Waiting…

Feeling low today, so as you know, I’m gonna work on getting all of this out to help me deal.

I’m so fucking tired of being told to wait. To hold on. To have some patience. No more. When is it going to be my time? Am I not worthy of attention?

I get working through shit and that you may not be up to snuff yet. I have no problem with that. Take a few days & sort it out. I have a problem of being put on hold for an extended amount of time with no end in sight.

I feel like a backup. While those words have never been uttered, it’s exactly how I feel. Because I’m loyal & available doesn’t mean I deserve to be treated like my feelings don’t matter. Yes, it hurts when people claim to be friends but are gone the second everything in their life is peachy keen. But once they need something, then I’ll hear from them.

Regardless of someone is on cloud nine or if they’re in the trenches, I’m asked to wait it out. I guess I’m supposed to wait until I’m needed again.

I’m completely tapped out. My soul is cracked & dry with my tears being my only source of water. I’m so tired of fighting to be seen & heard. I feel like I’m in this friendship desert & I’m dying of thirst.

I’m not a fucking vending machine. I’m not a relationship counselor. I’m not a mediator. I am a strong woman with hopes and dreams and who just wants to be treated with some goddamn respect.

If I’m that important, treat me as such. “SC, you’re such a good friend!” When’s the last time you asked how I was doing? When’s the last time you held me while I cried? When’s the last time we got together & laughed? Do you even know what I’m going through or is this the first time you’re actually listening? And if it is, that says a lot more about you than about me. If I am such a good friend, then why do I feel alone?

This is not an invitation to have my phone suddenly blow up. What’s done is done. You know if you fucked up. Use this opportunity to do some inner work & to think about how your actions affect other people.