Stopping the cycle

“And the award for Most Likely to Fuck Everything Up goes to…

*opens envelope* SC!”

OMG thank you! Wow! This is so expected! I want to thank my inner dialogue for unleashing hell & becoming my outer dialogue. Um, wow, so many to thank. Thanks to my stupid mouth for spewing shit I don’t actually believe to my BFF. Thanks to my self-sabotaging behavior for refusing to allow me to be genuinely happy. Thanks to my fucking heart that only causes me pain & regret. Oh, and thank you, Jameson, for being a little bitch. I couldn’t have done it without you, boo! *music plays* Okay, that’s my cue but most of all, THANK YOU crippling depression & anxiety. We made it!

Ugh.

So yeah. I’ve had a rough weekend. I’m not sure if I’m ready to get into the details but let’s just put it this way. I got stupid drunk & talked to my BFF. Yes, the same one that I’m trying to make amends with. Although now, who the fuck knows what’s gonna happen. I let my anger, frustration, jealousy, & competitiveness blind me.

Quick disclaimer: I’m gonna be raw & honest. If you’re gonna judge me, then fuck off. I have no time or patience for that shit. Those who get it know what it’s like. They know the struggle between doing what you SHOULD do & then what you ACTUALLY do.

A little snapshot of my weekend so far:

  • On Friday, I drank until I couldn’t see. Then I drove home. I honestly don’t know how I got home. That was stupid.
  • I also took some pills so I could get high & not think about all of this *gestures to head*. I wasn’t really feeling it so I drank a lot more than I should’ve. Again, stupid.
  • I completely unloaded & caused BFF to drop to negative numbers. Way to fucking go, SC. Now things are really damaged & I don’t know what to do. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
  • I spent most of yesterday in a haze. Not so much like a hangover but more like self-evaluation. How did I get to this point?
  • I didn’t go to Temple. I was too ashamed of myself. Which, for those who are religious know that’s counterproductive, but that’s where my head was.
  • There was also a change in my behavior that was a little unexpected. Too personal to mention here but I did rectify & backpedal quickly before I made any long-term decisions. It was eye-opening as well.

Why am I so afraid of being happy? Why don’t I think I deserve it? Why do I sabotage my relationships? Why do I push people away?

My only theory is that I try to fuck myself over before Life can fuck me over. I didn’t say it was healthy but that’s how I feel. When things are going well, I don’t trust it. I think it stems from my insecurities. Also, if I push people away, they can’t leave me, right?

So all of this has been floating in my mind for about the last 32 or so hours. I don’t know how I could make things even worse. So yay?

I have to change things. I can’t keep this cycle going. Over & over & over of compounding self-loathing. It has to stop. I’m the only one who can change things. That is both awesome & scary. The issue is that deep down I don’t believe that I’m worthy of change. I can’t quite describe it. It’s like I’m not destined to be the tigress I want to be. I know it sounds crazy. It’s just this deep, gut feeling. I’ll bring it all up in therapy this week & I’m sure Dr. G won’t be surprised. 😉

Until then, I need a plan. An updated plan. I work best when I have things listed out & I can follow the order. It somehow calms my mind. I don’t know if it’s because I’m Type A or OCD or just the fact it’s out of my head.

Here’s my basic plan for September:

– A snapshot –

SPIRITUAL:  4 → 5
MENTAL: 2 → 4
PHYSICAL: 1 → 3
SOCIAL: 1 → 4
CAREER: 6 → 7
FINANCIAL: 3 → 5
FAMILY: 6 → 7

– The details –

SPIRITUAL: 4

  • I can tell I’m much happier going to Temple. I still don’t quite feel like I “fit in” but I know that’ll come with time. I’m actually interested in doing some Torah study now so that’s an improvement.
  • GOAL: To continue going to Temple. Maybe participate in the Giving Tree they have in the lobby? Or Yom Kippur? Or Sukkot?

MENTAL: 2

  • Okay, so obviously if you’ve been following for the last few months, this has taken a major hit. I’ve gone from feeling really suicidal to more stable. I am trying to work on it. This is just a rough period in my life. Also, I need to take a break from alcohol as I’m not being smart with it.
  • GOAL: To continue taking my meds & seeing my therapist; stop drinking since I’m not in a healthy place right now; finish these 2 books that I’m really into but I put them aside. Therapy is a lot of work but I think it’s helping me out a lot. Those who know me best have said they can see the changes so that’s good. And I think I’m pretty much stabilized on my meds so that’s good as well.

PHYSICAL: 1

  • I hate this. Completely & wholly. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. I’m done fighting against it.
  • GOAL: To start going to the gym. I miss how strong I feel lifting weights. Even if I’m not lifting that much, it helps me. Plus, I listen to some 90s rock or Britney to get me there. 😉

SOCIAL: 1

  • You know this area is shit for me right now. What’s done is done. Time to press forward.
  • GOAL: To give my BFF time & space; to not be so offended if/when they say no to get-togethers; to realize the good in the situation – we’re not giving up.

CAREER: 6

  • So I officially have 3 jobs. Job #1 is my day job & that’s fine. Sure, there are things I’d like to change, but I’ve been there for so long (7 years) that I’ve made my peace with a lot of it. Job #2 is going really, really well. I don’t feel super confident in one of my classes but I’ll get there. Job #3 contacted me this past week & I now have a stack of paperwork to fill out to be officially an employee. Boss #3 said she’s super excited to have me on board & can already tell when she wants me to come in & sub. So yeah. I’m nervous I’ll fuck that up. I’m sorry. It’s just how my mind is.
  • GOAL: To spend 30 minutes 3x a week to focus on terminology & choreography so that I feel more comfortable with Job #2 & Job #3.

FINANCIAL: 3

  • So during my mental crash, I just said “fuck it” to my budget. I’m back in some credit card debt (ugh) & I need to pay that bitch off as well as save like a motherfucker.
  • GOAL: To set up & stay on my budget; update my list of debtors & if necessary, share to keep myself on target.

FAMILY: 6

  • I feel like things are okay but they could be better. I’ve been slacking in several areas & the consequences aren’t pretty.
  • GOAL: To make dinner again; set up monthly get-togethers; stay on top of household tasks.

I’m getting off this carousel ride. I’m tired of this shit. I hate how it took me really, really hurting someone I love to see it. But now that I see it, I’m not going back. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to them. I’m not sabotaging myself or others anymore. I’m done.

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2 Replies to “Stopping the cycle”

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