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One day at a time…

So my weekend was a little rough. And short. My God, I feel like I blinked & it was over. I feel like I need another day or two to rest & get caught up on laundry. Blecch.

Anyway, I wanted to take a few minutes & share with you what I’m working on. As you know, I’m a planner. I need goals & deadlines or I’ll feel stagnant & unproductive. They also keep me from getting too low because I can keep myself focused on the task at hand. It’s honestly just the way I’m wired. My SO will be bothered by it & ask me why I’m constantly working on projects. “Because I have to.” That’s as simple as I can explain it. I’m sure it has to do a lot with my personality as well as mental illnesses but it is what it is.

Knowing how I am, you can imagine how I’m struggling with things that I have to take one day at a time. I don’t do that. I set a goal & I destroy it. So to take certain areas of my life on a day-to-day basis is really difficult for me.

“What areas are you talking about?”

Well, take my mental health, for example. I would love to say, “No panic attacks this week!” but I can’t. I can’t control that, & believe me, I’ve tried. But the things I can control – going to therapy, taking my meds, distracting myself, whatever – are the little daily changes that help me reach that goal.

It reminds me of what my good friend JH once said:

Every day, we take baby steps. After a while, you look back & realize you’ve made some progress. It doesn’t happen overnight but it does happen. It doesn’t matter how small you’re moving as long as you keep moving.

She’s very smart. 🙂

Yes, the big decisions can affect our lives. But I’m finding that the small day-to-day decisions are what’s shaping my destiny. Whether if that’s going to the gym or choosing to not engage in others’ toxicity, these little short steps are leading to a better & brighter future. Even if I can’t see it now, one day I’ll be able to look back & see how far I’ve come.

And I’ll get there. One step at a time. One day at a time. One decision at a time.

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Pain

I’m in a lot of pain. Emotionally & physically.

Let’s start with physically:

Last Friday, I was at the gym & I noticed my left hand/wrist was kinda sore. I figured I just kinda tweaked it from the weights & I would be fine with a day or two off. By Wednesday, I found myself massaging my hand in between sets. Doesn’t seem like a good sign, right? It’s not discolored & just a little swollen so I definitely did something painful to it. My guess is a strain or some kind.

So I bought a brace & I’ve been trying to baby it ever since then. But sometimes, stupid shit happens. Take last night for example. I was out at my bar with some friends. I went to the bathroom & I go to wash my hands because I’m not disgusting. 😉 I tried to turn the faucet on & pain shot through my hand & down into my wrist. Holy fuck. I carefully washed my hands, returned to the table, & softly cried while using my cold drink to ice my hand.

It’s not like I can’t use it either. Little things like going to the bathroom, tying my shoes, buckling up in the car have become obstacles. I feel like I’m gonna lose my progress at the gym. I haven’t gone since Wednesday which is weird. I think I’ll go on Monday & see how much I can modify.

Oh, the best part? It’s my Red Week. Yep. So trying to take care of that nonsense one-handed.

Onto emotionally:

I had a HUGE fight with a friend last night. I don’t even remember how it started or how things got so heated so fast. I do remember both of us screaming at the other on the phone. I remember crying out of anger & for not being heard. And then I had a panic attack.

Sigh. I’ve been doing so good. And then this happens…

And I really don’t want to get into what happened last night. I put myself out there & got rejected. Hard. It’s a deep, deep pain. I’ve been nauseated & crying on & off all day. It’s cutting me to my core.

As someone who was verbally abused all the fucking time growing up, it’s too reminiscent of my childhood. They don’t see it as such but they don’t know the damage that was inflicted. The demons are back & they’re loud: You’re not good enough. Once again, someone who swore they wouldn’t leave left. You’re better off alone. Why do you even bother? And so on & so forth.

Being honest: I’m having a hard time breathing. I’m looking at my Xacto & thinking about sticking it in my thigh. I’m not going to but the desire is strong.

I don’t do rejection. I especially don’t do it with people who swore they were different. They said they understood. They said they could relate. They said they would never leave.

And then they walked out.

They didn’t even fucking try. They just let me go. Because that’s how little I mean to them. I’m just another broken promise.

I’m tired of putting myself out there. I really let my walls down for them. I revealed deep, dark areas of my soul.

I will not make that mistake twice.

Love this:

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Gains!

