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Uppers & downers

So today’s post isn’t in reference to drugs per se. Don’t be worried. 🙂 

As you may or may not know, I’m a big fan of Bang. So much so, I finally bit the bullet & decided to get a monthly shipment (cheaper & easier). It kicks the pants off of Xyience & you know how much I loved Xyience. So for the past few months, my day basically starts with a Bang (see what I did there?). Not every day, mind you, but most days.

95% of the time, that’s fine. There’s no problem & I really appreciate the extra boost to get me through the day. Sweet nectar of the gods. 😉

But 5% of the time, anxiety becomes this hyper-inflated bitch thanks to all the caffeine.  I’ve had to ward off panic attacks a lot sooner than usual. My window to take something for it is much smaller as I painfully discovered. And so, I’ve had to take Klonopin while “on” a Bang. Lemme tell you what happens – they cancel each other out. I’m not energized nor am I relaxed. I’m just here. I’m out a pill & a drink but at least my chest doesn’t feel like it has an alien in it.

And much like taking a Klonopin while I have Bang surging through me, I find myself being “canceled out” with some situations. I’m not angry or putting up a fight. I’m not emotional & pleading my case. I’m just done. I feel neutral about the issue which is new.

I used to have this friend (JP). Oh boy. She was a drama mama. Her world was always crashing & burning. ALWAYS. I felt like I was trying to put out a forest fire with a water balloon. I stressed myself out all the time with trying to be whatever she needed. We weren’t friends long (a handful of months), but believe me, it was long enough.

I feel like I’m at this chapter of my life where I’m done putting up with bullshit like that. I’m not angry. I’m past that stage, thankfully. I’m not gonna fight to clear my name either. I’m not putting my life on hold anymore. I just pick up my toys & go home. “Piss or get off the pot” has been my inner motto.

I know I’ve talked about this before but I’m noticing a new twist to it. Instead of this gradual shift into me not giving a fuck, much like taking an upper & a downer, it’s more like the two are neutralized. My recovery is much faster & I’m moving on to bigger & better things.

I mean, this analogy isn’t just for my relationships. I find it in all areas of my life. And because I’m making these quick decisions, I’m happier & healthier. There’s very little now I’m allowing to stew in my mind & to think things over. I’m more going with a gut reaction.

For the first time, I’m noticing there isn’t this internal conflict anymore. Or at least, not as much. It reminds me of chemistry – I don’t feel like sodium & water anymore.

Progress. 🙂

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Spoon Theory

Christine Miserando brilliantly explains what life is like when you suffer from a chronic or mental illness. The short version is this: It’s like you start your day with 10 spoons. Each spoon represents your energy level. You got out of bed & that cost you a spoon. Now, you have 9. With me so far? Let’s say you took a shower & that was 2 spoons. Then you had to go to work, walk the dog, & pick up dry cleaning & all of that was 7 spoons. By the end of the day, you’re out of spoons. You have nothing left to give. Some days, going to work is 4 spoons. Other days, it’s more like 2. It just depends on how you’re doing.

I’ve been thinking about this theory lately & how it perfectly describes how I feel. Some days, I’m really productive. I have a lot of good energy going & my motivation is strong. I can make my 20 spoons (or whatever) last me until I go to bed at night.

But then I have days, like lately, when I feel like I only start with 5 spoons. And sometimes, that only takes me so far & I have to ration them out. By the afternoon, I’m exhausted & out of spoons. I haven’t been sleeping well so I’ve been taking naps the last few days. Those give me an extra spoon or two to make it through to the evening. I’m sure if I had a good night’s sleep or two, that would help reset some things.

I don’t feel really low which is HUGE. Six months ago, I would feel very depressed & probably suicidal. So I know I’m making progress. 🙂 But I’m still working through this. I’m not 100% better. I don’t feel discouraged but I do feel weak. My mind isn’t gone but it is in a fog. I am still taking my meds & going to therapy & doing what I need to do. I don’t feel alone but I do want to be alone just so I can rest.

It’s not personal. I’m just low on spoons. That’s all.

And it really has nothing to do with the New Year. I’m usually very motivated this time of year as are most people. I went to the gym on Monday (first time in 3 weeks!). My gym was renovating so I couldn’t do everything I wanted to do but in the words of the fabulous Tim Gunn, I made it work. 🙂 I already knew I wasn’t gonna go yesterday because I fucking HATE crowds. I don’t need to have a panic attack in a packed gym. I planned on going this morning but I slept only a handful of hours & decided to sleep instead. I do have some free weights here at home so maybe I’ll use those later. Keyword: later.

Right now, I think I’m gonna lie down & read for a bit. I can’t really think straight so I know I’ve hit a wall. I need to shut down & save my last spoon or two for the evening.

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2019 Resolutions

Isn’t this design cool? God, people are so talented!

So it’s that time of year again when we reflect back on the past year & look forward to see what all we want to accomplish.

