Penance

As a Jew, I don’t believe or follow acts of penance but I do beat myself up a lot for being human. So samesies? In an effort to work on that, I thought I would write it out here.

Sigh. Where to start?

A little background:

I’m dealing with some life-changing shit at the moment. You know about my job. You know about COVID-19 & how it’s putting everyone & everything to a halt. So much so, I’m needing to reschedule my trip to see my Grandma since everything is on lockdown. So I’m not working at my one job (Job #2) because we’re closed for social distancing. You know how I’m concerned about supplies running out (money or food).

So yeah. I’ve got a lot on my mind.

Now, let me tell you what I did:

I went out last night with MB. Once a month, we get together, drink some whiskey, & get caught up on our lives. I absolutely love it & I look forward to it. 🙂 Instead of staying with my “4 drinks” rule, I drank way too much. I’m not even sure of the number. I do know there was this little voice in my head telling me to stop & I drowned it in whiskey. I didn’t want to listen to wisdom or reason. I wanted the anxiety & depression to go away. Best way to do that? Get blitzed so you can’t think & pretty much guarantee you’ll be full of shame & disappointment in the morning.

Ugh.

I didn’t drink enough water & I gave into my binge eating disorder (but we’ll get to that on some other day). I haven’t looked at my receipt yet but I’m sure it’s not pretty. I shouldn’t be spending that much money or using my body like a fucking dumpster when I’m upset. I KNOW this but I did it anyways.

I’ve been feeling sick all day. Not just from the alcohol but also from the food & lack of water. I know I get all handsy & extra gay when I drink so I’m sure I felt up MB or something. Sorry, girl. ❤

I, of course, am punishing myself. I don’t feel worthy of anything good at the moment. I’ve been pulling back & very quiet today. Some days I really hate being human. So the next question is, “How long am I punishing myself?” I don’t know. “Until I feel like I’ve suffered enough” doesn’t seem like a good answer but it’s honest.

I’m having an IUD inserted tomorrow so I’m looking forward to that. I can’t wait to have a somewhat normal period. So because I’m going earlier in the morning, there’s no sense in me showering tonight if I’m gonna shower again before my appointment. Still blows my mind that there are women who don’t shower before their doctor’s appointment. So gross.

I think I’m gonna go to bed now. I’m done with this day. Here’s hoping tomorrow will be better.

Big mood.