♪ Sweet dreams are made of this! ♪

I had an interesting dream last night…

I dreamt I was hooking up on the side with an old boyfriend. By “old,” I mean, I haven’t seen him or talked to him in at least 5 years & we very briefly dated 20 years ago. I don’t think about him so I’m not sure why I dreamt about him.

Oh, and just a side note, this wasn’t a sex dream. I think the most physical contact between us was when he grabbed my hand as we were walking. Ooh. Saucy. 😉

Anyway, we were at this snazzy hotel & we were gonna check in for the night. We’re at the front desk & I’m seeing all of these old friends of mine. Again, people I haven’t spoken to in years. My hair was in disarray, leftover makeup on my face, & I’m wearing a large shirt (I think it was his?) & panties. I didn’t even have shoes on. I was a mess. I basically looked like the girl from The Ring. Yeah. Like that.

He, of course, looked great. Bastard. 😉 I was envious that he was pulled together but I wasn’t. He told me it wasn’t a big deal & he didn’t care but I was deeply embarrassed. I felt exposed & naked. I could feel the judgmental eyes on me & I was trying to hide my face. He wasn’t bothered by it & kept talking to the front desk about getting a room. I woke up shortly afterward.

So here’s what I think it means. Feel free to give me your interpretation as well.

I think looking disheveled while everyone else looked good is a reflection of how I feel about myself. I don’t feel pulled together or as accomplished as my peers. I’m embarrassed by my struggles & how they’ve affected my outlook over the years. Those who I used to idolize I feel like would be ashamed of how I am now. As if I somehow disappointed them?

The fact he wasn’t bothered by it is interesting to me. Like maybe he’s supposed to represent love & how love doesn’t care because it sees the real you. Love isn’t bothered with the outside because it’s what’s on the inside that counts. I realize I sound like a Hallmark card at the moment but I think you get my point. 😉

So what now?

I guess I continue to work on me & hope my subconscious will come around. :\

 

Zero energy

God, I can’t get over how tired I am. No, not “tired.” Everybody is tired & the word rarely has meaning anymore. I’m utterly exhausted. Spent. Worn out. Depleted. Fatigued. I have ZERO energy & the scraps of energy I do have are being siphoned away by other responsibilities.

Case in point…

I went to bed early last night & slept for 12 hours. I know. That’s crazy. I felt like I was 16 again. 😉 But between this migraine I’m trying to shake & feeling like I’m being pulled in multiple directions, I’m already done for the day & it’s only 1700. I still have other things to take care of. Fuck. How am I gonna pull this off? I’m gonna have to prioritize & some shit just isn’t gonna get done. That’s difficult for me but I’m gonna have to deal.

I think a large chunk of it has to do with the fact I’m feeling like I’m hitting another fun depressive episode. Yippee. I’m not sure how to describe it but others with mental illness get it. You can “feel” it coming. My eating habits have waned, I’m wanting to sleep more, & I’m being a hermit again.  No, I don’t want to talk it out nor do I want to hang out. I just want to curl up in bed & sleep it away. If I could check out a room at a nice hotel, I would crank it to 78, pile on the blankets, draw the curtains, & sleep for the next 12-15 hours. Actually, that’s not a bad idea… 😉

Speaking of sleep, I’ve been having some weird dreams. I mean, not just the content is weird but the coloring as well. I feel so grey during the day but my dreams are vivid & vibrant. But I’ll save that for another post. 🙂

Headaches

For some reason lately, my head has been randomly pounding. My water intake, my hairstyle, or any other of the “usual factors” don’t seem to be at play. It’s like a mild migraine. And, yes, I say, “mild” because I’ve had killer ones that make me wanna lie in the dark & not move. This is more like my head is in a C clamp but only on one side.

Speaking of which, do mild migraines even exist? Who knows?

My sleep schedule has been off as well as my diet. I’m sure that’s why & my body is reacting negatively to it. I mean, Occam’s Razor & all that. 😉 I’m gonna try to fix it all within the next few days. This is day 3 (I believe) of this nonsense & I’m over it. It’s starting to pull me down into that dark abyss & I need to avoid it if at all possible.

Wish me luck.

EDIT: And it’s morphed into a migraine. Fuck me. Good thing I don’t work 12 hours today…oh wait…

No Spend November

After reviewing some of my goals & then reading & feeling inspired by others’ financial goals, I decided to do a No Spend month.

“Umm…what?”

Let me explain – For the month of November, I’m not spending any additional money on anything frivolous. I pay the bills, get some groceries, but I don’t spend money on anything that’s not a clear need. Medicine? Need. Bag of candy to go with medicine? Hmm, not so much. 😉

I’m working hard to use up what I have in the house first. Instead of buying a hot cuppa, I make one at home before I head out. Instead of getting a manicure, I pull out my favorite autumnal shade & do it myself. I use the library, make cookies at home, & focus more on being grateful for what I do have.

