♪ Hello, darkness, my old friend… ♪

“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, ‘There now, hang on, you’ll get over it.’ Sadness is more or less like a head cold – with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.” ― Barbara Kingsolver, The Bean Trees

I love this quote. I think it paints an accurate picture of what this hell is like. I want to smack the people who tell me to “hang on” or “push through.” No. Fuck you. It doesn’t work like that. You don’t tell a diabetic that they’re over exaggerating. You don’t tell a paraplegic that they need to get up & get moving. So why do we do that with mental health? “It’s all in your head.” Well, no shit, Sherlock. Where else would it be? It’s a chemical disorder that mentally & emotionally paralyzes me. I am weak & I collapse under its weight. Life ceases to have meaning & I feel like an inconvenience for others. So, until this phase moves on, I try to keep it together. I fail a lot but I’m still here. And to me, that’s still a success.

Music instantly helps me so I’m listening to my “low mix” at the moment. It’s a slower mix from 90s, 00s, & 10s that speak to me. Sometimes I have to stop to cry; sometimes I have to “scream-sing” with them. Regardless, I feel like I can relate to the lyrics & on some level, I don’t feel so alone. And it’s crazy. I know I’m not alone. I know I have friends & family. I know I have you guys. But here in my abysmal mind? It’s just me & the silence is deafening.