Centering myself

I feel pulled in multiple directions by various people, situations, & distractions. Like a medieval rack, I feel strapped down & out of control. The pressure & tension from others is getting tighter & something is bound to break. 

I’ve had a few serious light bulbs go off. I can’t waste any more time. I suddenly have this urgency to get my shit together. Time is running out. I don’t mean to be vague. It’s hard to explain when I don’t fully understand it myself. It’s this gut-dropped feeling. Now or never, SC. Move. Your. Ass.

I keep coming back to this same thought: I want to find my center. I want to find peace in the midst of the storms. That iconic picture of someone enjoying the view on top of the mountain they conquered? I want that. 

I’ve tried to step back politely but that’s not working. I have to drop all other distractions. I can’t handle your burdens anymore. You have to carry your own weight up your own mountain. I’m being selfish & focusing on what’s best for me.

Sorry I’m not sorry. 

Chest pains

Since I’ve been on medication, I’m happy to report I’ve only had 2-3 “minor” panic attacks. I call them minor as they are nowhere near as intense as they were pre-meds. And, good news, I have the option now to take a Xanax if I’m feeling like they’re getting too intense.

But lately, I’ve been having some chest pains. Nothing that would require additional help (like Xanax) but enough to make me keenly aware of it. So I went back to taking kava in capsule form. Kava is a natural sedative. It doesn’t knock you out or make you a zombie, as I’ve heard others have had that effect with prescription drugs. More like it just helps calm you down. Like a friend who shows up with a blanket & aย hot cuppa. ๐Ÿ™‚ย A lot of people use it for anxiety & it seems to work great. It does work for me; I’m just not a fan of waiting for it to kick in. It takes about 30 or so minutes for me to start noticing it. That’s a long time when your chest is getting tight & your breathing is more labored than usual. :\

Anyway, I’m not sure what’s causing this pain. I feel more in control in my life. Things are falling beautifully into place & I’m a lot less stressed. So why is my chest hurting? What does my subconscious know that my conscious doesn’t know? Maybe it’s because everything is going well? Like I don’t trust it?

I don’t know. Hopefully, I’ll figure it out soon.

Why I’m a Libertarian

I grew up as a staunch Republican. My parents & brother were Republicans. Our friends were Republican. My extended family was split between Republican & Democrat. Oh, trust me. It was WELL-KNOWN in our house how WRONG the Democrats were. *eye roll*

But as I grew older & did my own research, I found myself pulling away from the two-party system. Experience taught me the world isn’t in black & white. There is a lot of grey & I don’t have definitive answers for those grey areas. Even more so, I learned Republicans are full of greedy bastards. ๐Ÿ˜‰

It basically came down to this simple concept – I don’t know what’s best for you. Only you do. What right do I have to say you can or can’t do something? I believe you should have the freedom to do whatever you want to yourself without the government interfering. I mean, I know that’s a broad statement but that’s the gist of what I believe.

And I know there are gonna be those who want to bring up different scenarios & want to know what I would do in each situation. And to those people, I say, “You’re an asshole.” Why does it matter? Don’t bring up crazy hypotheticals that will never happen. Use your time for something better, like helping others. ๐Ÿ™‚

What life with medication is really like

I found this BuzzFeed graphic & thought it was so accurate. It was used in an article about ADHD but I feel it’s true for any mental disorder.

It took me a while to realize there’s nothing wrong with me by taking medication. I’m not weak. I didn’t “give up.” This isn’t an “easy out.” There is a chemical deficiency in my brain. Meds bring me up to normal. I don’t have an advantage over others. It levels the playing field, so to speak.

I wouldn’t want to go back to life without it. It’s too chaotic & dangerous. It scares me to think of how long I was trying to live without help. My advice? Get help. Please.

Untitled2

Weight loss update – part 7

I’ve had a difficult week. And I don’t just mean emotionally.

For about a week, I’ve had these intense gas pains (? I guess that’s what it is). It doesn’t seem to matter what I eat. I’m ballooning up & my stomach feels tight & like it’s in knots. Not even my “fat jeans” were fitting. I gained .8 lbs but I’m wondering how much of that is this painful bloat.ย I took all kinds of meds, drank a shit load of water & tea, & yes, I went potty a lot. Still hurts. I finally decided yesterday to eat pizza (yum!) to help. And how does pizza help?

And how does pizza help?

