finding my truth

February 13, 2019

Unraveling my thoughts

As you know, my mind has been in this “slush” for the better part of 6 weeks. Add to that the “on edge” feeling I’ve been having lately & you can see why everything feels cluttered & chaotic. Again, I’m not sure why but it’s just where I’m at. “Because that’s how depression works” isn’t the best answer but it is the most accurate answer. 🤷‍♀️

During my massage today, I found my body relaxed but my mind whirling. That’s nothing new, I know. My mind felt like a ball of yarn all knotted up. As I’m lying there, I’m mentally telling myself, “Oh, do this. Don’t forget about that. Shit – you gotta handle this” and so on & so forth. So I’m not really relaxed.

Instead of letting my mind to continue getting tangled up, I did my best to silence it. I would grab one string of thought & mentally cut it out via quick decisions or discard it completely.

For example:

String: Ugh. I’m out of Bangs & I’m *dragging. I’m gonna need something.
Cut: I’ll go to the gas station after my massage & pick up a few Bangs to hold me over until my next shipment comes. *snip*

String: I need to go to the gym. I have zero energy or willpower lately. What is wrong with me? I miss it but I can’t go without feeling lightheaded & weak. It’s such a vicious cycle…
Cut: Fuck it. Take the rest of February off to focus on getting your mental health back up to where it should be. Obviously, there are some deeper issues you need to resolve. *snip*

String: God, why am I so fucking tired lately? I feel like I’m sleeping all the time & I’m still yawning & exhausted!
Cut: So you need a bit more rest now. Who cares? Do what’s best for you. Fuck the rest.

Once I cut these huge knots out, I felt a lot better. I even fell asleep for a few moments on the massage table. 😉

It’s hard for me to let things go. I feel like I’m failing in some area. Between working it out here & Dr. G, I’m slowly learning that it’s not failure but strength. Sometimes it’s not worth it & it doesn’t need any of my time, energy, or focus. All it’s gonna do is knot up in my mind, right?

One day at a time. Someday, I’ll get through this phase & look back with pride.

Someday. 🙂

* Every time I say “dragging,” I think of “dragon.” Which makes me then think of this badass scene. 😉

February 11, 2019

Drawing a blank…

For the past week or so, I’ve been unbelievably tired. My mind’s been in a fog & I feel sluggish.

No, I’m not pregnant. I’m pretty sure I’ve just been skirting the edge of a depressive episode.

I think it’s because it’s so ungodly cold out. I live in the Midwest so we’ve been dealing with the “polar vortex” lately. I don’t have SAD or anything like that. No, lucky me, my depression is year-round. 😉 But because it’s so cold, I’m in this constant state of trying to get warm & stay warm. And, let’s face it, it’s February. Usually, by this point, I’m over it.

I find myself drinking Bangs, Diet Cokes, & a ton of water to get my mind & body moving. Even so, I’m still stumbling into bed & calling it quits around 2200. All I want to do is sleep. I’m basically a bear. 😉

In some twisted way, I feel like if I would just fall into this episode & get it over with, I would feel better…? Does that make sense?

I haven’t eaten yet so maybe I should. I’m sure that would help, right? I don’t know. I just feel like I’m constantly drawing a blank. I know there’s a lot I wanna tell you but when I try to think of something, nothing’s there.

Ugh. So frustrating.

I love this. Kindness is always important!

February 4, 2019

February Goals

Ahh, February. I’m not usually a fan of this month because I’m over the cold by now. Thankfully, it’s a shorter month. And because of that, my overall focus is to maintain.

– A snapshot –

SPIRITUAL: 7 → 7
MENTAL: 8 → 8
PHYSICAL: 6 → 6
SOCIAL: 9 → 9
CAREER: 7 → 7
FINANCIAL: 6 → 6
FAMILY: 9 → 9

– The details –

SPIRITUAL: 7

I’m still on this journey & figuring out what I really believe in my heart of hearts. This isn’t gonna be a quick fix or a simple answer. All I know is that I’m finally getting some peace which is wonderful.
GOAL: To continue working on it. Like I said, it’ll probably be a while so this goal might be 7 for a while. And that’s okay. 🙂

MENTAL: 8

I’m doing a great job of eliminating unnecessary stress. I still have some low days (as you know) but overall, I’m good. I’m learning it’s okay to make me a priority. 🙂
GOAL: To continue giving myself permission to do what I want or to politely decline. No need to add stress or to be an asshole.

PHYSICAL: 6

I haven’t been as tight as I would like with the gym. Meh. Between sickness & schedules, it’s been rough.
GOAL: To forgive myself & to keep going. I’m not a quitter.

