I had another panic attack today. Sigh.
I had horrible nightmares, woke up with my boss upset with me for something I didn’t do, & was finishing a fight with a friend from the night before. It was all too much. I felt like I was immediately drowning in anxiety.
I tried to push it aside & power through. I lasted about 90 minutes. Then I crashed. Hard.
Since the attack, my head has been pounding. I took meds, laid out on the couch, & stuck with fluids. I can’t think straight which is common for me afterwards. The little I can think is feeling weak & powerless.
Anxiety & depression. Such a bitch.
I’m not sure how to talk to you about how I’m feeling without coming across as cold, calloused, or closed off. I’ll do my best to make my feelings clear.
I’m not angry. I’m not bitter. I’m not vengeful. I’m…nothing, really. I have no strong opinion on certain issues anymore. Am I becoming more focused on my concerns? Am I learning to not let molehills stop me like mountains? Or maybe I’m just really embracing those 5 little words…
I. Don’t. Give. A. Fuck.
Again, I’m not spiteful. I have no genuine cause of concern for some people or situations. I’m “neutral”, quasi-numb to it all. I wish them well but I won’t waste my time & energy with them anymore. I feel like floating right past them.
I’ve always been the friend who’s readily available. I will cry with you, laugh with you, plot a murder with you. 😉 But something has been shifting in me. I’m learning that I can’t give my heart to others. It’s a precious gemstone & it doesn’t deserve to be treated like gravel. So maybe I shouldn’t be so readily available. Maybe taking this step back to focus on me & to get my whole self in line needs to be my top priority.
So by doing that, I find myself not caring (for lack of a better phrase) about others who want to bathe in petty shit. I’ve had several examples lately but here’s one to give you an idea: A few days ago, I had a Facebook friend get mad at me (for something I didn’t do). When I tried to talk to her about it to understand her, she immediately blocked me. My first reaction? I laughed. I couldn’t believe a grown-ass woman would throw such a temper tantrum. Now normally, I would lose sleep over it, going over details non-stop, trying to figure out where I went wrong. But lately? IDGAF. Be mad at me, love me, whatever. I don’t seem to be swayed one way or the other.
A close friend thinks it’s a side effect of depression. I’m not sure. I’ve been depressed for about 20 years & I’ve never had this issue before. This is a new area for me. I’m not sure how to decipher this crazy web of an enigma I’m stuck in. I’m definitely taking baby steps through it. And I am trying to not come across as cold or insensitive.
I guess I should apologize if I unintentionally hurt your feelings but…I can’t…
One of my favorite compliments is “you’re different.” Even if it’s meant as an insult. It means you’ve noticed a change of direction in my life. I’m not stagnant; I’m moving. And because I choose to press on, even when I don’t feel like it, you can recognize there’s growth in my life.
Some of my changes are more subtle than others & are so small that you may not even see them. The past few days, I’ve gone to bed before midnight. I’m usually asleep by 2300 which, those who know me, know it’s unheard of. I’m the one that’s still up at 0200. I’m discovering that this Night Owl is becoming an Early Bird. I’m craving the morning sunshine & allowing its calmness to wash over me. I’m finding that I can make it through the day without needing a nap anymore. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but for someone with disruptive sleep & depression, that’s amazing.
Other changes have been really internal. They’ll manifest externally soon enough but they’ll take time. I’ve had a few harsh eye-opening experiences recently & I need to “chew on it” for a while. That’s why, by the way, I’ve been quiet. I know I haven’t been posting as much. I’m not sure what to say when I don’t completely understand it myself. I’m starting to see patterns in my life, both good or bad, & I’m trying to sort it out. I’m learning to take things slow & really focus on me.
So yes. I’m different. I’m not the same woman from 20 years ago or from 20 days ago. I’m constantly developing & molding myself into the best version of SC I can be. Instead of rushing to the finish line, I’m learning to slow down & concentrate on each step so that I am wholly healed & complete. My system of quick band-aids over serious hemorrhaging isn’t working. It’s time to stop & mend my wounds.
I’ve been running this experiment for the past few days & I gotta say – it blows me away how much better I feel! What am I doing to boost my mood? Literally straightening out my back so I have good posture. That’s it.
It sounds mundane but OMG. I feel like I’m walking more with power & confidence. I feel more in control & assertive. All from elongating my back. Crazy, right? I’m a dance teacher – I KNOW the benefits of good posture.
I’m trying to implement it into my daily life. I work at my desk for my day job which means I start looking like Quasimodo within a short amount of time. I’m trying to get up & move more. I get up, make sure my spine is aligned, & grab a glass of water or tea. These are just little changes I’m making but I’m seeing huge improvements. 🙂
I feel pulled in multiple directions by various people, situations, & distractions. Like a medieval rack, I feel strapped down & out of control. The pressure & tension from others is getting tighter & something is bound to break.
