Alone

Because I promised my therapist I would reach out when I felt like this, I’m choosing to reach out here. This is my only avenue where I can get full attention & I can be myself. This isn’t a fun post. I’m just being raw & real. No gifs, no bells & whistles, no funny memes. Just me.

I feel like shit. I’ve been crying all day. I’m gonna get into it but my thoughts are probably gonna be scattered. I’ve got a lot going on.

I took a shower & just bawled. You know that silent crying when you’re so hurt but you don’t want anyone to hear you? Yeah. That. I’m so tired of being rejected & being overlooked. Somehow I’m missing the mark in EVERY FUCKING AREA of my life & I don’t see it or get it.

I’ve tried to reconnect with old friends. And you know what happens? I get completely ghosted or some sort of Christianese with a shrug emoji. I fucking hate Christianese. I don’t want you to “pray for me.” I want you to talk to me.

I tried reaching out today to current friends but they are more affected by Betty White’s passing (someone they’ve never met) versus their friend who is really struggling. Pretty sure I have to be dead to get a reaction from anyone.

Also, I’m 95% sure my bosses hate me. I don’t know why but my fuckup of a coworker shits diamonds or something & they think she’s amazing. Case in point, yesterday at work, I mentioned how I got this facility to send us $125k from their past due amount. Not one fucking word from any of them (SB, RS, or JD). Nothing. But SB had no problem singling out fuckup coworker for bringing in $60k. RS & JD were so proud & impressed.

I’m invisible.

I have one friend at work. I’ve been there for almost 20 months. One friend. I seem to be a pebble in everyone’s shoe & I don’t know how. I’m not trying to be frustrating. I’m not trying to be a pain. I’m trying to do my job well & to make friends because I’m so lonely. But I’m constantly overshadowed by others who do a shitty job even though I feel like I do my job really, really well. I have to be my own cheerleader which is damn near impossible when you feel like shit.

It doesn’t matter what I say or do. I really am alone. And you know what? I’m not strong enough to go through life alone.

“You need a new job.” Oh, honey. This is affecting all areas of my life. Keep reading.

My other job? Classes start back up in 3 days. I don’t know the theme which I need to know before classes start back up. There was a last-minute meeting yesterday at 1300 to discuss it. I heard about it with a day’s notice & I work during the day so I couldn’t go. So I’m in the dark there. My boss swore she would tell me afterwards. Silence.

I didn’t post here for my birthday like I usually do, but it doesn’t matter. Job #1 usually posts birthdays on their social media but they didn’t. I wasn’t even mentioned in the newsletter. Job #2 didn’t say a word. Still hasn’t. This was also the first year I didn’t get anything from a student for the holidays. 24 year-streak. Broken.

I don’t care that this is fickle & absurd. This is real & important to me.

I had fewer friends wish me happy birthday this year. Like a handful tops. The ones who did made empty promises of getting together. Either no plans or last-minute cancelations so I’m sitting in the restaurant or bar by myself.

I don’t need or want gifts. That’s not who I am. I want kindness, love, friendship. I want someone to see things from my perspective for once. I want someone to know what it’s like to feel like you’re constantly in a pinball machine. Being pushed around, bouncing off of sides, & unsure of where you’re going is draining.

I wanted to go in-person to temple tonight because I feel like I need it. We’re supposed to get some shitty weather starting around midnight tonight so they canceled (even though service is at 1800).

I also requested for my conversion to take place in late January because of my ear. They seemed annoyed with it & they haven’t gotten back to me. This was like 3 weeks ago. Like, I’m not making this up. My ear is fucked. C’mon, now.

And before you start saying, “it’s not personal,” let me tell you how often I’ve heard that lately. When everyone is telling you “it’s not personal,” it’s fucking personal. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. No one will tell me. It’s like they all have washed their hands of me & stepped away.

I don’t consider myself a shitty person. I’m not an asshole. I genuinely care for others which is why this hurts so much. It’s like the harder I try to be good & to do good, the more ignored & rejected I get.

When I say, “I don’t know how I’m missing the mark,” I mean it. What is it about me? If there’s something I’m missing or doing, why hasn’t anyone told me or helped me? I feel like my therapist is the only one who gets it. She constantly tells me that I’m a good person & others just don’t see it yet. But it’s been years of this. I’m tired. I’m so tired of trying to be seen.

So I’m done trying. I don’t wanna make plans & then be alone. I don’t wanna reach out & hear that some 99-year-old woman passing is heartbreaking when I’m barely hanging on. I don’t wanna try to talk to an old friend to hear him give me a shitty-ass excuse because his wife is an insecure twat. I don’t wanna ask for help or direction only to be treated like a huge inconvenience. I’m just done.

My New Year’s resolution is to do shit on my own. I’ll be my own best friend because I know what I need. I don’t want to be alone but I am. If this year has taught me anything, it’s taught me that I can’t depend on anyone.

So I’ll probably post here more as I’ll be talking to you for support when I need it. It blows my mind how people from all around the world have been more encouraging & understanding than people in my own city. How fucked is that? If I’m forced to be alone, I might as well be honest & introduce myself.

My name is Sarah. And I’m done.