Pizza will clean me out. I love it but my GI tract is not a fan of the gluten. I usually end up with intense pains & I’m living in the bathroom all night. Yippee. But hey. I was already doing that so I might as well have pizza & open the floodgates (so to speak). Because, yes, I make these kinds of immatureย decisions. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I could tell it was working. I didn’t have to run to the bathroom but I was pooting & burping up a storm. By the end of the night, I was down to about one “bubble” that was about the size of my fist. I’m feeling better today so I think I took care of it. I still don’t know what caused it which sucks because I don’t know what I need to avoid. Maybe stress? Ha! Good luck, amirite?

Baby steps

When I fail so hard that I feel like there’s no way I can recover, I pull myself up & take a baby step. I focus on what’s right in front of me & fuck the rest.

 

ca43cc36025addd94246bf7178024472

Weight loss update – part 6.5

Okay, so here’s what I was working on:

โ€“ No eating after 2100
โ€“ Hit the gym 3x this week
โ€“ Fix my sleep schedule
โ€“ Drink 64 oz of water or tea
โ€“ Get my steps in. Starting with 5000.
โ€“ Eating clean 75% of the time

And here are my notes:

No eating after 2100 – Check! One night I ate after 2100 because I was at a dance function & I didn’t get dinner. I ate very clean & light to make up for it.

Hit the gym 3x this week – Check! I worked out 4x last week! I did it at home versus going to gym but I’m still counting it.

Fix my sleep schedule – Sorta? I was doing pretty good but I had a few rough nights.

Drink 64 oz of water or tea – Check! I find it’s easier to do when you have a cuppa or a bottle with you at all times.

Get my steps in. Starting with 5000. – Check! I had to REALLY stretch to get some of them in. Downside of working at a desk during the day.

Eating clean 75% of the time – Check! I always feel better when I do so you’d think this would be an easy one. Unfortunately, I’m an emotional eater so it’s one of the more tricky ones.

And for this week, I’ll continue on & modify a few of these goals:

โ€“ Hit the gym 4x this week
โ€“ Fix my sleep schedule
โ€“ Drink 72 oz of water or tea
โ€“ Get my steps in. Starting with 5000.
โ€“ Eating clean 80% of the time

Ouch

I’m sorry yesterday’s post was short. I’ll edit it & give you a proper update soon enough.

Yesterday was hard for me. I’ve been feeling like I’m at a crossroads & so I made a very difficult decision. It was a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation. Much like this graphic, I feel like I ripped my heart in half. My sleep was shitty & I woke up with chest pains. So I’m quiet & kinda in my head today. I know I made the right decision. I weirdly have peace over it. It still hurts deep inside of me. Seppuku might be less painful.

Here’s my fatal flaw: I care for others & love them tremendously. Wholeheartedly, diving into the deep, ever-lasting cheerleader. I’ve always been like this. I’m not one to brush things off & move on. I’m passionate.

Like an arrow piercing through me, I feel every word said in pain. They know I made a hard decision. They know I wouldn’t do it unless my back was against the wall. They know it was said in love. It still doesn’t make it any easier.

And now, I feel like I’m drifting, floating around. My thoughts are cloudy & I can’t seem to focus without forced effort. But I’ll slap on a smile & act like everything is fine. I’m sure they’re doing the same.

Eponine

I first heard about Les Mis maybe 20-23 years ago. I heard “On My Own” & I instantly fell in love. I sat & listened to the lyrics & cried. I was finally introduced to a character who was just like me.

I’ve always been friends with guys. But there were a special few who I was attracted to. Sadly, my Mariuses wanted the Cosettes. I was Eponine. I was the one who would do anything for them but I was just a friend. Their love for me was strictly platonic. I heard every excuse in the book why they picked Cosette over me. I lived too far away, I wasn’t blonde, “Somebody told me something about you & it turned me off,” & so on.

Gee, thanks.

It was comforting to know it wasn’t just me. Other girls had this heartache as well. I’ve always loved older musicals (“Singin’ in the Rain” & “Anchors Aweigh” are high on my list). This was the first time I was properly introduced to a “newer” musical & I was hooked.

I poured myself into musicals which, to this day, help me when I’m really low. I relate to the characters. I feel their heart bleeding for a long-lost love, a just cause, or inner conflict. Eponine showed me I could be strong even if I was *On My Own. She taught me that true love doesn’t give up on others. She fought for what she believed in, even when it cost her her life.

In a world full of Cosettes & all the Mariuses that chase after them, I’m proud to be an Eponine.

* See what I did there? ๐Ÿ˜‰

And in case you’re not familiar with the song, here are the lyrics:

On my own
Pretending he’s beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain, the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it’s only in my mind
That I’m talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still, I say, there’s a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river’s just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I’m learning
All my life
I’ve only been pretending
Without me
His world will go on turning
A world that’s full of happiness
That I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own