I’ve been actively lifting weights 3x/week for about 8 weeks now. It’s not something I’ve opened up & talked about since I don’t want to be flooded with opinions masquerading as “advice.” I’m doing a program, I’m being smart, & I’m seeing progress.

This morning, I squatted 135 lbs. That’s a 45-lb plate on each side of the bar. I felt hella proud. I don’t think I’ve squatted a plate since high school. It was a great milestone for me. 🙂

It feels good to be getting into physical health. It’s amazing how being on the right medication gives me the mental ability to keep going forward. I have the energy now & the willpower to stay with this. I can’t tell you how huge that is to me. I’ve struggled for YEARS with not knowing what was wrong with me. Didn’t seem to matter what I did or read or ate or anything, I couldn’t do it. Kinda sad, right? At least, I have it “fixed” now & I can continue moving forward.

My weight’s still around 20 lbs lost but I can tell I’m looking smaller. My clothes are fitting better & I’m starting to see some definition in some areas. When I’m upset or angry or frustrated, my first thought is to go to the gym. Go work it out. So if I start looking like a fitness model, you can imagine how frustrated I’ve been. 😉

Kidding…but only sorta… 😉

Love this!

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November Goals

Well, it’s the 6th so I should just jump right into these, yes?

– A snapshot –

SPIRITUAL:  5 → 6
MENTAL: 5 → 6
PHYSICAL: 4 → 6
SOCIAL: 7 → 7 (maintain)
CAREER: 7 → 7 (maintain)
FINANCIAL: 5 → 6
FAMILY: 7 → 7 (maintain)

– The details –

SPIRITUAL: 5

  • So I met with one the rabbis & it was…interesting. Traditionally, a rabbi rejects you three times before they meet with you to see if you’re serious. The fact Rabbi B met with me the first time is a good sign. However, it was a little rough so I’m not sure how I feel…
  • GOAL: To think things over & decide what path I wanna take. Whether if that’s following their advice or otherwise…

MENTAL: 4

  • 1) Dr. H upped me to 200 & I’m feeling really good. I haven’t had any panic attacks or super, super low moments.  2) I haven’t read in a while. This area has totally sucked. 3) And I haven’t done jack shit about my bedtime. Let’s fix that, too.
  • GOAL: 1) Continue with therapy. Especially since we’re getting into some rough shit now. Ugh. 2) READ! 3) To get ready & prepare for bed earlier so that I’m in bed by midnight. Yes, the same goal as last month. I need to do it.

PHYSICAL: 4

  • 1) Weight hasn’t really changed but I’m definitely smaller. I started adding cardio to my weightlifting this week so we’ll see how that goes. 2) I wanna say I did about 80-85% of no added sugar. That’s pretty good, right?
  • GOAL: To continue working out & using that to help me deal with the day-to-day stresses.

SOCIAL: 7

  • I feel like I’ve got a good group of good friends. Things are easier & happier & are working great. Yay! 🙂
  • GOAL: To maintain my friendships & to stay the course. I’m gonna use any extra time towards my other goals.

CAREER: 7

  • Finished the paperwork for Job #3 & I’ve already been there a few times to sub. Get that bread! Haha!
  • GOAL: To continue to put my best foot forward for all students.

FINANCIAL: 5

  • I didn’t pay off Amazon but I did throw a giant chunk at it so that’s good. I’m thinking about going super strict on my spending & budget again. I need to think that over about how strict I wanna go…
  • GOAL: To throw gobs of money at my debts so that I don’t feel quite as defeated financially as I currently do. :/

FAMILY: 7

  • Things are good! Let’s keep it going!
  • GOAL: To spend 20 minutes a day taking care of the house before I go to bed so that I’m not stressed in the morning. 🙂

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35 goals – 3rd quarter update

I know, I know. I’m waaaaaay behind on this quarter’s update. Whatevs. Here we go:

The ones in green are new for this quarter. Update #1. Update #2.

