Weight loss update – part 5

Hey there. I’ve been on vacation & it was marvelous. For the first time in ages, I was actually calm & relaxed. I drank my body weight in various kinds of alcohol & ate whatever the fuck I wanted to. And you know what? It was great.

And while it was great, I learned a lot about myself. I’ll probably spend the next few posts unraveling the mental tangles. But regarding my weight, I learned that as fun as junk food is, I feel like absolute shit when I eat it. I know. Obviously. But after a few days of bingeing, it lost its luster for me. I think I created an aversion which is just awesome. I found myself craving healthier food, drinking more water, & trying to get more rest. I walked everywhere (11.5 miles on one day!) & it felt great to be active again.

I lost .2 lbs which is really nothing, I know. But! I didn’t gain! So yay!

As a refresher, here’s what I’m working on for this week:

– No eating after 2100
– Hit the gym 3x this week
– Fix my sleep schedule
– Drink 64 oz of water or tea
– Get my steps in. Starting with 5000.
– Eating clean 75% of the time

I’ll let you know how it goes! Hopefully, by next week, I’ll have dropped weight & starting to feel much better!

Anxiety + Depression = Hell

I haven’t flown in years & there’s a good reason for that. The last time I flew, I had really high anxiety. I was stressed the whole time, had panic attacks, & didn’t know what was wrong with me. So even while I’m packing tonight for my trip, I can feel my anxiety rising. My head is pounding & I’m starting to shake. And the fucked up part? I feel like I don’t deserve a vacation. Like this is my punishment. Because with depression, it’s an one-two punch. I’m really thankful I have Xanax this time around to help me out. Here’s hoping I can get through traveling tomorrow without falling apart. 

Weight loss update – part 4

Blecch. This week was rough. I gained.

But I’m not surprised. I’m on my rag, I’ve been in a lot of pain, & I’ve been barely moving. My sleep schedule is still fucked up. I’m sure I would drop all of this bloated weight once my period is done & I get a good night’s rest.

I can feel my mental well-being slowly falling. This is all discouraging. I know how to fix it. I know I’ll get through this & feel better. But until then, I feel like an exhausted failure.

I’m really glad I’m going on vacation in a few days. I think I’ll spend just one day sleeping in as late as I want. Maybe then I’ll feel a little more human & a little less like a zombie. :/

♪ Hey Jealousy! ♪

Ah, yes. Jealousy. Such a motherfucker. Grass is greener-itis. What they have is better than what I have.

I wish I had her stomach & thighs & OMG that ass you can bounce a quarter off of.

I wish I could be that carefree & let issues roll off my back.

I wish they would recognize me. Am I a ghost?

I wish…I wish…I wish *cue Skee-lo, am I right? *

I had a thought the other day. While I’m being envious of others of what I don’t have or how I’m not wired, I realized that others are just as jealous of me. We live in a comparison society, which is just ridiculous when you really think about it. Nobody is perfect in any way. We all have our flaws as well as our own strengths. Life would be dull if we were all perfect. It’s through our imperfections where we really shine. How you handle those weaknesses is what others notice & inspires them to do & be better.

So yeah, maybe you can’t bounce a quarter off my ass right now but I have amazing, thick, naturally curly hair. A true brunette, my dark hair will hold romantic curls for hours & even days. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

And no, I’m not carefree because I’m deeply passionate. I care wholeheartedly about others. I will stand next to you & fight for you. When you hurt, I hurt. I want you to succeed more than you’ll ever know.

And some people are just self-absorbed assholes. I’m not gonna sing & dance to get your attention. It’s not who I am. Even in the middle of my darkest hour, I won’t do it.

Side note: And if you see others around you suffering & you don’t do anything to help, you are one of those assholes. It literally takes 15 seconds to send someone a message & let them know you’re thinking about them. You have no idea of the impact that will make on their lives. 

Again, I’m not perfect. I have a long journey ahead of me. There are PLENTY of people & things that I’m jealous over. But instead of comparing myself to them, I’m trying to retrain my brain to point out my good features instead. I don’t always succeed but I’ve definitely gotten better.

It reminds me of what Chris Cornell (RIP) said, “The grass is greener where the dogs are shitting.” 😉


Pain sucks

How cute is this Lego pain chart?! Adorable, right?

The past few days have been extremely painful for me. For starters, it’s my “womanly time” (lol) & for some reason, this month has been a fucking nightmare. I was up from 0400-0500 because I was cramping so hard. I was in a ball & feeling something like waves rolling inside of me. I don’t understand why this month would be so killer compared to the other months. My doctor offered to put me on birth control but that just makes me nauseated all the time. Hellish period 6 days a month or pukey for 30 days a month? Yeah, it’s the lesser of two evils for me.

I’m cramping so much that my back is freaking out. I can’t remember if I’ve told you but I have some major back issues. I’ve been seeing a masseuse & a chiropractor for a few years now. I get a lot of spasms that (for lack of a better word) paralyze me. I either freeze up or drop down. Regardless, when it happens, I can’t move for a while. I silently cry through the pain, wishing it would go away. To have both cramps & back pain is insane.

