finding my truth

So remember how I mentioned that I’ve been frustrated with work? It’s still there but after about 3-4 months of being bitched at every day, it finally dwindled down. I think what did it was Boss made a snide comment & I snapped back. I wasn’t rude but I was direct. She had a shocked look on her face & since then, she’s backed way down. I don’t know if she was looking to see where my line is & how far she could push me but she’s on my list. Who does that? That’s fucked up.

I met with my therapist & told her all about Boss. I told her about how it has cut me deep, made me angry, & made me seriously question my career. Maybe Boss is right. Maybe I’m a fuck up.

Therapist was quick to jump on that & said with a chuckle, “Well, she clearly doesn’t know you at all.” And she’s right. Boss has only known me for a few months & thinks she has me all figured out. Meanwhile, Therapist is saying, “Look, I know you. And she’s wrong.”

Therapist also pointed out, “This sounds like it was a serious trigger for you.” And my dumbass is like, “Really? How so?”

“Well, given your childhood trauma & experience with authority figures critiquing you day after day & manipulating you to fit into their box. As a child, you felt angry because you couldn’t speak up for yourself. Now, as an adult, you’re finding it hard to defend yourself, which is leading you to feel angry, guilty, & question if Boss is right.”

Ho. Ly. Shiiiit.

She’s absolutely right. This is a trigger for me. I know my generation (Millennials) like to throw that term around a lot, but here was a real life example of it. Feeling attacked & being unable to defend myself out of fear of “being in trouble” (or written up or whatever) caused me to quickly stuff it down. But years & years of doing that plus working through shit in therapy leads to it overflowing fairly quickly. It shows up as impatience, anger, & sometimes crying. Worst part is that I lash out at the ones I love. Real healthy like lol.

So what am I doing? How am I growing from this?

Honestly, I’m working through it. Thankfully, I have PLENTY of opportunities at work. I’m remembering what Therapist has said, like, “This sounds like she’s projecting her own insecurities onto you. You’re a strong woman. And that can be intimidating & threatening to someone who is insecure. She has a very lonely life & is taking it out on you. This isn’t you.”

I’m reminding myself that I am one person, complete with my own strengths & weaknesses. I can’t do everything to please Boss, because she will never be pleased. My work speaks for itself. I am valued, I am loved, & I’m allowed to take up space.

Do I fail? Absolutely. But it’s not fair to myself or to my love ones to take it out on me or them. We learn the lesson & we move forward. No need to circle around the mountain again, right?

I also told Therapist I’m doing “grey rock” & she wholeheartedly agreed that was the best method. So if you have an insecure boss who is projecting onto you, I highly recommend it. Therapist approved. 😉