SOCIAL: 9

I think I’m at the best I’m gonna be with this for a while. I’ll pull this off next month.
GOAL: To continue to shower my friends with love, laughter, & dank memes. 😉

CAREER: 7

I haven’t read through my books yet. I did take a master class & I felt that – haha! It was a good challenge but some of it wore me out. I can’t really do these fast turns & dance on tile with no support that much anymore. My knees were feeling it. Ugh.
GOAL: To do some research & give myself permission to learn new skills.

FINANCIAL: 6

I’m almost through the roughness so that’s encouraging. The downside of seasonal work, y’know? I have about one more month & then I should start getting paid full-time (or close to full-time). Sigh. It’s not usually this stressful but this year is a little different.
GOAL: To keep going. I can do this.

FAMILY: 9

I’m not putting up with bullshit & I’m much happier! I’ll pull this one off next month as well. 🙂
GOAL: To continue to love on my family & let them know I appreciate them

January 31, 2019

Therapy & Facebook

I met with Dr. G today. She is so encouraging, supportive, & funny. She & I roll our eyes over politics & ridiculous people and laugh at our crass sense of humor. 🙂 I’m telling you, hearing your therapist call someone a “12-year-old prick on a power trip” is hilarious!

We talked about how I got a speeding ticket earlier this week (I had no clue I was speeding! Haha whoops). Unlike when I got into my car accident, I was very calm. No panic attacks, no crazy high anxiety, no scary stuff! It may not sound like much but this is a huge milestone for me! I wanted to cry happy tears. I’m finally coming down the other side of this mountain.

We also talked about my narcissistic & manipulative mother. We’re making more connections to my past & why I’m wired the way I am. Stuff like, because I was gaslighted & made to believe everything comes with a price, is why I throw up a wall & I don’t trust others. Sometimes it’s hard to work through some past memories. Especially when I don’t want to deal with it. 😉 But the wound can’t heal as long as the infection is still there, right? So we’re working on cleaning it out & letting all the bullshit fade away.

My hiatus from FB wasn’t very long since I logged back on today. I just needed a little breather from it & I do feel better. I realized a large chunk of what was bothering me is the constant “LOOKATMEEEE!!!” from everyone sprinkled with 427 ads for bullshit I’m not interested in.

I’m not an attention whore by any means. Even with performing, don’t put me front & center. 😉 The best way I can think to describe it is that everyone else is clamoring for their own attention so my needs got pushed way, way back. As long as I’m not in critical condition, no one seems to notice me. I’m not a pessimist; I’m a realist.

I’m in this phase of life where I’m tired of fighting for attention. I’m either important or I’m not. You’ll either make the time or you won’t. I’m not gonna chase after anyone anymore. During this past week, I’ve consistently talked to 3-4 friends. We talk, make plans, FOLLOW THROUGH, & have a great time.

And! They are awesome so I’m keeping them. 🙂

So, yes, I logged back on to see a few friends that I had missed what was going on in their lives. I did unfriend a few & I’m thinking about cutting through my list again. I don’t like to keep “fake” people in my life. I want to only keep people I know who love me & support me. I feel like some people only want to see me fail. Fuck those people, right?

So that’s kinda where I am right now. So far, 2019 has been a transitional type of year for me. We’ll see where it goes…

OMG, I love this!

January 29, 2019

Migraines

Holy fuck.

I’m in a lot of pain.

It started a little after lunch. This annoying stabbing pain on my left side. But unlike a “normal” ice pick headache, it didn’t go away. I took meds but it still grew & grew. It wasn’t long before I drew the shades, put relaxing music on, put my glasses on, & tried to quietly finish work.

It’s been at least 7 hours of this bullshit. Non-stop throbbing around my left temple, my vision is kinda fucked up through that eye, & it’s all a deep, intense pain.

I. Hate. Migraines.

I don’t get them often (thankfully) but OMG. They are terrible. Absolutely horrific.

I had to teach tonight, too. And not just “teach.” No, I taught tap. To 18 boys. Who’ve never danced before. Oh & some them need to be properly medicated.

Oh. My. GAWD.

I sat in my car before class with my sunglasses on & my hands covering my eyes. My left eye was closed & I was focusing on my breathing. In through my nose, out through my mouth. Just keep breathing.

I can’t think straight. I can’t see straight. I keep losing my train of thought.

After class, I sat back in my car for a few minutes. I put my head back & quietly sighed. By this point, it’s dark outside so it’s not as bad as it was when I was driving towards the sunset. I just wanted to be held & cry without judgment or expectation.

I still do…

January 26, 2019January 26, 2019

Hopeless

Once again, I’m feeling really low so I’m just working through things.

