Hopeless

Once again, I’m feeling really low so I’m just working through things.

Sigh…

I don’t know where to begin. It’s all kinda rough but I’ll do my best to explain how I feel.

I’m very depressed & feeling very hopeless. I’m in bed & I keep staring at the thick, black belt that’s hanging over my closet door. I spent all day & all night in bed as well. I’ve been crying nonstop for the last day or two. It’s exhausting but I can’t seem to stop.

“I thought you were doing better. What happened?”

Someone I deeply admire, respect, & love told me something extremely painful – “Your best isn’t good enough.”

Even typing that hurts. Fuck.

This person knows this is the same bullshit my parents used against me. They know those deep memories. That’s why it burns so much.

It’s like I can’t escape that mentality. I’m trying so goddamn hard to do what’s right. Obviously, so much to the point that it’s caused an episode. Only to be told it’s not good enough. I feel like I’ve come full circle, back to my childhood.

The fight-or-flight in me doesn’t have the drive anymore to stand up for myself. I feel like I’m just letting everyone down. I feel like Jackson Maine in “A Star is Born.” If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about. Side note: this song is in my head now.

I’m taking a sabbatical from Facebook. I can’t seem to log on without getting hurt or reminded that I’m not worthy. Maybe I’ll take MM’s advice & just deactivate my account. I don’t know yet. I did post a notice that I’m taking a breather & for anyone to message me if they need me. No shocker – nobody’s said a word. Sigh. I guess I’m not really needed anymore…

I will probably be blogging more as I need to continue working this out. I’m not really on any other platform so you can catch me here, I guess.

I feel very alone. Isolated, really. Once again, my circle of trust has dwindled down. I’m tired of giving my heart to others & to be left picking up the pieces while they walk away with the best parts of me. I don’t know what to do with these pieces. Maybe I’ll just let the wind scatter them & be done.

I’m tired of being told I’m not good enough. Maybe they’re right…

Staying on the A Star is Born theme…

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