finding my truth

OMGGGG… I’m so tired of being stressed the fuck out & feeling useless in life. Let me explain.

I love my job. Really. But I’ve gone through some changes that pretty much started about 4 months ago. I went from a team with a manager with severe ADHD & zero communication to moving to a new team with a manager who I’m pretty sure is on the spectrum & is constantly correcting me. Being critiqued every day is exhausting. I’m in accounting & my therapist wants me to pursue my CPA. But then I feel so fucking stupid at work, like I’m in the wrong field. I’m still not convinced that I’m not. For two full months, I had broken out in hives every day. That can’t be good.

Add to that, I’ve tried multiple times with multiple people to schedule get togethers. Every single one of them has flaked out or left me on read. Every. Single. One. I might see a friend tonight, but they’ve been quiet so I’m not hopeful. I don’t know what it is about me, but holy fuck, you guys. It hurts. If I’m doing something wrong, I don’t know what it is.

How have I coped with all of this lately? Binge eating. Yep. Gained back the weight I had lost.

So socially, I’m struggling. Professionally, I’m struggling. Physically, I’m struggling. Mentally, I’m struggling. It’s 1730 & I’ve stayed in bed almost all day. I’ve been right on the edge of crying, but nothing. It’s like I don’t have the energy to cry. Does that make sense? Or maybe that’s just my meds working. Who knows.

I decided to stop reaching out to anyone. It’s not worth it anymore. I clearly care more than others & I’m just getting hurt. As much as they claim they love me & miss me, they don’t. They make excuses, they go quiet, they cancel as I walking out the door, they forget they made plans with me, with no remorse for how this affects me. They’re in their own world, but I’m expected to be understanding while they don’t change their hurtful behavior. I deserve better, but right now, it’s very lonesome.

I realize not everyone has my heart, but I feel like I’m just in a different direction from anyone else. I can either go back to who I was, change everything I love about myself, but make others happy & have friends. Or I can be me, & I’m happy, but I’m alone.

I got off of social media back in January. Once the Orange Dictator came into office, I backed off. It stresses me out so much & I’m genuinely afraid of what the future holds. Here’s the kicker – I’ve told others to reach out. I’m still here even if I’m not on Facebook or whatever. And bupkis.

So yeah. Being critiqued all day at work & then being ignored by “friends” when it’s the weekend. No wonder my mental health has taken a hit.

I’ve felt a little suicidal today. Just in a sense of, “These motherfuckers wouldn’t even notice if I was gone.” There are those I stopped reaching out first & I haven’t talked to them in 5-10 years. Which, to me, tells me that I was the only one who cared. I have no idea how I find these people or how I attract them but I’m over it.

And if one more person uses their mental or physical health as an excuse, I will scream in their face a la Leslie Jones. You don’t use that excuse at work with your boss, your partner, your family, so don’t use it with me. Be better.

So yeah. I’ve been better but not today. I’m not following up with the people I made plans with for tonight. I think I’m gonna take a bath, watch some murder show, & just be alone. If they reach out & say they’re on their way, I’ll meet up with them. But I’m not holding my breath.

Like I said, this has been the standard for the last few months & I’m beyond frustrated. Somehow, I’m just missing the mark & I don’t know how. You know that feeling when you walk into a room & everyone is quiet so you think they were talking about you? It’s like that. Every day.

I feel misunderstood, unheard, & ignored. I know someone who right now is isolating & shutting out everyone while they’re going through shit. And honestly, that’s not a bad idea. Maybe I’m too accessible & I’m being taken advantage of.

I don’t know. I’ll think it over in the shower.