Weight loss update – part 3

Zero. I didn’t gain nor did I lose. Just maintained. Blecch.

I guess I should be happy that I didn’t gain but whatever. I still feel stagnant. I need to tighten up a few areas to get some results.

Last week’s goals:

– No eating after 2100
— Check!
– Hit the gym 3x this week
— I went twice. Try again
– Fix my sleep schedule
— Meh. Not quite. It’s still really rough.

Adding on:

– Drink 64 oz of water or tea
– Get my steps in. Starting with 5000.
– Eating clean 75% of the time

Here’s hoping this week works out better!

Lazy Saturday

Ahh…I spent a nice day at home. I cleaned the house & did some laundry like I always do every Saturday. But after that, I didn’t do much. I took care of a few small things around the house but I kept it easy. Like I showered but I didn’t wash my hair & kept it pulled up. I wore “schlubby” clothes & didn’t put on any makeup. It was really nice. I even took a little nap! It was fantastic & full of self-care. I ate whatever the fuck I wanted so I’m sure I’ll hate that in the morning for my weekly weigh-in. But for now? It was nice to not have an agenda & to just be. 🙂

11:11

By the power of 1-1-1-1 — I make my wish. Let it be done.

The first time I heard about this “magical number” (& the resulting chant) was when I was 16 or so. I was taking a friend from dance home, as she lived fairly close to my house. We were both sweaty & sore from class but still laughing & enjoying the cool Saturday morning. She stopped me suddenly & said, “It’s 11:11! Quick! Make a wish!” Umm, what? Why would I make a wish? “It’s 11:11! You have to if you want it to come true!”

She pulled herself together tightly, closed her eyes, & whispered her incantation. She was quiet for a moment before she popped up, smiled, & said, “I hope it comes true!” Dubious, I kept driving to her house. I dropped her off, waved goodbye, & thought about what just happened on my way home. Is that really true? Can a certain time make my wishes come true? As a little girl, I wished upon shooting stars but that seems more common & socially acceptable than a 60-second window. I’m not one for superstition but my interest was definitely piqued.

For the next several years, like any other high school girl, I would casually play this game. Much like MASH or a paper fortune teller, I thought it was just a fun thing to do. Since that day in my car, I’m impressed with how many people know about 11:11 & actively wish upon it. The people who are die-hard into it claim there’s a spiritual opening & cosmic powers are at work. I personally don’t understand how a certain time frame is susceptible to mystic forces.

If this is something you believe & participate in, please let me know. I’m always interested to hear others’ perspectives & to learn what they’re passionate about.

I realize just mentioning this may spark a Baader-Meinhof phenomenon where you start seeing 11:11 more frequently. Sorry? 😉

 

Huh.

A few weeks ago, I was watching a video about OCD. They made a small side comment about OCPD. I hadn’t heard of it before so I researched it a bit & sent it to my friend to get their opinion. Their response? “Yeah, that pretty much sounds like you.”

Wait, what?

I thumbed through it again as my mind was racing. How could I have not seen it? Not just now but my whole life! Since then, it’s been playing over & over in my head. And, no, the irony isn’t lost on me. 😉 I immediately thought of different instances during my childhood when I was deeply disturbed over something that changed or something out of my control. My parents & older brother didn’t understand, couldn’t understand. I was just “being difficult” & I need to “get over it.” I wasn’t like them. I’m still not like them.

And then there’s this part of me that wonders if it’s truly OCPD or if it’s my personality type. I’ve very Type A & I think there are a lot of traits that are mirrored with OCPD. For example, I live & die by my daily to-do lists. If I don’t have it, I feel completely out of control. I aimlessly float through the day & it sinks me into a depressive episode. Is it normal for other Type As or is that just me?

And while I don’t hit every point on this very limited list, I hit enough to make me hyper-aware of it.

(comic drawn by Julie Ha)

obsessive compulsive

Brown baggin’ it

I’m part of a private Facebook group for saving money. It’s connected to an amazing blog. I guest posted on this blog for a year about my journey to knock out debt. I’m almost through everything (which I count as personal loans, credit cards, medical payments, etc) except for my student loans. I’m really, REALLY close to being done. Thank God.

Anyway, I saw another member wrote how she meal planned her lunch & she hasn’t gone out for lunch in 3 weeks! Wow! I was really inspired. I probably go out for lunch 2-3 times a week. It’s never anything extravagant ($15 maybe?) but I know it’ll add up. $15 x 3 meals x 4 weeks = $180. $180 is a nice dent so I’m gonna do it.