“Oh, that’s awesome! What are you gonna do at the end of the month with all that cash?”

Why, thank you! 😉 I’m going to put it towards a larger financial goal that I’ve been working on. I might continue on with the No Spend in December. We’ll see. Right now, I’m just focusing on taking it one step at a time.

“I couldn’t do that! I would fall off the wagon.”

Well, to be honest, I have. The important part is that you get back up again. Brush yourself off & keep going. 🙂

Self-taught

I’m sorry I haven’t said anything in a while. I’ve been mulling a few things over. I’ve been reading more & focusing on more “me time.” I’ve pulled back from social media & trying to get back to basics. It’s a process, but I assure you, this is my process. I don’t know how long it’ll take but I guess that’s why I’m here. I’m finding my truth, right? 🙂

I was thinking lately how much stuff I’ve learned by teaching myself. Much like my heroes, Gene Kelly & Theodore Roosevelt, some of my greatest strengths are self-taught. Some are obvious & out for others to see & appreciate. Some are hidden deep inside but have kept me alive. I have a plethora of hidden talents, inner strengths, & great wisdom. Most of which are self-taught due to my curiosity, my research, my perseverance, or my hardships. 

The issue I find I’m having is trying to convince others that I know what the hell I’m doing. It’s infuriating. I do have a college degree & plenty of experience in a variety of issues. I’m now at the point where I’m done with others acting like I’m naive & helpless. I know what I’m good at. If I don’t feel like I know the answer, I’ll let you know. I have no problem with admitting it. 

I do, however, have a problem with the ones who don’t even give me a shot or the ones who I like to call “actually.” You know the type. They butt in with their unsolicited advice and a self-righteous, “Actually…” Ugh. Just shut the fuck up. Nobody asked you. I was trying to make conversation or make an innocent comment. Roll with it. Flex some of that common fucking courtesy.  

Maybe it’s an age thing or a sign of maturity but I’m reaching this point in my life where I know I know what I’m talking about. You’re either gonna believe me or not. I’ll be 35 in a month. I’m not some high schooler or even an early-20s college student who is lost in life. 

My roots are firmly planted & they run deep. I may not be a mighty, old oak yet but I’m definitely not a willow or a sapling. I’m not going to bend & move with blowhards. I’m here to stay. 

I know a few things about life. You’ll either listen to my wisdom or you won’t. You’ll either give me a chance to prove that I’m good at what I do or you won’t. Regardless, I’ll still press on bettering myself & learning more & more. 

The choice is yours. 

Labels

Something I’ve come to realize lately is that I’m not a fan of labels. “I’m a pansexual.” “I’m a Democrat.” “I’m a Buddhist.” Why do we label ourselves anyway? Who is benefiting from this? Once we label ourselves, aren’t we just naming our limitations?

I heard recently that labels aren’t for our benefit but for others. I don’t know about you but I’m not too keen on anyone trying to “figure me out” or put me in a box. I’m a human being whose ideas are fluid. They’re constantly evolving & molding me into becoming a better person.

How about instead of trying to define others we work on getting to know them as a person? Drop the need for labels & you drop any preconceived notions. I don’t need anyone judging me right off the bat.

Hello, I’m SC. Nice to meetcha!

Chameleons

I have a new pet peeve – relationship chameleons. You know the type. They change whoever they are to please or impress the other person in the relationship. Oh, you like this actor? He’s been their favorite for years, didn’t you know? You drink whiskey? What do you know – they do, too! You think that person’s hot? OMG, so do they! So hot!

Small fucking world!

Usually, I just brush it off (after I internally eye roll or jerk off motion) & go about my life. But this time, it’s different. This time, it was a close friend & it was an intimate detail about me. They crossed a line. It’s no longer flattery in my eyes. Now, you’re just pissing me off. Why can you just be your own goddamn self? Why do you feel the need to copy me? What is so terrible about your life that you feel the need to be a fucked up version of me? Do you understand that there are times when *I* don’t even want to be me?

I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. If I open up & share one of them with you, don’t try to adopt it as your own. It makes me feel like I’m not validated. It downplays my feelings, my opinions, & my preferences. My life is not a fucking vending machine for you to pick & choose what you like about me & absorb it as your own. These are my battles, my wounds, & my scars. Earn your fucking own.

♪ If I were a rich man! ♪

♪…yubby, dibby, dibby, dibby-dibby-dibby-dibby-dum! ♪


God, I love Tevye. Such a great character. 🙂

I was thinking about the other day about how my perception of money has changed. When I was a child, I thought $100 meant I was rich! But, of course, I did. I had no expenses, debts, or worries. I was flush with cash! 😉

Then as I grew up & into my teens, I learned $100 was equivalent to 20 hours of work. Or around 10 gallons of gas. Or maybe 2-3 pairs of dance shoes. My perspective shifted to what I could relate with. That $100 had a name on it. I wasn’t “loaded” anymore.

