I know I’ve mentioned this before but it’s weighing on my mind today…
I’m so done with waiting and waiting and waiting for people to get their shit together. I realized today that while waiting for a change that will never happen, I’m putting my life on hold. Why do I do that? Why can’t I move on? Why am I stuck in relationship limbo?
It’s like this drive in me to walk with them, to hold their hand through life so they’re not alone. But you know what? As much as they claim they want to walk together, there’s been no action on their part. Just empty promises. And for me, it’s particularly painful. Not just because it’s rejection but also because I’m flooded with memories of being put off repeatedly by loved ones. What is it about me that says you can treat me like shit & I’ll be okay?
I’m not at a crying stage. I would’ve been had this happened 20 or so years ago. Shit, maybe even a few years ago. But now I’m at the “silent & walking away” stage. You can only blow me off so many times before I give up. I’d love to say that I’m always here but the reality of the situation is that I’m being taken advantage of so that needs to change. Because I’m always around, it’s okay to cancel plans, to forget about me, & to do something else you’d rather do. You can have every good intention in the world but what’s your execution like? I’m all for pulling back & taking care of your own needs first but when it happens repeatedly, this isn’t self-care. This is you being an asshole.
What gets me is that the ones who keep treating me like this are the ones who don’t flake on other areas in their lives. Blow me off at the last minute but show up to work early? Yep. Make plans 6 months out with other friends but can’t plan anything with me? Check. I really don’t get it but I’m tired of waiting around & hoping they’ll finally figure it out. They’re all in therapy so maybe they can talk to their therapists about it & see what’s going on.
As for me, I’m gonna start to move on. I know me. It’s a long & painful process. Gotta throw my walls back up & protect myself. They all promised to be different. They promised they’ll be around. They promised to care for me. Just more shallow words to appease me & to make them feel like they did their good deed of the day…
Sigh. This is why I don’t let anybody in. It’s not worth the heartache. Especially when they couldn’t care less.
Side note: On top of all of this, I just heard that someone I looked up to passed away this morning. He might have been 15 years older than me & that’s it. He leaves behind 5 kids. Ugh. My heart breaks for them.