Saying goodbye

I’ve been thinking lately about people from my past. Old friends who’ve moved away or we’ve naturally drifted apart after graduation or when jobs end. Toxic “friends” I had to keep away for my own health (& my therapist agrees). Everything from big blow-outs over a significant other to walking away with no response.

What happened to clean-cut, dry endings? Or some hugs & tears?

Where is my goodbye?

Maybe the only goodbye I’m gonna get is the one I give. Maybe this is the release that I’ve been looking for. Maybe this is why I keep thinking about them. Like I need to fully let them go? I don’t know. But I’m gonna give it a shot:

To MM, MH, BP, SL, DW, EM, HC, & so many others – I understand you felt guilty in your relationship because we were friends & you felt like that wasn’t fair to your wife/girlfriend. I’m sorry you were put into an awkward position (me or her) where neither one of us wins. I’m not upset with you. Really. I get it. I hope one day your wife/girlfriend will come to her senses & realize I’m not a threat. You’ve told me this isn’t “goodbye” but that I needed to just step back for a while & I can respect that. Send me a line when things are good with you two again. In fact, tell her I’ll talk to her as well if it helps. I’ll be here. Until then, know that I think of you & miss you fondly. ❤

To CM & JS – I’m sorry things didn’t end how either of us wanted it to. I don’t think you’re in a healthy relationship & I wanted you to see that as well. I know now that it’s not my decision nor is it my responsibility to “save” others. This is your life & I hope you’re happy. There’s a lot of toxicity in our history & I have no interest in reconciling. That doesn’t mean I hate you or your husband; I don’t. But my standards have changed & I can’t go back. If I did, it wouldn’t be the same & it wouldn’t last. I wish you well & I hope you both are very happy & fulfilled. Goodbye.

To MS – When an animal is cornered, they attack either out of fear or for their own safety. I understand when the truth came out, you felt cornered & so you attacked me. We both know I’m not to blame. I didn’t get you pregnant. 😉 Good or bad, we all face the consequences of our own actions. But you needed to lash out for your own protection & because you were afraid to be a single mom. I’m not sure why it fell on me when I wasn’t involved nor do I understand why you’ve badmouthed me to anyone who will listen in an attempt to destroy my career. I understand you’re hurt & upset. I’m sure this isn’t the life you had planned. I hope you speak with a professional who can help you channel your frustrations into more healthy coping mechanisms versus dumping them on your friends to make yourself look good. Goodbye.

To my old friends at CCHS & college – Hey guys. 🙂 Like you, I’ve changed a lot from who I was 20+ years ago. Please know that a lot has changed & if you’re looking for “HS SC,” you’re gonna be disappointed. I honestly can’t remember a lot of that time of my life (the mind works hard to protect itself) but I’m sure there are times when I was a real dick. I sincerely apologize. It’s never been my heart to harm anyone. If there is something specific I have said or done, please let me know so we can talk about it & so I can give you closure. And to those who want to be adult friends, I’m open to learn about you & support you. Send me a line & let’s go from there. However, there are others I can’t be friends with because of bullying (& you know who you are). I forgive you, you’re free, vaya con Dios – but what’s done is done. I hope you can understand & work hard to correct that unhealthy behavior. Goodbye.

To the members & clergy at “X Church” – Your pride will be your downfall. My heart breaks to know how you’re still treating hurting people like a disease. Occasionally, I think of you & look you up to see if anything’s changed in the last 4-5 years. If anything, you’ve become more hateful, more stubborn, more cultish. I’ve watched members of my own family turn their nose up at me because I’m Jewish versus Christian. I’ve watched you repeatedly use manipulation & judgment to get money from struggling families. If I could shut you down, I would. But I can’t. All I can do is walk away & hope others will see the hypocrisy. Goodbye.

To TP, KM, & BG – I get it. I wasn’t the “cool kid” in your group. I was more like the younger sister you couldn’t get rid of. Five or so years ago, that would’ve killed me. But now? I’m fine. I don’t ever want to be a part of your group. I say this with no bitterness: you’re some of the most clique-ish, backstabbing “Christians” I’ve ever met. The three of you constantly talk bad about each other behind their back & be like, “I love you!” to your faces. Thank you for being a “plastic” & showing me how not to treat others. I hope you realize that catty behavior isn’t healthy. Goodbye.

I’m sure I’ll think of more as I continue but at least this part is done.

Ugh. Such a mess.

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