Holding on

I hate this.

My mind is in a fog. I can’t think straight & it’s frustrating as fuck. I’ve got at least 9 more days of this medication transition & it’s getting worse. I don’t know if I want to cry or scream. I feel trapped inside my mind. I’m not sleeping so I’m sure that would help. My vision has been shit & dyslexia has taken over. My memory, which used to be crazy strong, is shot. Doc says that’s common as well. So I literally feel like some fucking idiot who can’t think straight, see straight, or act straight. I’m sure my friends are tired of me saying the same shit over & over, but I can’t stop or I don’t remember saying anything to them.

It’s not as if I’m some drugged zombie because that would be wonderful. No, I’m fully aware & cognizant of all the effects. I understand that my body is trying to adjust to new meds & to recalibrate my fucked up serotonin levels. I understand that I was warned about this & told to use my *safety plan. I understand this is temporary but it feels like there’s no end in sight.

I’m freaking out because I feel completely out of control. And I don’t just mean physically. I’m obsessed with my relationship & because I’m not in control, I’m freaking out. Like OCD freaking out. Just typing it out to you is making me shake. I’m forgetting to take care of things around my house, with my jobs, or even with myself. And I can’t stop it. Like I said, it’s getting worse. I feel like I’m going crazy. Legit crazy.

I’m gonna take a Klonopin to calm down because my anxiety is going nuts.

I just have to hold on until it kicks in. Hold on, SC. Hold. On.

* We made a legit, typed up plan. It’s to help me when I feel powerless.Β 

EDIT: I had a small panic attack. I can’t do this. Somebody save me.

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Forget me not

I know it’s from the meds. I know this. I know Dr. H warned me, “It’s gonna get worse before it gets better.” I know all of this. It’s supposed to bring me comfort & hope.

So why doesn’t it feel like it?

You know what it feels like? You know in cop shows when the person is gonna jump off a building & they land on that giant inflatable trampoline? And everyone claps because they’re saved but the jumper is still feeling defeated & like shit? Yeah. It’s like that. These meds are the giant inflatable trampoline & my friends are the ones in the crowd who are clapping & happy that I’m alive. I’m disappointed because I’m still here & I still feel like this.

I feel forgettable. Like my time is done & I’m just holding on for some stupid reason. He said everything is fine & we’re good. But I feel discarded, ignored, pushed aside. I can’t quite describe it. It’s just this feeling that he’s trying to move on. He doesn’t have time for me. He has new priorities & they’re not me. I feel like I’m competing for attention & I’m losing. 😦

Ahh…rejection. Such a motherfucker.

I wish it was a switch. I wouldn’t have to feel this much or this deeply. Just a simple *click* & my heart would shut off. I wouldn’t be afraid of being forgotten. I could just be amazing & supportive & happy.

But, alas, I can’t.

No, my heart is all tied up & I’m trying my damnest to sort through it all & give him what he wants. My needs, wants, desires are all on the back burner. My focus is purely on him. You would think that would fix it or help a little. And yet, it’s not working. At least, in my mind, it’s not. I feel like I should let go & fade away. Maybe that would be best.

Fuck. These meds have my head in a complete fog. I don’t know what to do. Am I that forgettable? Do I mean that little? Ugh. I can’t think. Maybe I’ll just curl up & cry. That’s all I have the energy for anyway.

Sigh…Please don’t forget about me…

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“I’m Jewish”

I’m not really sure why they’re dancing with the Easter Bunny but their flying curls crack me up! Ha!

I had a nice little moment that I wanted to share with you. πŸ™‚

When I met with Dr. G (who I’m not sure if she is a doctor but again, for purposes of this blog, she is now πŸ˜› ), she asked me if I had any religious beliefs. I said I did & hesitated before I answered, “I’m Jewish.”

As you know, I’ve been hesitant because it doesn’t feel “real.” I guess if I had a dip in theΒ mikvah then it would? I’m not sure. It’s a constant struggle inside of me. To be quite honest, I feel lost. But again, you already knew all of this.

So I did answer but I did hesitate. I didn’t feel like I was lying but I wanted to say, “It’s complicated.” I felt like that would be a more honest answer. She did ask if I have a current temple & I said, “No,” which is true. There is one I’m interested in but I need to get my mental health on track first. Priorities & all. What good is a new temple if you’re dead? πŸ˜‰ See? I make jokes.

