Bad day

Today was bad. Really bad.

It was a low day to begin with. As anyone with depression can tell you, sometimes you can catch it & see it coming but not always. Sometimes you go to bed thinking you’re gonna wake up & be crazy productive. But then depression is like, “Nah, fam” & you’re in your own personal hell for God knows how long. Hence my second post of today. I’m gonna see if it helps pull me out of this funk any sooner. No promises but it’s worth a shot.

Disclaimer: This is me being real. I’m not gonna sugar coat how I feel & neither should you. 

All day long, I’ve felt worthless, forgotten, pushed aside. I had a stupid fight with my best friend. I’ve been overreacting & in my head regarding another friend, who I’m convinced thinks I’m a fucking loon. My back has been in spasm all day so I’m on heavy duty meds just so I can function. I’ve been crying on and off nonstop. I feel overwhelmed by the smallest things.

I can’t do this anymore. I just want it to stop.

I’ve been so tempted to cut today. But I didn’t want to let any of you down so I didn’t. I don’t want you to think of me as some hypocrite. Yes, I struggle. A lot.

Yes, I’m on medication. But here’s something funny about medication that they don’t tell you – it just takes the edge off. The darkness is still there. The pain is still there. The suicidal thoughts are still there. The demons take a step back but they’re still there.

I’m trying to convince myself that it’s just a bad day. Tomorrow will be better. But will it? Or will it be more of the same? No one knows. And it’s the fear of being stuck that scares me. How long will it last this time?

I tried. I swear to God, I tried. I ate really clean, no alcohol, & I was at the gym for about 1.5 hours tonight. I pushed hard. I tried my best to channel my frustration into my workout. I still cried when I got back into my car.

I can’t live like this. No one can. I used to think people who commit suicide were selfish. I know better now. They’re not. They do it because they feel trapped. While I don’t feel that way tonight, I will say my heart feels heavy & rejected.

I feel like a burden to others. Do they get tired of me? Do they wish I could snap out of it? Do they really understand how powerless I feel? It’s times like these when I want to hermit away. I’m done bothering others. They can seek me out if they need me. I’ll be here in my bed, silently weeping onto my pillow.