Sigh…

I don’t know where to begin. It’s all kinda rough but I’ll do my best to explain how I feel.

I’m very depressed & feeling very hopeless. I’m in bed & I keep staring at the thick, black belt that’s hanging over my closet door. I spent all day & all night in bed as well. I’ve been crying nonstop for the last day or two. It’s exhausting but I can’t seem to stop.

“I thought you were doing better. What happened?”

Someone I deeply admire, respect, & love told me something extremely painful – “Your best isn’t good enough.”

Even typing that hurts. Fuck.

This person knows this is the same bullshit my parents used against me. They know those deep memories. That’s why it burns so much.

It’s like I can’t escape that mentality. I’m trying so goddamn hard to do what’s right. Obviously, so much to the point that it’s caused an episode. Only to be told it’s not good enough. I feel like I’ve come full circle, back to my childhood.

The fight-or-flight in me doesn’t have the drive anymore to stand up for myself. I feel like I’m just letting everyone down. I feel like Jackson Maine in “A Star is Born.” If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about. Side note: this song is in my head now.

I’m taking a sabbatical from Facebook. I can’t seem to log on without getting hurt or reminded that I’m not worthy. Maybe I’ll take MM’s advice & just deactivate my account. I don’t know yet. I did post a notice that I’m taking a breather & for anyone to message me if they need me. No shocker – nobody’s said a word. Sigh. I guess I’m not really needed anymore…

I will probably be blogging more as I need to continue working this out. I’m not really on any other platform so you can catch me here, I guess.

I feel very alone. Isolated, really. Once again, my circle of trust has dwindled down. I’m tired of giving my heart to others & to be left picking up the pieces while they walk away with the best parts of me. I don’t know what to do with these pieces. Maybe I’ll just let the wind scatter them & be done.

I’m tired of being told I’m not good enough. Maybe they’re right…

Staying on the A Star is Born theme…

January 25, 2019

Waiting…

Feeling low today, so as you know, I’m gonna work on getting all of this out to help me deal.

I’m so fucking tired of being told to wait. To hold on. To have some patience. No more. When is it going to be my time? Am I not worthy of attention?

I get working through shit and that you may not be up to snuff yet. I have no problem with that. Take a few days & sort it out. I have a problem of being put on hold for an extended amount of time with no end in sight.

I feel like a backup. While those words have never been uttered, it’s exactly how I feel. Because I’m loyal & available doesn’t mean I deserve to be treated like my feelings don’t matter. Yes, it hurts when people claim to be friends but are gone the second everything in their life is peachy keen. But once they need something, then I’ll hear from them.

Regardless of someone is on cloud nine or if they’re in the trenches, I’m asked to wait it out. I guess I’m supposed to wait until I’m needed again.

I’m completely tapped out. My soul is cracked & dry with my tears being my only source of water. I’m so tired of fighting to be seen & heard. I feel like I’m in this friendship desert & I’m dying of thirst.

I’m not a fucking vending machine. I’m not a relationship counselor. I’m not a mediator. I am a strong woman with hopes and dreams and who just wants to be treated with some goddamn respect.

If I’m that important, treat me as such. “SC, you’re such a good friend!” When’s the last time you asked how I was doing? When’s the last time you held me while I cried? When’s the last time we got together & laughed? Do you even know what I’m going through or is this the first time you’re actually listening? And if it is, that says a lot more about you than about me. If I am such a good friend, then why do I feel alone?

This is not an invitation to have my phone suddenly blow up. What’s done is done. You know if you fucked up. Use this opportunity to do some inner work & to think about how your actions affect other people.

January 24, 2019

Flow

I woke up this morning to a beautiful sunrise. The sky was a soft pink color with a hint of orange & yellow glow. It was lightly snowing & I was completely mesmerized by its beauty. It was absolutely magical. And even though I was tired & cold, I smiled & took a deep breath. Ahh… all is well.

It looked very similar to this:

God, I love nature. It really does help me. Not only does it calm my soul but it helps me put things into perspective. It’s a big universe out there. And maybe my problems that seem astronomical really aren’t.

Maybe instead of being so focused & concerned with what’s right in front of me, I need to lift up my eyes to the world around me & take Mother Nature’s advice. Birds don’t freak out over dinner. The trees don’t spaz over losing their leaves. Rivers don’t stop when they come to rocks, tree limbs, & other debris. It all flows.

Maybe that’s the reminder I need today. To just flow & to not be bogged down by temporary things. To continue doing what I need to do at my own pace.

All is well. ❤

January 24, 2019

Ghosts of the past

There are some parts of my life that I want to leave in the past. People who’ve hurt me, jobs who pressured me into doing something illegal, places I felt unsafe, whatever.