Being the person I am, I could EASILY sit here & write several pages of areas I need to improve on. I’m constantly trying to push myself to be better (as you know). In my mind, I’m never good enough. And yes, I’m working on it in therapy. 🙂

But knowing all of that, I realized what I actually need to do this year & that’s take some time off. LH goes to sunny Mexico every year to relax & get away. Genius. LC takes mini trips all over the States to go to dance conventions or to get away with her hubs. Ugh, totally jealous. And I have other friends who get away for the weekend to recharge.

I finally decided, “You know what? I deserve that, too.”

So this year, I’m gonna work on taking little mini vacations & to give my mind, body, & soul permission to relax.

I’m not sure where & when I’m gonna go. I mean, it took me a while to get to this point where I felt like it was “okay” for me to do so. I’m thinking quarterly mini vacations, going to different cities or 2-3 days to just be.

As always, I’ll let you know what I decide. 🙂 Here’s to a happy & prosperous year!

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Mini rewards

I mentioned earlier how Dr. G told me to instill some mini rewards into my life. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. What is something small that benefits me yet is enough of a carrot for me to pursue?

I started to think about little rewards around my house – my favorite cuppa, a bubble bath with candles, permission to mellow out or sleep in when my Type A/ISFJ ways think I should be go-go-go! Then I started to think about rewards that don’t cost a lot of time or money – smoothies from Smoothie King (yum!), books from the library, my favorite Bang. And maybe even bigger rewards like drinks with a friend who makes me feel loved or a cute shirt I’ve been eyeing that’s flattering on me.

I decided that I need to set up a system. Once a week is too long for me & Dr. G agrees. I haven’t quite figured out my formula yet but I did figure out a great weekly reward. I have several items in my Amazon wish list that are under $20 (most are under $10). So far my rule is: If I meet at least 80% of my goals this week, I can order myself something fun from Amazon. If I do it for 3 weeks in a row, I can order a bigger ticket item instead. 

For now, this is what I’m working towards. I know that I’m human & a perfectionist so expecting 100% is setting me up for failure & then a hard crash into despair. See? I am learning from therapy! 😉

I still need to think over & figure out a daily reward & a middle of the week reward.

Any suggestions?

No reason for today’s picture. I just thought it was funny & a great motivator! 😉

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Why I hate the holidays

I love Rihanna’s face here! Like, “Dafuq did you just say to me?!” Hahaha!

I don’t know how you get around the holidays, but for me, it’s draining. Between different meals with different family members, by Christmas evening, I’m done. True to form, I spent today not as productive as I would’ve liked because my body & mind are exhausted.

Call me Grinch. IDGAF.

All I wanna do is take a hot shower & go to bed. And I can in about 2 hours.

I meet with Dr. G tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll tell her about how exhausting it is being around family members who have a variety of fucked-up opinions & beliefs and somehow feel compelled to convert you to those same opinions & beliefs. I usually just smile & nod along because that’s easier than trying to explain to an older generation how that’s not the way the world works or “No, I don’t have to explain to you why I believe what I believe. Especially since you’re in MY HOUSE.”

Sigh…for fuck’s sake…

I usually try to find some way of coping. Alcohol, food, sleep, something. This year, I decided to do some reading. I was on the couch so I’m still “involved” when others were playing a game. And if I was engaging in conversation with someone, I just changed the topics. That’s my subtle & polite way of being like, “No, bitch. You’re not gonna win this one. Get fucking over it.”

“So what do you believe?”
– None of your goddamn business.
“I think the #MeToo movement is a bunch of whiners.”
– Said the family member who never experienced sexual assault or abuse.
“Why don’t your parents visit more?”
– Why do you give a shit? I don’t.
“People need to respect our president! He’s just doing his best!”
– Uh huh. Did you feel that way about Obama? Oh, that’s right. You didn’t.
“Did you go to a Christmas Eve service?”
– No, because I’m Jewish…
“I think you should visit my church.”
– You mean the same church I was kicked out of? Nah, fam. I’m good.
“So what is your brother doing?”
– Who the fuck cares? Again, I don’t.

And so on & so on. I’m sure I should be empathetic & realize some people are just trying to relate. But you know what? Fuck that noise. These are goddamn FAMILY MEMBERS. They know I’m the black sheep of the family. They know I’ve been going to temple. They know I didn’t vote for Trump.

They just choose to not pay attention to those details because it doesn’t line up with their beliefs. And because of that, they want to “educate” me on mine.

Shit you not, my mother was arguing with me on the phone on which day the 2nd fell on. I’m looking at a calendar & telling her & she’s telling me I’m wrong. This is what I’m up against. So no, they don’t know or care to know what I actually believe or feel about various issues. Hence the “smile & wave” tactic.

And that’s why it’s so fucking exhausting. I can’t be me. I have to be this shell of who I am because, in my mind, it keeps the peace. I count down the hours until I can go home, take off my pants, grab a blanket, & watch some Netflix.

