Restricting access

I was thinking about how much I’ve stepped back lately. I mean, I haven’t posted here yet this month. I’m barely online for funsies anymore. I’ve been in this weird stage of my life when I’m enjoying the quiet, simple silence.

Part of that is because I feel invisible. I’m not sure how I’m consistently being ignored but I feel like I’m doing this a lot:

So with some people, I just stopped. I stopped reaching out first, I stopped making plans, I stopped making an effort. They don’t seem to notice or be bothered so fuck it. At first, as you know, I was really hurt. But now? Now, I’m just annoyed. I don’t have time for this shit. You’re either with me or you’re not. And it seems like my circle of real friends is getting smaller & smaller, but at least they’re real.

I’m in a few group chats. I’m pretty sure in one of them, I could say that I’m on fire & they wouldn’t notice. Another one, I will say something directly to another member & it gets ignored. And another, just replies with emojis any time I say something real & that’s not a funny meme.

So I don’t know. I’m in this weird limbo. Like I haven’t left the groups yet because, honestly, I just don’t want to deal with the drama. But I can silence them & I’ve definitely stopped initiating anything. I’m doing the same with a few other people. Like you don’t get to have full access to me anymore. I’m finally developing enough self-respect to say, “You know what? Fuck this. I’m worth more than your shitty behavior.”

There is this quote floating around that’s like, “Real friends don’t care if they haven’t heard from you in a while.” It’s horseshit. You can’t claim to be my friend & to genuinely care about me & then go all silent when I need some support. Especially when these same people are the ones who reach out to me the second they need someone.

So yeah. I don’t have it all figured out. Part of it feels petty & another part feels like I couldn’t care less. Either way, I’m learning an interesting lesson. When you treat others the way they treat you, they’re either cool with it or they’re upset. Funny how that works.

Regardless, I’m shifting my priorities & discovering a new level of peace. It’s weird but nice. I’m the type of person who wears her heart on her sleeve. So having to learn to hold some pieces back is…new. It’s a challenge but I think it’s smart. I need to start protecting my heart from those who would take advantage of it.