Huh.

A few weeks ago, I was watching a video about OCD. They made a small side comment about OCPD. I hadn’t heard of it before so I researched it a bit & sent it to my friend to get their opinion. Their response? “Yeah, that pretty much sounds like you.”

Wait, what?

I thumbed through it again as my mind was racing. How could I have not seen it? Not just now but my whole life! Since then, it’s been playing over & over in my head. And, no, the irony isn’t lost on me. 😉 I immediately thought of different instances during my childhood when I was deeply disturbed over something that changed or something out of my control. My parents & older brother didn’t understand, couldn’t understand. I was just “being difficult” & I need to “get over it.” I wasn’t like them. I’m still not like them.

And then there’s this part of me that wonders if it’s truly OCPD or if it’s my personality type. I’ve very Type A & I think there are a lot of traits that are mirrored with OCPD. For example, I live & die by my daily to-do lists. If I don’t have it, I feel completely out of control. I aimlessly float through the day & it sinks me into a depressive episode. Is it normal for other Type As or is that just me?

And while I don’t hit every point on this very limited list, I hit enough to make me hyper-aware of it.

(comic drawn by Julie Ha)

obsessive compulsive

Brown baggin’ it

I’m part of a private Facebook group for saving money. It’s connected to an amazing blog. I guest posted on this blog for a year about my journey to knock out debt. I’m almost through everything (which I count as personal loans, credit cards, medical payments, etc) except for my student loans. I’m really, REALLY close to being done. Thank God.

Anyway, I saw another member wrote how she meal planned her lunch & she hasn’t gone out for lunch in 3 weeks! Wow! I was really inspired. I probably go out for lunch 2-3 times a week. It’s never anything extravagant ($15 maybe?) but I know it’ll add up. $15 x 3 meals x 4 weeks = $180. $180 is a nice dent so I’m gonna do it.

I started yesterday & I’m gonna go until August 9th. I do have a few exceptions to my challenge:
– I’m heading out of the town at the end of the month so I’ll put it on hold during that time until I come back.
– Occasionally, I’ll have lunch with a friend. I know she looks forward to it as well & I don’t want to take that away from her. I’m not gonna punish her for my challenge if that makes sense. During this time, we might meet twice. I can do that.

I encourage you to join me as well. Let me know how much you save! 🙂

 

Coming back stronger

I have a wonderful hanging plant I’ve affectionately named *Audrey. When she blooms, she perfumes the air with her beautiful citrus-scented flowers. As you can tell, it makes me very happy. So you can imagine my disdain when she all but died over recital weekend (exactly one month ago). It was extremely hot out & I wasn’t home to give her extra water. And it showed. She shriveled up & turned brown. I was devastated. She was almost gone.

I spent some time pulling out the dead parts. I had to remove all but her roots. I’ve been faithfully watering her every day (sometimes twice a day) to bring life back to her. I’m happy to report that she’s growing back! No blossoms yet but she’s very green & I find new little shoots every day! Yay! Maybe I’ll post a picture when she starts to bloom so you can see her beauty.

I have a bird feeder & these birds like to sit next to Audrey & hang out. It’s all fun & games until I noticed they’ve been dropping their food into her soil. Within a few days, I’m finding random, light green leaves. So right before I water her, I’m spending a few moments pulling out these tiny sprouts from other various seeds. Obviously, they’re very shallow so it’s easy to rid her of them.

Today, I had a light bulb thought…

I realized how cultivating Audrey has been a metaphor for my life.

I’ve been left for dead, deserted, & discarded. Rather than showing my true colors, I’ve been withered, wilted, & wrung out. I had to break off all of my dead pieces in order to survive. When I was finished, it was just me & my roots. No leaves to shelter me from the storms. No flowers to soak up the warm sun. I was completely bare, exposed to the elements. I had nothing to give to others. When everyone else was growing up tall & blooming in their life, my roots went deeper into the soil. I was tempted to just end it all, but I opted for digging my heels in & focusing on healing myself. Slowly but surely, I’m coming back.

Others have claimed they tried to help. Like the birds, they’ve dropped their shallow advice into my life & have quickly flown away. I was something on their list they needed to check off, their “good deed” of the day. I was hurt by their unsympathetic actions & indifference. I learned to swiftly discard their callousness. I’m not going to let their half-ass attempts try to take credit for any growth in my life. I am determined to grow back stronger than before, even if I do it alone.

It’s been a long time. I’m sure others thought I was gone if they even gave me a second thought. But I’m still here. And as cliché as it sounds, this time around is different for me. I’m drawing up boundaries with others. I will not cultivate their insensitivity or wishy-washy behavior. I would rather spend the time removing people from my life versus growing with them. All they’re doing is stealing my hard-earned “nutrients”, my life blood, for their benefit. They are draining me of my precious commodities. They are shooting up fast all around me because their roots are shallow. When the storm comes, they’re nowhere to be found.

Looking at me, you might only see a few dark green leaves on small sprouts, but don’t let that fool you. You’ll notice immediately I’m different from the others. It may not look like much, but believe me, I’m here for the long haul.