That was on Monday. It was in my mind as a confusing answer. I’m sure I’ll cover it at some point in therapy but for now, I don’t feel Jewish enough. Maybe the guilt alone is proof that I am? πŸ˜‰

Wednesday was when I met up with Dr. H to adjust my meds. She asked me, as Dr. G did if I had any religious preference. This time, though, I didn’t hesitate. πŸ™‚ I said, “Yes, I’m Jewish.” She asked if I had a temple & again “no” but “there is one I’m interested in.” She said that if religion was important to me, it would behoove me to go. I agreed & told her I would go soon.

Again, after I’m feeling a little more stable & after I transition over to these new meds. So far, I feel a little queasy & I’m tired – both symptoms that are completely normal & acceptable. It means it’s working, right?

I am in my head regarding a situation that happened tonight with SD but I’m trying really hard to not read into anything. Now isn’t the time, especially when my levels are off. I told him that we’re good & everything is fine. Because he knows me so well, he gave me a look like, “Yeah huh.” πŸ˜‰ I don’t want to fight about it so I’m trying to drop it & move on. I know I’m gonna be more sensitive to change right now & I don’t need to fuck up anything else.

I hate the unknown. I feel completely in the dark & like I have this teeny, tiny flashlight that barely works. All I can see is what’s immediately in front of me. The rest is black.

Blecch. I’ll get there. I know I will. It’ll just take me a while…

Today is Tu B’av – 15th day of Av, the day of love.

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My love languages

I’ve mentioned this a few times but I thought it would be best for me to actually explain & share this side of me. πŸ™‚Β 

They say you have five love languages – five different ways to show your love to someone: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, & Physical Touch. Maybe you’re a Words person & so you spend a lot of time telling others how you feel. Maybe you find cute little presents & so you’re a Gifts person. But for me? I’m Acts of Service & Physical Touch. I find that my love language can change throughout the years but that’s pretty accurate for me right now.

So this is how I show you that I love you:

I will do whatever I can to help you out. Dreading a phone call? I’ll do it. Behind on household tasks? I’ll do it. Hungry & out of food/money? I’ll do it. No request is too small. I take great pleasure in helping you out & making you happy. It’s a sacrificial love. Anything to ease your burden & to serve you.

It is interesting to be an introvert who loves Physical Touch but there you have it. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, touching your arm – all ways to show you I care for you. Physical Touch means a lot to me. In a relationship, a hand on my thigh is just as intimate as a kiss. Touch is touch, for me. I try to respect other people’s boundaries so I purposefully won’t touch you unless I know it’s okay. Some of my friends would probably be like, “Ew. What are you doing?” Hahaha!

Of course, I love being told that I’m loved, unexpected gifts, & spending time with those who have my heart. There are days when I prefer those over others. But if I do things for you & find myself touching you a lot? Yeah. I’m into you. πŸ˜‰

This made me laugh!

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β™ͺ Where do we go now? β™ͺ

Random fun fact about Sweet Child o’ Mine.

So the last few days have been interesting, to say the least. Shifting into this new area as well as actively working on my mental health. I do have several things that have fallen into the cracks. Some of them I know have fallen & I need to take care of. Others I’m watching them go & trying to decide if it’s worth it or not. I mostly find myself standing there, observing all of this, & asking myself G&R’s hook – “Where do we go now?”

I met up with *Dr. H today. My head is still pounding from the stress of opening up & revealing these demons. She was very kind, nonjudgmental, & wanted to help me. All things that are good, right? I could tell she wasn’t real thrilled about my situation. And again, not like she was judgmental but more concerned. I told her a little bit about how I’ve been feeling (depressed, anxious, suicidal). She asked how confident I felt about not committing suicide at this point. I thought “80%” but I lied & said, “85%.” She said that was low & that I was considered severe & critical. Whoops. She also said that she really wanted me to check into a hospital.

Well, fuck.

I made her a promise that in lieu of checking myself in, I would reach out to my support system (people like you) & let you know when things are bad. She didn’t seem too thrilled at that but she agreed only if I promised her to reach out immediately. I agreed.

