Well hello there!
Has your life been as insane as mine? Work has been absolutely nutso & I honestly haven’t had the time or mental energy to do much else. You know it’s been bad when you can’t remember much because your mind is protecting you. Survivor mode is engaged.
I feel like I’m getting back into a good place where I can add some other tasks back into my life. So yeah. Didn’t forget about you. Just going nonstop. 😉
God, it seems like there is so much to tell you. I’m gonna jump right in with one of the many random topics. Buckle up, buttercup!
I’m seriously considering going quasi-sober (I’ll explain what that means to me in a sec). I know I don’t have a drinking problem but I know how I am when I’m drunk or buzzed. TBH, I’m not a fan of how I feel afterwards. There’s a dark side to it that I’ve been experiencing that I really, REALLY don’t like.
I was talking to my “sister” HK about it (she’s younger than me & I adore & support her endlessly. She’s like my baby sister). She’s been sober for a while which is just incredible. I was telling her how I’ve been feeling – sluggish, “off” for a day afterwards, sick, dehydrated, etc. Mind you, I’ve been hungover (who hasn’t?) & this isn’t like that. This is more like the alcohol itself isn’t sitting with me, physically or mentally.
I haven’t quite figuring it out what the issue is. Is it what I’m drinking (whiskey vs White Claws, i.e.)? Is it the amount? Is it my mental state? I don’t drink to get blackout drunk but I do use alcohol to mask my feelings. Feeling shitty? Have a drink or two to loosen up. Feeling insecure? Have a drink or two to feel confident. And so on & so on.
This isn’t a “this is against my religion” because I’m Jewish & we drink wine every week for Shabbat, or during Pesach, for sure. This isn’t a feeling of being “out of control” because both my therapists are aware of how frequently I drink (which is like maybe twice a month?) & given my mental health, they said I’m fine.
I haven’t quite put my finger on it but there’s something about using alcohol to “help” me that I don’t like. Then the fact that I’m feeling out of sorts the next day, regardless of what I’m drinking, is just gravy.
A few weeks ago, I decided it was time for me to cut back. I’m a rule follower & I decided if I set up some personal rules, it would help me out. Just to clarify, these are MY rules which are working for ME as of RIGHT NOW. If I change these in a month, don’t @ me. 😉 I’m trying to find my boundaries & to see what works best for me & my situation. You do you.
I love Old Fashioneds at my favorite bar. Everyone else’s I’ve tried doesn’t match what they do. Ergo…
RULE 1: I’ll only drink Old Fashioneds with MB when we go to our bar.
Because we’re still in a pandemic (ugh), it’s not gonna be anytime soon. But there’s no need for me to keep going elsewhere when I have a favorite drink at my favorite spot with one of my favorite people. I never feel bad about drinking & hanging out with MB. She’s a goddess & we have a great time in our serious discussions about society or if she’s Team Edward or Team Jacob. 😉
RULE 2: My drink limit is dropping from 4 to 2. This includes shots. I could probably make this 1 drink but I’m trying to be realistic. 🙂
I do enjoy having a drink or two with friends & I know I’m not mentally ready to go full stop. And that’s okay.
So, like I said, this is something I’ve been thinking about for about a month. Since that time, I’ve been given 4 different bottles of alcohol. I get it. It’s the holidays, it’s an easy gift, & so on. I’m trying really hard not to take it personally but I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt my feelings. There’s more to me than that, y’know? Again, I know that’s not their intention at all. This is just how my mind works. I start thinking people are viewing me as a lush.
I think this is good for me. It forces me to deal with my own shit & to stop using alcohol as a crutch. As always, I’ll keep you updated. Wish me luck.