I met with Dr. G today. God, I love her. She’s so cool & she just gets it. Best of all? She’s nonjudgmental. I know that’s her job but seriously? It really, really helps.
I told her about my weekend & she was really proud of me for recognizing my behavior. We talked about the fight with my *BFF & why I was sabotaging myself. She said something that really stuck with me:
“SC, sometimes when we’re raised in a chaotic environment, we don’t trust anything healthy because that’s not our norm. So when things are going well, we’re suspicious & tend to pull ourselves back to that unhealthy, sabotaging area. It’s human behavior & it happens. The first step to recovery is being aware of it.”
Holy shit. I knew I had a pattern but to hear why I keep doing it is eye-opening.
Growing up, our house was full of chaos. I don’t think a day went by without someone fighting with someone else. My parents are hoarders as well so there was plenty of physical clutter as well as mental clutter. No wonder when things are going well, I don’t trust it. It’s like I’m waiting for something to explode because that’s what I know – chaos & drama. So when nothing is happening according to my internal upbringing, I make it happen. I do things like getting super drunk & saying things I don’t actually believe because, for this sick reason, the drama is comforting to me. It’s what I know.
It reminds me of this scene in “I, Tonya” when Tonya Harding says something like, “I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to be physically abused. That’s how I was raised & that’s how my relationships were. I just thought it was normal.” While I wasn’t physically abused, I was emotionally & gaslighted up the wazoo. Everything was always my fault & anytime I proved them wrong, I was made to believe it was “all in my head.”
As Dr. G says, “Abuse is abuse. There is no hierarchy.”
It’s interesting to me to see how I’ve taken what I’ve known as “normal” in my childhood & applied it to my adulthood.
The good news is with all of this is that both Dr. G & Dr. H have said they’re very proud of me & are happy to say that I have a “positive & upward trajectory.” It doesn’t always feel like it but they’re the professionals. They told me that I’m making really, really good progress.
I guess this is my path towards success. I have tons of fuck-ups but my overall trajectory is upward. Even with sabotaging setbacks, I’m still making ground.
I can tell the meds are making a huge difference. I used to feel like there were overlapping voices (my own voice) screaming nonstop in my head. I couldn’t hear anything else. There was no peace. I pictured myself in a fetal position in a dark room while surrounded & overpowered by these demons.
But now, it’s different. I’m still in the room but it’s not as dark. I have a few candles lit. And instead of overwhelming & screaming voices, it’s like there’s only a few floating around but I can control them. More like balloons versus demons.
I see Dr. H again in 3 weeks when we’ll discuss the next step. She wants me to be in “full remission” so we might need to up my meds again or try something to help me stay focused & raise my dopamine levels. So yeah, we’ll see.
The past few days have been very good for me. I’ve gone to the gym (twice!) & gotten everything on my To Do list done. I’m not stressed in the evening & I’m staying on top of things without feeling like I’m gonna snap. I’m even setting up a bedtime routine so I’ll be sleeping well soon enough.
I’m really starting to feel like I have a grasp on my life. My God, is this how other people feel? Those lucky bastards who don’t have to deal with mental illness? Do they have this kind of drive all the time? Bastards! 😉
Stay tuned. I’m moving up. ❤
* BTW – I believe in multiple BFFs. I think we’ve talked about this before. So if one of my besties in reading this & thinks, “Wtf!”, no worries. 🙂 I believe in very close relationships with very few people. Quality over quantity.
finding my truth 