1 – *Ongoing. See below for details.
2 – Personal (easy goal)
3 – 30 minutes of meditation
4 – Raise the standard with tap classes & put on a clean performance for recital
5 – Pay off CC #1
6 –
7 – Pay off CC #3
8 – Save x amount of money
9 – Monthly get-togethers with my family
10 – Schedule monthly get-togethers with LH
11 –
12 –
13 –
14 –
15 –
16 –
17 – Personal (easy)
18 –
19 – Nose ring
20 – Personal (easy)
21 – Personal (easy)
22 – Personal (easy)
23 – Personal (easy)
24 –
25 –
26 –
27 –
28 –
29 –
30 – Find a temple
31 –
32 – Better teaching job(s)
33 –
34 –
35 –

* I want to read 12 books this year. So far, I’ve read:

  • Furiously Happy
    • Had some funny parts but her ADHD was a little aggravating
  • And Then There Were None
    • My all-time favorite! I’ve lost count how many times I’ve read it!
  • Man’s Search for Meaning
    • So good. Again, I’ve read it before & I fell in love. I had to stop & cry a few times. It’s so powerful
  • Art of War
    • A great classic
  • 5 Second Rule
    • Love this book! It’s all about how you are sabotaging your own happiness & goals by getting in your own way.

Okay, so I know I’m way behind on my goals as well. But if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. At least I got whatever accomplished, right?

And on that note, I’m gonna read!

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Musical therapy

I woke up really early this morning, determined to channel this frustration/angry/pain into something productive. I told myself that today is the day I’m finishing up a few small projects around the house…but after I got some adequate rest. 😉

I woke up again an hour or two later & decided to get going. I took a shower, cracked open a Bang, & moved my ass. Since then, I’ve been go-go-go! I’m taking a little break to let you know how I’m doing.

Currently, I’m deep cleaning my house & listening to angsty 90s music. There’s nothing quite like vacuuming whilst listening to someone like Alice in Chains blasting through your earbuds. 🙂

And in a weird way, it’s helping me. Music is a wonderful source of therapy for me. I let myself get lost in the rhythm & the lyrics carry me away to my Happy Place. Much like the Biblical King Saul, it calms me down, helps me relax, & probably lowers my blood pressure. I don’t wanna kill my David anymore so that’s good, right? 😉 #BibleJoke

I’m also taking this day “off” from stressful situations & the people who are triggering them right now. I’m pulling back & trying to just focus on the task at hand & ignoring the world. Everyone else can wait. My needs are important too & that’s my only priority right now.

Having said that, I’m gonna jump back into things. ❤

These crack me up! Hahaha! Enjoy!

 

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Pushed

I know, I know. I’ve been AWOL. I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit recently. I’m here now & I’m gonna be posting more often. Possibly multiple posts a day. I’ve been busy with work (all 3, actually) & at the same time, working on me & my relationships with others. And maybe later I’ll get into all of that. Right now, though, I’m pissed & I need to work this out before I do something I’ll regret.

You ready? Here we go:

Un-fucking-believable. I’m literally speechless. I’ve been sitting here shaking my head with my mouth hung open for a while.

It blows my mind how fucking clueless people can be. I have this friend & for the past few months, they’ve been hellbent on pushing me out of their life. I’m seriously the only one who is left standing when everyone else has bailed. Including their SO. But I’ve been here because that’s the kind of friend I am. I’ve given my blood, sweat, & tears for them. I’ve loaned money, given precious time, been a shoulder to cry on. Anything & everything they could ever need, I’ve done it.

*chuckles to self & then sighs*

But I’m done. Right now, I’m honestly not sure if we’re even friends at this point. I’ve so fucking hurt & upset & they don’t seem to be fazed.

“Have you told them?”

Oh, ad nauseam. They’re not blind to how I feel. I’ve spelled it out plainly that a 4-year-old would get it. Repeatedly. I don’t play games. I say what I mean. Still, no change.

“What do you need?”

Some goddamn respect would be great & to not be treated as an option. I feel like my friendship has been taken advantage of because “SC is always there. I can depend on her. It doesn’t matter what happens.”

I’ve been the only one who’s been pursuing our friendship, the only one who is trying to work through our differences like fucking adults. But they don’t want to do that. They dodge my calls, tell me they’re busy or they don’t want to talk about it, & then wonder why I’m being “dramatic.”

Bitch, I’m dramatic because you fucking pushed me here.

I’ve been patient & understanding. I’ve forgiven them multiple times. I’ve tried to move forward but they keep pushing me back. One step forward, two steps back. Every. Single. Time.

I’m not gonna beg to keep them in my life. I’m worth it or I’m not. I told them that I’m done. I’m done talking. I’m done fighting for us. I’m done caring when they clearly don’t. I’m not some friendship “side piece” to keep around when it’s convenient for them. I have my own needs, wants, & desires. Bitch, I’m fucking fabulous & you will never meet anyone who loves & cares for you as deeply as I do.