We all have dark chapters in our lives. And it’s those chapters I want to slam shut & then padlock. Never again, right?

And I feel like, with medication & therapy, I’m doing a good job with keeping some of those sections of my life closed. I don’t need to open Pandora’s box. Truth be told, sometimes it feels like it all happened to someone else & not me. I guess that means I’ve really moved on, huh?

I know I’ve touched on this before but I felt like I needed to add on a bit. An appendix to my book of life, if you will. 😉

While I feel like I’m doing an awesome job with keeping the toxicity away, occasionally, someone or something brings it back to my focus. Ugh. Whyyyy? I don’t want your garbage. Toss that shit & move on!

I’m talking STUPID SHIT like…

People who have failed me over & over again so I cut them out of my life months, years, eons ago. Sometimes, I honestly forget they exist. Good riddance. “I saw her the other day & she asked about you.” I don’t give a fuck. Why do you?
Unhealthy relationships – personal or professional. “I talked to the ex again” or “Remember Nick the boss when we worked in Hell?” OMG. I’m done. You’re never gonna heal in the same environment you got sick. Drop it.
People who knew me when I was considerably younger & use that standard against me now. “I remember when you used to –” Yeah, that’s great. I was 6. I’m 36 now. Do you know anything about me? No? Didn’t think so.

And it’s like I can’t move on because these fucking ghosts of the past are still lingering. They try to haunt me & judge me, but honestly, I’m apathetic & unmoved by their guilt. Bish, I was RAISED in a guilt-ridden home & I’m Jewish. C’mon, now. I can deal with this a lot longer & better than you can. 😉

The issue for me is that I find myself still facing the same 2-3 ghosts. Regardless of what I say or do, there they are hovering over me, trying to remind me of how things used to be. “He loved me more” or “I can do no wrong in her eyes” or “I got the promotion you wanted & worked for” etc.

It’s the fact that I can’t seem to escape them bothers me. I think I’ll be safe for a while & then someone or something will happen. And I’m right back in that place. Dr. G calls it a “trigger” & says it’s normal.

I want to exorcise these demons & be done with them. How do I do that when I can’t control it? Holy water? 😉

My new mantra

January 17, 2019January 17, 2019

January Goals

As I was lying wide awake last night, it occurred to me that I didn’t do my January goals. Whoops! I completely spaced them with the New Year & all. So let’s jump right in & see what I’m gonna work on this month:

– A snapshot –

SPIRITUAL: 6 → 7
MENTAL: 7 → 8
PHYSICAL: 6 → 7
SOCIAL: 8 → 9
CAREER: 7 → 8
FINANCIAL: 5 → 6
FAMILY: 8 → 9

– The details –

SPIRITUAL: 6

I’ve been reading & listening to an amazing podcast. I feel like it’s starting to answer these deep questions I’ve had for a while. I can’t quite make out the spiritual picture yet but the dust is definitely settling. I’m learning it’s OKAY to have questions, to doubt, & to search answers out. Loving it!
GOAL: To continue to research & to figure out what my foundational beliefs are. Judaism, yes, but to what extent? It’s a journey, for sure, but I’m excited about it!

MENTAL: 7

This year has quickly become the Year of Not Giving a Fuck or the Year of Being Done. I’ve felt this way about jobs & friends but now I’m applying it to family members. And you know what? I’m happier. 🙂 Even Dr. G is saying I’m doing a great job!
GOAL: To be done with selfish assholes & be okay with that. I don’t need or want to play their games anymore. I’m picking up my toys & going home.

PHYSICAL: 6

I’ve been kicking ass in the gym & I’m feeling good about it. And the gym is finally quieting down from all the resolution people. A special thank you to all of those failed goals LOL 😉
GOAL: To continue working out & to pull the reins in with my food. You can’t out train a bad diet, SC. C’mon now.

SOCIAL: 8

I’m really, really happy with this area. I love my friends (& readers!). ❤
GOAL: To continue to love on them & to show them how much they mean to me.

CAREER: 7

I got some new research books so I need to go through those & continue to work on my own education & experience. Just when I think I know a good amount, I’m reminded of how little I actually know. But that’s life.
GOAL: To extend my dance knowledge & terminology. It’s constantly evolving & I need to stay with the curve so I don’t get swept away.

FINANCIAL: 5

I’ve been doing pretty good with this! I picked up another class to teach at Job #2 & I agreed to sub more at Job #3. TBH, it’s a little rough right now but I’ll get through it. 🙂
GOAL: To not give up! I need this as a constant reminder.

FAMILY: 8

We good, fam. 😉
GOAL: To keep on keepin’ on!