Striking out

Today’s been one of those days. One of those, “I wonder what else can get completely fucked up?”

I started today off right. Or at least I tried. I went to a consultation for a little self-care & got that set up starting tomorrow. I picked up a few goodies for a loved one “just because.” I dropped them off thinking I could spend some quality time before the day got too busy…

And that’s about where it stopped today.

  • Loved One is super fucking stressed over work so I felt a little glossed over. I know. It’s the meds. I’m really trying hard to not read into everything & to be supportive. There’s no “end date” so who knows how long this will last.
  • Boss #1 ripped me a new asshole for one very minor mistake (something that isn’t even my job) while completely ignoring the drugged fucko I work with & all of his mistakes. I have no wiggle room & I’m just about fed up with it. I wrote back an email & I kinda snapped. Hopefully, I’ll still have my job. I might need to take a sabbatical. We’ll see.
  • I’ve dealt with several assholes on the phone today for work. And I’m just over it. Don’t be pissed at me because you’re late on your bill. How the fuck is that my fault?
  • I’m still behind on all this other shit I need to do around the house. That’s stressing me out as well.
  • SD made a side comment that really dug at me. I’m trying to take it in stride but it stung. I don’t like the reality of the situation & I’m doing everything I can to change it. And again, meds. I know it’s affecting me & causing me to be more sensitive.

Much like A-Rod here, I think I hit my “fuck it” level for today. I can’t seem to do anything right despite my intentions. I’ve tried to schedule get-togethers & it’s fallen flat. I’ve tried to talk it out & I’m being told to wait. I’ve been rocking a 10 on the stress level for the past month & no one seems concerned. And why would they? I get it. They’re all in their own world.

Meanwhile, I feel invisible & like I’m fading away. I don’t know what else to do. I’m trying to make future plans, to give me some kind of hope. But again, it falls flat. Like it’s not destined to happen or something. I’m being shot down repeatedly. I’m stuck between “giving up” & “pursuing what I want.” It’s a fun hell to be in.

I just need a small sign. Something that tells me that I matter. Something that tells me I’m important, valued, loved. Everyone is so wrapped up in their world that they can’t see me. And how could they? I’m fading fast…

Maybe I should just fade away & see what happens. Probably nothing, right?

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