I’ve been taking Vicodin & ibuprofen to help but I’m almost out of Vicodin. And since I don’t have a prescription (don’t judge), pretty sure I’m gonna need to stay with ibuprofen, which at this point is like candy. I’m not sure if it’s even doing anything because I can’t tell. I’m still aware of the pain while on meds – narcotics or not. Maybe I just need some Demerol or something. Ooh! A Morphine drip! There we go. 😉

So because I’ve been in so much pain, I haven’t gone to the gym but once this week (obviously before my period started). I’m so bloated that nothing fits. I feel like an absolute failure. I honestly think the only reason I haven’t fallen into a depressive episode is because I’m too focused on the pain. Meh.

“To sleep, perchance to dream”

Maybe I should start out by telling you how I usually sleep.

After a long day, I look forward to hopping in my bed. My mind usually doesn’t shut up for a while so it might take me 30 or so minutes until I fall asleep. I rarely wake up at night (unless I have to pee) & even more rare than that are nightmares. I fall immediately back asleep. I sleep a solid 8-9 hours & get going with my morning. Sometimes I’ll take a nap but that’s not really common anymore.

Okay, that’s how it’s supposed to be. Here’s what’s been going on for about a month now.

I dread going to bed because it’s been the same shit show for a while now. My mind is firing on all cylinders for around 2 hours after I go to bed. I’m waking up multiple times (pee, nightmares, or panic attacks) & I’m wide awake afterward for huge chunks of time. I’m getting about 4-5 hours a night & that’s not consistent.

This is exhausting. Literally exhausting. I don’t know why I can’t just sleep like I normally do. I don’t know what’s changed.


Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Most of us know this song by Natasha Bedingfield. It’s a happy, inspirational song to live life to the fullest. To me, I’ve always found it encouraging. No matter how low I get or how much I screw up, my future is still “unwritten.” The best part? I hold the pen. I can write it as I see fit.

I can give myself a positive future, full of love from friends & family. I’m not trapped by mental illness or by others’ expectations. My life is my own. A good friend told me yesterday, “Rome wasn’t built in a day. And neither are you.” I am a work in progress. Others will come & judge based on the one page they’ve seen in my life. But those who read my story will see it as a beautiful tale of perseverance & determination. A lesser person would give up, but I refuse to. I’m putting my pen to paper & my story will have a happy ending.

Depression in Teenagers

I hit all 5 of these when I was a teen. I was told I was overreacting, being emotional or hormonal, & I needed to get over it. I was told I was “too young to be upset” & I had “nothing to be depressed about.” My concerns were brushed off & chalked up to “being a moody teen.” My family, the ones who are supposed to support & love you, mocked me privately & publicly. And people wonder why we have teen suicide.

Please don’t ignore those who are hurting. Like me, they probably don’t know how to reach out. They’re afraid no one will believe them. Be the adult & go to them. Help them. Support them. Take their concerns as serious as they do. You could save a life. You just never know.


Panic attacks while dreaming

So I’m pretty sure I’ve entered a new level of hell – having a full blown panic attack in my dream. Yeah. That’s been a fucking blast. Waking up with chest pains, elevated breathing, & in a cold sweat. I know it’s just a dream. I KNOW. But to my mind, it was real. To my body, I’m waking up & freaking out & I don’t know why. Then, I’m lying there for about an hour or so until everything calms down enough & I can go back to bed. Sometimes it doesn’t take that long; sometimes it’s more like 30 minutes. Regardless, it’s half an hour of hell. Try going back to sleep after that. Yeah. It doesn’t really happen.

And in my dreams, it seems like anything can trigger it. I find my dream self quickly overwhelmed & in the corner curled up in a ball. Next thing I know, I’m hyperventilating, rocking back & forth, & crying through the chest pains. I feel trapped in my skin. I once dreamt I was trying to rip my skin off because my chest was so tight. Yeah. It’s a nightmare.

So you can imagine my disgust when someone uses the term “panic attack” casually. These facetious assholes have no idea the torment people like myself go through. There have been plenty of times when I was a sobbing, painful mess right before I had to see people or go to work or whatever. Begging God to kill me just to get it over with. You just don’t know. Don’t call your mini freak out over losing your keys or something else minor a “panic attack.” I get it. As Americans, we use hyperboles like no one’s business (see what I did there?). But in this case, choose a different word.

Weight loss update – part 3

Zero. I didn’t gain nor did I lose. Just maintained. Blecch.

I guess I should be happy that I didn’t gain but whatever. I still feel stagnant. I need to tighten up a few areas to get some results.

Last week’s goals:

– No eating after 2100
— Check!
– Hit the gym 3x this week
— I went twice. Try again
– Fix my sleep schedule
— Meh. Not quite. It’s still really rough.

Adding on:

– Drink 64 oz of water or tea
– Get my steps in. Starting with 5000.
– Eating clean 75% of the time

Here’s hoping this week works out better!