We talked about the meds I’m on (Lexapro & Xanax) & how I felt like they’re not working anymore. The short version is that I’m right & they’re not. Basically, my body has adapted to having them & they’re not helping me anymore. They’re just…there. So we’re switching me over to Zoloft & Klonopin. Again, I’m sharing all of these personal & private details with you so that you can help me. I start transitioning over to the new meds tonight. It’ll take about 2 weeks total. She said during this time, “It’ll get worse before it gets better.” Yippee. She also told me to let my support system know to check on me more often, love me more, & show more support. We’re gonna try to do this carefully so I don’t have any massive drops in serotonin & off myself. I’m going to be more vulnerable as we switch over but hopefully, this, combined with therapy, will help me out.

So, I guess, that’s where we’re going right now. Switching over meds that will help me feel more human & make some real progress in my life. Wish me luck.

* Okay, so she’s a psychiatric nurse practitioner but she has the same initials as another friend. So for the purposes of this blog, she’s a doctor. Mazel tov! πŸ˜›

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Letting go

Bye week ended last night. Finally. I’ve been waiting all week. Now we can work on us and move forward. These last 3 weeks have been hell and I’m looking forward to putting them behind me.

Then today happened.

We talked, I cried, and there’s a definite answer to the question I’ve been asking. And the answer is no.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I feel like a fucking idiot. I’ve been hoping and trying to do whatever I can and it didn’t work. I’m full of regret and misery. I want to die. I can’t handle this rejection.

His voice is still ringing in my ears, “I’m still here.” But you’re not. It’s different now. I’m in the way. I will do my best to make him happy and to be supportive when I can.

But for now, I can’t. I can feel myself falling and I don’t want to be saved.

Let me go…

Overthinking

I’m gonna be really honest & expose some serious fears today. Maybe if I acknowledge them, I can confront them & conquer them. Wish me luck.

I’m deep in my head.

I’m overanalyzing everything – every word that’s said, the silence in between the words, all reactions, & so forth. My anxiety is through the roof. I swear I’m trying to play it cool. I’m trying to take a breath & just let things naturally unfold. But I can’t. I have this compulsion & I’m out of control. It’s like the switch is stuck on & I can’t turn it off. It’s getting louder in my head & I don’t know what to do.

I know what I’ve been told: “It’s gonna be okay. I’m not going anywhere. I’m still here.” But it’s not sinking in & I don’t know why. It’s like the internal voices are louder than the external ones. It’s very scary.

It hit me this morning as I was laying in bed – I’m deeply afraid:

  • I’m afraid of the future. I don’t know what is gonna happen. I want things to be good different but I don’t know if they are.
  • I’m afraid I’ll always be in second place. That no matter how hard I try or what I do, I won’t be as good as SB.
  • I’m afraid he’s happier without me.
  • I’m afraid of my feelings & emotions (both good & bad) & how strong they are.
  • I’m afraid of fucking up so I’m walking on eggshells.
  • I’m afraid of the distance that’s between us.
  • I’m afraid I’m going crazy. Like psychiatric ward crazy.
  • I’m afraid of being alone.
  • I’m afraid of rejection.
  • I’m afraid I’ll never get out of this darkness.
  • I’m afraid I don’t matter as much as I used to.
  • I’m afraid of being demoted & placed under a glass ceiling as if I can see the top but I can’t reach it.
  • I’m afraid of change.
  • I’m afraid he’s going to treat me differently.
  • I’m afraid he’ll decide I’m not worth it.

Sigh. And now my head hurts.

I hate exposing my demons but I know it’s necessary to heal. I’m sure there are more of them in there, crammed inside the closet with the skeletons. πŸ˜‰ But for now, that’s what’s weighing the most on my mind.

And it’s all under the umbrella of me feeling incredibly inadequate & insecure. 😦

Fuuuuuuuuuck.

KH posted this today on Facebook & it hit me hard:

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200!

We did it! 200! Whether if you’ve been with me from the beginning or just starting, THANK YOU! It means more to me than you’ll ever know.

Here are a few of my most popular posts. As always, everything opens in a new tab:

Unworthy
Crushed
Heading towards progress

Thank you again for joining me on this journey. *clink* ❀

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Playing games

I’m not one to play games by any definition of the phrase.