I started yesterday & I’m gonna go until August 9th. I do have a few exceptions to my challenge:
– I’m heading out of the town at the end of the month so I’ll put it on hold during that time until I come back.
– Occasionally, I’ll have lunch with a friend. I know she looks forward to it as well & I don’t want to take that away from her. I’m not gonna punish her for my challenge if that makes sense. During this time, we might meet twice. I can do that.

I encourage you to join me as well. Let me know how much you save! 🙂

 

Coming back stronger

I have a wonderful hanging plant I’ve affectionately named *Audrey. When she blooms, she perfumes the air with her beautiful citrus-scented flowers. As you can tell, it makes me very happy. So you can imagine my disdain when she all but died over recital weekend (exactly one month ago). It was extremely hot out & I wasn’t home to give her extra water. And it showed. She shriveled up & turned brown. I was devastated. She was almost gone.

I spent some time pulling out the dead parts. I had to remove all but her roots. I’ve been faithfully watering her every day (sometimes twice a day) to bring life back to her. I’m happy to report that she’s growing back! No blossoms yet but she’s very green & I find new little shoots every day! Yay! Maybe I’ll post a picture when she starts to bloom so you can see her beauty.

I have a bird feeder & these birds like to sit next to Audrey & hang out. It’s all fun & games until I noticed they’ve been dropping their food into her soil. Within a few days, I’m finding random, light green leaves. So right before I water her, I’m spending a few moments pulling out these tiny sprouts from other various seeds. Obviously, they’re very shallow so it’s easy to rid her of them.

Today, I had a light bulb thought…

I realized how cultivating Audrey has been a metaphor for my life.

I’ve been left for dead, deserted, & discarded. Rather than showing my true colors, I’ve been withered, wilted, & wrung out. I had to break off all of my dead pieces in order to survive. When I was finished, it was just me & my roots. No leaves to shelter me from the storms. No flowers to soak up the warm sun. I was completely bare, exposed to the elements. I had nothing to give to others. When everyone else was growing up tall & blooming in their life, my roots went deeper into the soil. I was tempted to just end it all, but I opted for digging my heels in & focusing on healing myself. Slowly but surely, I’m coming back.

Others have claimed they tried to help. Like the birds, they’ve dropped their shallow advice into my life & have quickly flown away. I was something on their list they needed to check off, their “good deed” of the day. I was hurt by their unsympathetic actions & indifference. I learned to swiftly discard their callousness. I’m not going to let their half-ass attempts try to take credit for any growth in my life. I am determined to grow back stronger than before, even if I do it alone.

It’s been a long time. I’m sure others thought I was gone if they even gave me a second thought. But I’m still here. And as cliché as it sounds, this time around is different for me. I’m drawing up boundaries with others. I will not cultivate their insensitivity or wishy-washy behavior. I would rather spend the time removing people from my life versus growing with them. All they’re doing is stealing my hard-earned “nutrients”, my life blood, for their benefit. They are draining me of my precious commodities. They are shooting up fast all around me because their roots are shallow. When the storm comes, they’re nowhere to be found.

Looking at me, you might only see a few dark green leaves on small sprouts, but don’t let that fool you. You’ll notice immediately I’m different from the others. It may not look like much, but believe me, I’m here for the long haul.

* Get it? Little Shop of Horrors? I also have a plant named Robert….Robert Plant? Is this thing on? 😉 

EDIT: Here’s Audrey! 

Weight loss update – part 2

Ugh.

So I gained. A LOT. 3.8 lbs to be exact. How does one gain 4 lbs in a week? Well, you don’t go to the gym & then you eat your feelings for the past 2 days. So yeah. That’ll do it. Blecch.

I decided to give myself a weekly challenge & adjust as necessary to help me reach my goals (reminder: I wanna lose 35 lbs by my 35th).

This week’s challenge:

– No eating after 2100. I’ll be fine with tea or water.
– Hit the gym 3x this week
– Fix my sleep schedule. I’ve been having nightmares the past few nights. It’s messing with me too much.

All doable. Alright, wish me luck

Sitcoms & tea

I think I’ve been in my pajamas since 2100. I’ve been drinking tea on the couch, watching old seasons of “Two & a Half Men,” & laughing my ass off. This is a perfect Saturday evening for me. No agenda, no judgment, no concerns. God, I’ve missed this. 🙂