Building walls

Disclaimer: I’m sure somebody will read this & want to reach out. Please don’t. I’m not looking for a handout or pity friends. I’m done with that. I’m working through some heartache & this is how I’m doing it.

I’ve spent most of the day isolating myself from friends & loved ones. I need space & time to think, & if I’m being honest, to be missed. Maybe I’m too accessible. If I stepped back & others had to make an effort, would that be better? It’s funny to me how all of these people came out of the woodwork when I was very suicidal. But now that I’m not on the edge? Bupkis. They pulled me from the brink but left me here to rot. What good is that? Is a slow death better than a quick one?

I went through my FB friends & cut around 20% out. I restricted a chunk (about half) as well & created new friends lists. Not to be petty but to protect me. I’m done being hurt & being disappointed. And depending on how this change goes, I might ax those as well.

I know what Dr. G would say. She wouldn’t approve of my “all or nothing” ways. She’d want me to find a healthy way of dealing with rejection. Sorry, Dr. G, but when I have chills & I’m emptying out & my heart hurts, I’m gonna do me. I have made progress with her. I don’t wanna cut or eat or drink. I want to pull completely back.

I grew up with a very quiet, solitary childhood. I had YEARS where it was just me & my stuffed animals. I can do it again if need be… Sans stuffed animals, of course. 😉 I used that time to focus on me. I would read, work on choreography, experiment with makeup, organize & reorganize my room, exercise, whatever. Anything to pass the time. Much like a prisoner, I only left my room to eat or when the guards (my parents) made me. Sometimes I still think about those days when I was curled up in my cold, seafoam green sheets & just staring at my Orion I created on my ceiling via glow-in-the-dark stars.

My apologies for sounding like a pity party. I don’t feel sorry for myself so neither should you. My point is that I can do it again. I can isolate myself & put all of my extra attention (that I was clearly wasting on others) back on me. At least if I let myself down, I know why & I’m quick to forgive myself & move on (See? Progress!). Others? Not so much.  I mean, I’m quick to forgive & look where that’s gotten me. I’m alone & they’re off with others or in their own world completely oblivious. I’m sure I haven’t even crossed their mind. I’m the only one suffering here. And if I can prevent that from happening, I should do that.

So this is me creating walls all around me. Again, I’m aware that this isn’t extremely healthy but this is how I’m coping. I’m gonna start with this “lower” level & build up from there. A part of me wants to say “FUCK IT!” & go live in the mountains or something but I’m sure Dr. G wouldn’t approve. 😉


And this because I am so Buttercup

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