You wanna be alone? Fine. Be alone. Maybe then you’ll realize everything I did for you.

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Coping

I woke up with chest pains & emptying out. Because I guess one isn’t hellish enough? :/ I’m under a stupid amount of stress lately. What am I stressed about? Anything and everything. My weight, my finances, my relationships, my jobs – shit, my life.

So guess how I’ve been coping? Alcohol. Like a lot. The last 5 times I’ve gone out (in a week, mind you), I’ve spent roughly $400. On booze. That’s fucking ridiculous. I don’t have that kind of money. Why am I doing this?

“Wait, I thought you were drying out?”

Yeah, I did. I was, whatever. And then shit hit the fan and now I’m coping with alcohol versus food. I’ve been going to the gym a lot and I’m starting to see the results of that, like my clothes are fitting a lot better, which is good. The scale isn’t doing shit so I’m drinking. I see the irony, & yes, I don’t need to be reminded of it. It’s already there in my mind.

I’m not eating that much again. I’m kinda back to a meal & a half a day. I’m just not hungry. Again, stress. I did just eat half a sandwich. Maybe I’ll eat the other half for dinner. We’ll see.

Work has been non-fucking-stop. I find myself completely overwhelmed & barely making it through. My days are flying by yet I’m still chasing after my moving goal post. IF I’m getting everything done I have to get done, it’s barely happening. Like by the skin of my teeth. I have no wiggle room & that stresses me the fuck out. Shit like making it to work with like 2 minutes to spare & then having to go balls-to-the-wall for hours.

I hate it. I can’t seem to relax or unwind.

When it’s time for me to sleep, my mind is whirling. And when I do finally fall asleep, I’m having nightmares. I can’t escape.

On top of all of this, one of my close friends is going through a rough breakup. Like their ex straight up ghosted them & they’re left holding the pieces. The whole situation really sucks. It does. But my mind is straight in a vindictive & problem-solving mode right now. Again, stress-related. I’m sure I’m not helping them but this is the best I can offer.

I talked to Dr. G about it yesterday. She stopped me to say, “SC, that’s a lot to take on.” I brushed it off, “Well, yeah, but they’re going through a lot & if I can help, I will.” She quietly exhaled through her nose & said, “That’s a big responsibility on you. How are you handling it?” I thought I was fine & I told her as such. It didn’t really hit me until late last night that I’m not. I’m really stressed out & I have no way to rid myself of it.

Correction, I do, but I’m trying to avoid certain vices. But I’m at the breaking point so I might just say, “Fuck it” & go on. Embrace the chaos & what not.

I don’t know. I’ve got a lot of balls in the air & I’m juggling them by myself. I don’t want to bother someone else with it. Last time I tried, I was told to just see a therapist because “I’m too much.” So I’m kinda done reaching out. I’m not mad at them; it’s just where they are.

And where am I? I’m over here… Coping…

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Walking away

I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in a while. It’s nothing personal. I’ve been so swamped at work that nothing else has been getting done. :/ But I do have some time now, so let me get you caught up with what’s in my mind.

I’ve noticed this trend happening in not only my life but some of my friends’ lives as well. Where’s the line between forgiveness & stupidity? How many times do you forgive someone for making the same mistake? When does grace run out?

For one friend, it was when the police showed up. For another, it was when she was trying to covering up her bruises with makeup & long sleeves. For another, it was when his wife left.

For me, I think it’s now.

I make myself readily available to anyone who needs me because I know what it’s like to feel alone & broken. I drop everything & give my all. But it isn’t appreciated. My needs are still pushed off. There’s always some excuse, some reason why my desires aren’t important right now. I’ve been told everything from “soon” to “later” to “next week” but there is no follow through. These are just words said to appease me, to keep me on hold in hopes that I stick around.

I feel like a fool. I’ve tried over & over to be patient, to be loving, to be understanding. I’m the only one here for them. Everyone else is gone. Instead of being here with me, they’re focused on chasing ghosts.

Sigh.

I don’t feel important. I don’t feel needed. I don’t feel wanted. They claim they need me in their lives but their actions say otherwise. It makes me think of this Rick & Morty line, “You don’t miss me. You just miss the person who loved you so much, you didn’t have to love them back.”

I even told them I had one foot out the door to stress my seriousness. And yet, they don’t bother to chase me or to make amends or to make any positive changes. Instead, they canceled our plans.

I guess it’s my time to go. I don’t get it but whatever. This is their decision.

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