Yesterday at therapy, Dr. G challenged me to turn negative thoughts about myself into positive ones. And if positive was too far-fetched, I should work on making them neutral. Being completely honest, I have yet to make anything positive. My mind is still completely in a fog & I feel disconnected from all other emotions, from myself, really. To put it bluntly, I feel very isolated & alone.
Changing from negative to positive is really difficult right now. I’m still dealing with, as Dr. G calls it, “suicidal ideation.” How the fuck do you put a positive spin on that? 😉 I honestly don’t how to do it without feeling completely artificial or that it’s a waste of time. However, I am feeling more logical lately so maybe I can just list the facts & go from there. It’s a start, right?
So here’s how my day is going so far:
- I decided to just focus on my FB friends. I don’t want to intrude on anyone’s day so I made a simple post that said, “Like this post & I’ll comment what I admire about you.” People need to know they’re loved. I can’t stress that enough.
- About a year or so ago, I sent everyone one of my FB a personalized message. I only heard back from a few & that stung. It’s probably my fault for having high expectations. I wasn’t expecting them to be like, “OMG! THANK YOU!” but a simple acknowledgment would be great. No wonder I feel alone. 😦
- So far, I’ve had like 5-6 people like it which is surprising to me. Are they too busy in their day to hear about what I appreciate about them? Do they not care? If I had posted a ridiculous meme, that would blow up. Is it because it’s a more serious topic? I don’t know.
- I feel like I’m saying goodbye to them. I’m not quite sure how to feel about that. Like it’s oddly a relief?
- I have several friends who have sent me little messages throughout the day to encourage me that they love me, need me, appreciate me. In the midst of drowning, those messages are like a little bubble of air. I quickly gasp it in & use it to hold on for as long as I can. I wish they knew how vital they are to me. I crave to hear from them.
- So in my effort to be neutral or positive, I’m trying to be honest with them & others today. It doesn’t necessarily push the negativity away but it does cause me to look for the good.
- I had a horrible nightmare last night. My SO & I were fighting. We were in the back of a car & heading to a bonfire at some friend’s house. During the car ride, he told me he was going to move in with this other woman. I was crushed. I sat there stunned, unable to move, unable to breathe. I think I cried a tear or two but that was it. When we got to the bonfire, it turned out to be an old crush of mine’s house. Feeling vindictive, I was flirting hardcore with Crush. Like hands all over his body, tongue in his ear. Nowhere was off-limits. My SO couldn’t care less. No, instead, they were “happy” for me. We were supposed to have a big meal together & I ran off & cried. My love didn’t save him. I tried being petty & making him jealous & that didn’t work. I was left all alone in the cold, dark woods. He never came after me. He was over me. 😦
- That was fun, right? My only positive is that it was just a dream. Unfortunately, it felt real so it’s been fucking with my head all day. I took a Klonopin about 2 hours ago to help. I’m also listening to some soothing instrumental music to help ease my soul.
- Today marks a month. A solid fucking month of this. How much more do I have to endure? I feel numb to it now. My days blend together & I schlep through the day. I just want the pain to stop. One way or another, God, make it stop.