting them to be like, “OMG! THANK YOU!” but a simple acknowledgment would be great. No wonder I feel alone. 😦
  • So far, I’ve had like 5-6 people like it which is surprising to me. Are they too busy in their day to hear about what I appreciate about them? Do they not care? If I had posted a ridiculous meme, that would blow up. Is it because it’s a more serious topic? I don’t know.
  • I feel like I’m saying goodbye to them. I’m not quite sure how to feel about that. Like it’s oddly a relief?

REACHING OUT

  • I have several friends who have sent me little messages throughout the day to encourage me that they love me, need me, appreciate me. In the midst of drowning, those messages are like a little bubble of air. I quickly gasp it in & use it to hold on for as long as I can. I wish they knew how vital they are to me. I crave to hear from them.
  • So in my effort to be neutral or positive, I’m trying to be honest with them & others today. It doesn’t necessarily push the negativity away but it does cause me to look for the good.

NIGHTMARES

  • I had a horrible nightmare last night. My SO & I were fighting. We were in the back of a car & heading to a bonfire at some friend’s house. During the car ride, he told me he was going to move in with this other woman. I was crushed. I sat there stunned, unable to move, unable to breathe. I think I cried a tear or two but that was it. When we got to the bonfire, it turned out to be an old crush of mine’s house. Feeling vindictive, I was flirting hardcore with Crush. Like hands all over his body, tongue in his ear. Nowhere was off-limits. My SO couldn’t care less. No, instead, they were “happy” for me. We were supposed to have a big meal together & I ran off & cried. My love didn’t save him. I tried being petty & making him jealous & that didn’t work. I was left all alone in the cold, dark woods. He never came after me. He was over me. 😦
  • That was fun, right? My only positive is that it was just a dream. Unfortunately, it felt real so it’s been fucking with my head all day. I took a Klonopin about 2 hours ago to help. I’m also listening to some soothing instrumental music to help ease my soul.

ONE MONTH

  • Today marks a month. A solid fucking month of this. How much more do I have to endure? I feel numb to it now. My days blend together & I schlep through the day. I just want the pain to stop. One way or another, God, make it stop.45c4465978f30aa4bbf6d96932218546