I’ve had a few serious light bulbs go off. I can’t waste any more time. I suddenly have this urgency to get my shit together. Time is running out. I don’t mean to be vague. It’s hard to explain when I don’t fully understand it myself. It’s this gut-dropped feeling. Now or never, SC. Move. Your. Ass.
I keep coming back to this same thought: I want to find my center. I want to find peace in the midst of the storms. That iconic picture of someone enjoying the view on top of the mountain they conquered? I want that.
I’ve tried to step back politely but that’s not working. I have to drop all other distractions. I can’t handle your burdens anymore. You have to carry your own weight up your own mountain. I’m being selfish & focusing on what’s best for me.
Sorry I’m not sorry.
Since I’ve been on medication, I’m happy to report I’ve only had 2-3 “minor” panic attacks. I call them minor as they are nowhere near as intense as they were pre-meds. And, good news, I have the option now to take a Xanax if I’m feeling like they’re getting too intense.
But lately, I’ve been having some chest pains. Nothing that would require additional help (like Xanax) but enough to make me keenly aware of it. So I went back to taking kava in capsule form. Kava is a natural sedative. It doesn’t knock you out or make you a zombie, as I’ve heard others have had that effect with prescription drugs. More like it just helps calm you down. Like a friend who shows up with a blanket & a hot cuppa. 🙂 A lot of people use it for anxiety & it seems to work great. It does work for me; I’m just not a fan of waiting for it to kick in. It takes about 30 or so minutes for me to start noticing it. That’s a long time when your chest is getting tight & your breathing is more labored than usual.
Anyway, I’m not sure what’s causing this pain. I feel more in control in my life. Things are falling beautifully into place & I’m a lot less stressed. So why is my chest hurting? What does my subconscious know that my conscious doesn’t know? Maybe it’s because everything is going well? Like I don’t trust it?
I don’t know. Hopefully, I’ll figure it out soon.
I grew up as a staunch Republican. My parents & brother were Republicans. Our friends were Republican. My extended family was split between Republican & Democrat. Oh, trust me. It was WELL-KNOWN in our house how WRONG the Democrats were. *eye roll*
But as I grew older & did my own research, I found myself pulling away from the two-party system. Experience taught me the world isn’t in black & white. There is a lot of grey & I don’t have definitive answers for those grey areas. Even more so, I learned Republicans are full of greedy bastards. 😉
It basically came down to this simple concept – I don’t know what’s best for you. Only you do. What right do I have to say you can or can’t do something? I believe you should have the freedom to do whatever you want to yourself without the government interfering. I mean, I know that’s a broad statement but that’s the gist of what I believe.
And I know there are gonna be those who want to bring up different scenarios & want to know what I would do in each situation. And to those people, I say, “You’re an asshole.” Why does it matter? Don’t bring up crazy hypotheticals that will never happen. Use your time for something better, like helping others. 🙂
I found this BuzzFeed graphic & thought it was so accurate. It was used in an article about ADHD but I feel it’s true for any mental disorder.
It took me a while to realize there’s nothing wrong with me by taking medication. I’m not weak. I didn’t “give up.” This isn’t an “easy out.” There is a chemical deficiency in my brain. Meds bring me up to normal. I don’t have an advantage over others. It levels the playing field, so to speak.
I wouldn’t want to go back to life without it. It’s too chaotic & dangerous. It scares me to think of how long I was trying to live without help. My advice? Get help. Please.
I’ve had a difficult week. And I don’t just mean emotionally.
For about a week, I’ve had these intense gas pains (? I guess that’s what it is). It doesn’t seem to matter what I eat. I’m ballooning up & my stomach feels tight & like it’s in knots. Not even my “fat jeans” were fitting. I gained .8 lbs but I’m wondering how much of that is this painful bloat. I took all kinds of meds, drank a shit load of water & tea, & yes, I went potty a lot. Still hurts. I finally decided yesterday to eat pizza (yum!) to help. And how does pizza help?
And how does pizza help?
Pizza will clean me out. I love it but my GI tract is not a fan of the gluten. I usually end up with intense pains & I’m living in the bathroom all night. Yippee. But hey. I was already doing that so I might as well have pizza & open the floodgates (so to speak). Because, yes, I make these kinds of immature decisions. 😉
I could tell it was working. I didn’t have to run to the bathroom but I was pooting & burping up a storm. By the end of the night, I was down to about one “bubble” that was about the size of my fist. I’m feeling better today so I think I took care of it. I still don’t know what caused it which sucks because I don’t know what I need to avoid. Maybe stress? Ha! Good luck, amirite?
When I fail so hard that I feel like there’s no way I can recover, I pull myself up & take a baby step. I focus on what’s right in front of me & fuck the rest.