All in

I’m an “All or Nothing” woman. Basically, that means I either go balls to the wall or I say, “fuck it” & walk away. It’s the way I’m wired & I’ve noticed it in every important area of my life. Take relationships for example. I will be 100% dedicated to you & your vision for life. I’ll be your number one cheerleader, cry with you, laugh with you, cherish you. But once I’m done, I’m done. It’s hard for me to go back to that level of commitment. Especially once trust has been broken.

I was talking with a close friend about my physical health. Why is it so difficult for me to pursue healthy habits? Like abnormally difficult. Obstacles galore & such. A tiny light bulb went off inside of me – it’s because I haven’t been giving my all. I half-ass it which becomes “no-ass” in a short amount of time. Why is it that I was so easily focused on my physical health when my mental health started to drastically decline? To keep myself distracted, I shifted my concern away from my mental wellbeing & I became obsessed with staying active. I went all or nothing. Now, obviously, that wasn’t healthy either but it’s a pattern I at least recognize. And knowing is half the battle. Go Joe! 😉

I feel like my mental health is under control. Yes, I have shitty days when I want to cut & end it all but I haven’t had one of those in a long time. The panic attacks I’ve had haven’t been intense & are few & far between. Essentially, I’m at my best mentally. 🙂 I feel like I can start shifting my attention to other areas of my life.

Because I’m sure I haven’t told you, I put everything on hold for just over a year to get myself mentally stable. I canceled plans, said “no” to others, & cried myself to sleep a lot. There were a lot of days when no one called, texted, or checked up on me. Not that I need that much human contact but just to paint you a picture of how alone I really was. There were times when I dumped a bottle of pills in my hand & just stared at it. So yeah. You never know what others are going through. Fucking reach out!

Anyway, I know I’m through the worst of it & I’m out on the other side. My fresh wounds & broken bones have become scarred or have healed completely. I’m apprehensive about stepping back out into the real world but here I am. One baby step at a time, right?

And so this baby step is my physical health. I’m leaving the other issues on the shelf for now & going all in physically. I have an awesome gym membership I haven’t utilized in a while, Therabands that are collecting dust, & pants that are too tight. Sigh, it’s time.

I realize just confessing this to you is making me crazy embarrassed & ashamed. I’m being insanely open to you & I hope that you’ll understand & support my decision. Life happens, I get it. Just know that this is a huge step for me even if it looks like a baby step to you. I might fail. In fact, I probably will. Failure is familiar & comfortable to me. Success is scary & unknown. What if I achieve my goals? Then what? What will push me forward? Yeah, it’s scary as fuck. It’s painful & difficult for me but it’s time. I’m going all in & seeing what happens.

Wish me luck.