* Get it? Little Shop of Horrors? I also have a plant named Robert….Robert Plant? Is this thing on? 😉 

EDIT: Here’s Audrey! 

Weight loss update – part 2

Ugh.

So I gained. A LOT. 3.8 lbs to be exact. How does one gain 4 lbs in a week? Well, you don’t go to the gym & then you eat your feelings for the past 2 days. So yeah. That’ll do it. Blecch.

I decided to give myself a weekly challenge & adjust as necessary to help me reach my goals (reminder: I wanna lose 35 lbs by my 35th).

This week’s challenge:

– No eating after 2100. I’ll be fine with tea or water.
– Hit the gym 3x this week
– Fix my sleep schedule. I’ve been having nightmares the past few nights. It’s messing with me too much.

All doable. Alright, wish me luck

Sitcoms & tea

I think I’ve been in my pajamas since 2100. I’ve been drinking tea on the couch, watching old seasons of “Two & a Half Men,” & laughing my ass off. This is a perfect Saturday evening for me. No agenda, no judgment, no concerns. God, I’ve missed this. 🙂

Watching TV

Blame it on my personality type but I’m not one to watch TV for hours on end. I really don’t get it. I feel like my time & energy could be used elsewhere. It used to bother me when my family would watch TV all night. Five hours sitting & staring at mindless bullshit to kill time. Meanwhile, I was doing my homework, going to dance class, hanging out with my friends, or whatever else. I would come home & they were still watching TV. Ugh. What a waste.

Even as an adult, I know people who literally watch “the idiot box” all day long. Doesn’t that get old? I can’t watch TV for 10 hours a day. I have no idea how they do it. I get antsy after 30 minutes. I need to get up & get moving. I need to do something productive with my life. Even when I’m having a low day or I’m feeling sick, I don’t want to watch TV all day.

Don’t get me wrong – I know there’s a difference between marathoning a show via Netflix & watching whatever crap is on. I’m not talking about powering through OITNB before the next season comes out. I mean literally waking up, sitting in front of the TV, & only moving to eat or go pee.

What kind of life is that? Doesn’t your brain feel like mush?

♪ Why can’t we be friends?! ♪

As far back as I can remember, I’ve had more guy friends versus girl friends. I’ve always found girls to be catty & vindictive. I don’t play their mind games & I don’t like the backhanded compliments. Of course, not all girls are like this, but I kept running into this issue over & over again. I’ve had one or two best friends who were girls. The rest were guys.

I grew up as the only girl in the neighborhood of boys. I’d play football, build a fort, pretend to be a superhero, & whatever else with them. I would play video games with them, kick their asses, & then go read some X-Men comics with them. I didn’t understand why they could take their shirts off in the summer & I couldn’t. I also didn’t appreciate when their parents told my friends to go “easy” on me “because I’m a girl.”

The girls friends I had dumped a bucket of water on me because it was late & I fell asleep. I still remember hearing their laughter. They also cut up the neighbor’s flowers & blamed me because I was too scared to speak up for myself. Those were the so-called “friends” I had. My guy friends just treated me like one of them. They would never dream of hurting me like that.

So yes. From an early age, I hated sexism. 😉

As I grew up, I learned my relationship with my friends suddenly changed. They were starting to date & branch out into relationships. It never bothered me. Like I said, I was one of the guys. But something changed.

Somehow, seemingly overnight, I became a threat to their latest girlfriend. The girls would spread rumors about me, shoot hate rays out of their eyes, & eventually give their boyfriends an ultimatum: me or her. No one won in this scenario. Either they chose their flavor of the week & dropped me, or they chose me & risked having their heart broken which was “my fault.” It was always ugly & painful.

Over the years, I learned that it must just be me. After being ditched by my guy friends repeatedly, I finally just stepped away whenever they dated someone new. It was, & still is, extremely painful. I felt betrayed all around.

The sad fact is I still deal with this shit. To this day.

Just the other day, I saw an old friend of mine. I said, “Hey!” & his wife was mean-mugging me the whole time. Calm down, woman. I’m not gonna steal him away. Just saying hi. Loosen up your grip on his balls.

While I was happy to see him, my heart was heavy & hurting. I had done NOTHING wrong. But the missus wasn’t having it. I made very light conversation, was extremely polite, & walked away. I wanted to crawl in a hole & cry. Why does this happen to me?

Oh, in case you were wondering, it doesn’t seem to matter if it’s a heterosexual couple or not. I’ve had a gay friend’s boyfriend not like me. For fuck’s sake. This is just getting ridiculous.

Why is it damn near impossible to have platonic relationships? Some of my old guy friends are happily married with kids. I’m not even a blip on their map. Doesn’t matter. If their significant other doesn’t like me for some reason, I’m pushed out.

And yet. People wonder why I have trust issues. Sigh. Wouldn’t you?

Happy 241st, America! 

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
“Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Emma Lazarus, The New Colossus