As I entered college, $100 became a textbook, maybe two. It was 1/4 of my rent & probably my groceries for the month. That $100 become vital to me. I no longer could waste it on some random toy when I was a little girl & I didn’t have my parents to bail me out like I did when I was a teen. I was on my own & I would hold onto it for dear life.

As I continued into my early 20s when I was beyond broke, my attitude towards money shifted towards a downward spiral. I had a lot of depressive episodes over it &, like Tevye, wondered what the hell was going on. I was doing everything I knew to do but still failing. It wasn’t for years until I realized what was really going on. Instead of staying on a straight & narrow path (like staying on budget), I plowed through a thicket full of thorns & thistles (alliteration bonus! Ha!). You will eventually get to your destination but it’ll take longer & be more painful in the process. Again, I didn’t realize this at the time.

Even now at 34, I’m recognizing unhealthy patterns I made during those rough times in order to survive. I can see how I charged $5 to McDonald’s because I needed to eat. So I was eating shit & spending shit I didn’t have. Do you see the problem? It’s like shooting myself twice in the foot but blaming the gun. Obviously, it didn’t take too long for this to catch up to me. I had gained a lot of weight & was completely broke.

The good news is that I see it now. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I still eat shit I shouldn’t but I don’t as much. I am actively working on “rewiring” my mind to make good, healthy choices. There’s still a part of me that is trying to rebel so, yes, I do fail but not as much as I used to.

And I’ve really cut back on my spending. It’s hard for me now to buy myself anything “just because.” Even during my birthday & the holidays, I tend to ask for money so I can put it to good use. When I receive a gift, I feel like I have to reciprocate. But we’ll cover that issue later. 😉

My point is I’m learning to redefine my relationship with money. It’s just a tool. It’s not the “end-all, be-all” or whatever. It’s not love. It’s not happiness. It’s just a method of moving forward in life but it isn’t life itself. Being broke taught me more about materialism & minimalism than when I had money. It taught me how people treat you differently when you have it or you don’t. And it taught me that love & acceptance are more important than a vault full of money.

Funny how that works. 🙂

 

 

 

Givers vs Takers

God, I love that quote. Don’t you?

I was talking to a gorgeous friend of mine this morning, LL. She’s one of these lucky few who are beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. 🙂 I told her I felt ignored by certain friends. It seems as if people only need me when they have concerns in their lives. They rush over to me because they know I’ll listen & offer my help. But rarely do they think to offer to help me or, shit, even ask me how I’m doing. Like a ghost with an unfinished history, I feel like I’m floating in & out through others’ lives, doomed to roam this world until I receive my closure.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard the same ol’, same ol’ broken promises.

“I won’t leave you.”
“I understand we have to stick together.”
“You can count on me.”
“I’m always here for you.”

And so on & so on. I don’t believe these people’s hearts are meant to be malicious. I think people get wrapped up in their own drama that once their current issue is resolved, they move on & forget about me.

Oh God, if I had a dollar for every time I heard, “I still care about you! I just forgot!” It’s great to know I left such a lasting impression on you…

And so, I float through life, wandering around until someone else “needs me.” With each interaction lately, I find myself pulling further & further away from others. Maybe I’m not meant to have friends who would treat me as I would with them. Regardless, it’s getting old & it’s a pattern I know too well. Even my conversations with others have gone from deep thought to responding with five words or fewer. Some of them have just dropped off the map. I have no idea what happened. They’re just…gone. And one of my closest friends, LC, said it best – “That’s when I stopped reaching out.” So with some of them, that’s what I’ve done. Why should I keep trying to drink you in when you’re gonna take the water of my friendship & leave me to dehydrate in the desert heat?

Anyway…

Back to my conversation with LL 🙂

She said, “There aren’t many people I’ve found who are givers. Most take much more than they give.” She’s right on the money. I personally feel like I’ve given everything I can & all that’s left is this broken husk of a woman that no one seems to be interested in helping. And so, I’m helping myself. I’m pulling myself up, brushing the dust off, & I push forward on my own. My memory is sharp & I won’t forget this. Not in a bitter sense but more like, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

And for those who have taken so much from me, you’re done. You can learn to give or you can find another friend. But like my friend, LC, I’m done reaching out. There are multiple ways to get a hold of me if I matter that much. And if I don’t, vaya con Dios. We part ways amicably & we move on. No bitterness towards you on my end. I promise. Just be brave, face the situation, & be realistic. If it’s not in the cards for you, tell me so we can say our goodbyes.

Regardless, may you find happiness & love everywhere you go. Life’s too short for this shit.