I like Clue & Cards Against Humanity & that’s about it. Maybe Strip Poker but time & place, right? πŸ˜‰ Games aren’t my bag & haven’t been since I was a little girl. I know the reason for that. All I have are memories of me begging my family to spend time with me & play with me but they’d rather watch TV. Yeah, it’s painful but it formed me into this person who doesn’t do games.

But we can discuss my parents some other time.

Today, I want to talk about the mental games people play. I don’t do that. I don’t like how passive-aggressive & deceptive it is. Shit like, “Oh, I’m gonna say, ‘it’s okay’ but it really isn’t” or “Let’s see if he does what I want if I do this or say that.”

LH & I were talking about this earlier today. We both agreed that we’d much rather have someone be direct with their intentions. Being direct doesn’t mean you’re being a dick about it. You can be honest & respectful without being said dick.

In my experience, I’ve found women to be the manipulators & maybe that’s why I’ve always been better friends with men. I would have friends who said we were good or they didn’t want me to have to go or it was their turn to pay or whatever. Only to wait until later when I found out we weren’t good, they wanted to me to go, & I needed to pay. Every time this happens I think, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

As much as I would love to have telepathy, I don’t. I can only work with the information you’ve given me. And I’m going to assume that you’re honest with me. So unless you tell me otherwise, I’m going to continue to assume that everything is good or bad (depending on how we last left our conversation).

Some of my favorites (sarcasm) are when people are like, “Well, you should just know.” Bish, I don’t know shit. I’ve got my own hell I’m dealing with. And because I’m so focused right now on just making it through the day, I’m not gonna be perceptive or intuitive to what you’re going through. Send me a message & we’ll talk it out. I don’t understand what’s so difficult about that.

Quit playing these games & just tell me what you want. πŸ˜›

Side note: How hot is Posh/Victoria in this video? YUM!

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Cupcakes over cookies

I took a shower last night & I brushed my teeth. I know that doesn’t sound like much but for those of us with depression, that’s a huge fucking step. I forced myself to do the bare minimum with maintenance. It took everything I had & I was exhausted when I was done.

Pretty pathetic, right?

I still haven’t done my hair or makeup. I’m not ready. That & I’ll just cry it off anyway so it seems pretty useless at this point.

I’m up to losing 11 lbs in 2 weeks. It’s my red week so it’s possible it’s more than that. I’ve been vomiting & emptying out so I’ve given up on eating for now. To be honest, I’m not even hungry so it’s not a problem. My head is pounding, I’m shaky, & my vision is shit today. I’m sure that’s all related to not eating, though. I had a handful of pretzels to see how that sits.

I met with Dr. G today. She’s pretty cool. I totally cried & broke down talking about how fucked up I am. She wasn’t judgmental at all. She was genuinely concerned. She made eye contact with me. EYE. CONTACT. I know it’s her job but I miss that undivided attention on me. When I talk to anyone lately, they can’t seem to be pulled away from their phones or they’re looking around the room. I feel like I’m distracting them from something else. Like they want to be elsewhere but are stuck with me. I’ll end up sinking my head down & slithering away.

It was a good session. Our first one so it was a lot of setting up a foundation & answering her assessment. I was answering “daily” on almost all of her questions. Questions like, “How often do you think about suicide?” or “How often do you feel worthless?” She gave me some homework & we set up our next appointment for Mon. I’m also gonna see about getting my meds tweaked on Mon as well so that should help.

I’ve been feeling very inadequate & insecure today. And not just from therapy. That just made me feel more guilty & ashamed for voicing out the thoughts that are in my head. No, this is more like, “Meh. You’re okay. Not quite good enough but I guess you’ll do.”Β  Kinda like when you really want a cupcake but they’re out of your favorite so you get a cookie instead? Like that. I’m the forgotten cookie. I don’t quite hit your craving but I’ll work in a pinch.

And it doesn’t seem to matter that I’m the Giving Tree of cookies. I’m not the cupcake. That’s all there is to it. And it doesn’t matter what how sweet or tasty I am. You want the silky frosting & bright sprinkles. I get it. So you pull out your wallet & think, “I guess I’ll just get the cookie.” You’re disappointed & trying to make peace with your decision.

That tug you feel inside right now? Yeah. That’s exactly how I feel. Feels like rejection, right? Ugh.

If this isn’t me, I don’t know what is:

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