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Yes, I’m still alive

I know I’ve been AWOL. I know.

I’ve had a crazy few weeks.

And on top of all of that, I’ve been in my head with a few things. I finally told SO the other day, “Huh. Maybe I should blog it out instead of letting it fester.” What a novel idea! 😉

I’m not sure where to start. My thoughts feel scattered. I’m sure this post will be choppy & it might take me a few days to get my feet back on the ground. But I will get you caught up on everything.

Let’s talk about my physical drama for today.

I’ve been fighting some kind of sickness for the better part of 2 weeks. It’s annoying as fuck. First, I was emptying out like no one’s business. Then, I was coughing. Today is the first day I’ve had my voice completely back. I think I’ve gone to the gym like 3x in 2 weeks. Huge fail in my book. I know, I know. I don’t want to do squats when my stomach is emptying out. I don’t want to do cardio when I can’t catch my breath just from sitting. I know all of this. And yet, I still feel weak.

I was talking to LH about it. I think we hold ourselves to higher standards & that’s why we get upset when we can’t do our normal schedule. I had created a good routine & was seeing results. Now, I’m scared to go back to square one.

Fuuuuck.

I pseudo have plans to go out to the gym tonight. TBH, I’m not sure if I will. I’m still clearing my throat a lot & blowing my nose. Maybe it’s better if I just use today as my last rest day & then start tomorrow morning…?

Does that make me wise? Or am I procrastinating? Gah! I hate this!

All I know is that I need to go take some meds because it feels like I need to blow my throat. And I guess if I’m still battling this on-going nonsense, wisdom would be to stay home.

Ugh. This shit has been dragging on & I’m over it.

So, fuck it. I’m gonna take tonight to mellow out, finish House of Cards, & hit the gym hard tomorrow.

That is the new plan!  (start at 8’55” for the full effect 😉 )

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Maladaptive daydreaming

Ever since I was a little girl, & I mean YOUNG, I’ve always been daydreaming. I remember living in Alaska & being 2-3 years old & letting my mind just wander. I would create different scenarios, different characters, & be completely happy. I would sit in my room for hours & just look at the window & pleasantly sigh. I was a very lonely child so my mind was, at times, my only friend. Isn’t that funny? Only to betray me later in life. 😉

It’s all good. I’m getting better. No need to be sad, right?

Anyway, it’s only recently I learned that this is called maladaptive daydreaming. “Mal” meaning “bad” but I don’t see it like that. I guess because it’s an escape? But to this day, I will find myself daydreaming. It doesn’t keep me from doing my job or other responsibilities so it’s not “mal” for me. It helps me relax, calm down, & unwind. When I can’t sleep, I’ll let my mind wander over to my happy place. I’ll imagine I’m at the beach with LH, sipping on the best old fashioned I’ve ever had. Or I’m on the couch with a good book & no distractions. Or I’m dancing & laughing with LC, who always makes me feel accepted just as I am. Different scenarios like that really help me.

So, for me, it’s not maladaptive. It’s “benadaptive.”  😉

I couldn’t decide which one I liked better so you get both! 🙂

 

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“The Doctor is In”

Feeling extra feisty & blunt today. Just head’s up – I’m probably not gonna make any friends with this post & I’m alright with that. 🙂

For those who are unfamiliar with Peanuts & its characters, Lucy Van Pelt is a little girl who offers “psychiatric help” for mere pennies. Charlie Brown comes to her with some issue he’s concerned about. She offers (usually) helpful advice after he happily pays her fee. It’s a nice professional relationship. He gets help, she gets paid. Everybody wins.

I was thinking about these characters the other day. Some days, I feel like Lucy. There are several “friends” who I only hear from when they need help. Sure, they’ll feign interest in my life at first but inevitably it turns to all about them. “Hey, SC! How are you? How are things?… I need your advice on something.” Sigh, sure, what’s up? I’ll begrudgingly ask. It’s never just the one time. It’s every day, all about them, & I get no benefit from it. Not even $.05. 😉

I don’t mind offering my opinion & help. I mean, that’s why I went to college & majored in psychology. However, I DO mind when I start feeling like a “free therapist.” Just like any other profession your friends may have, there’s a line between simple, free help & abuse. Don’t cross it. For example, you can ask your buddy who’s a mechanic if your carburetor is busted. Don’t expect him to fix it for free. Pay the man.

Please, don’t get me wrong. There’s a difference between venting & wanting to change & just being a whiny bitch. Venting doesn’t bother me. Never has. Sometimes you just need to get something off your chest & that’s fine. It’s healthy. Asking a friend for advice or to get their honest opinion on something you want to change is admirable. Many times they can see the answer you’re blind to. I love asking my friends & they open my eyes to something I hadn’t noticed.

HOWEVER

Daily whining, “woe is me” bullshit gets on my nerves after a while. Find an outlet or a therapist. Or both. I don’t want to hear every fucking day about your problems when I have a shit load of my own to deal with. Especially when they are the same problems you had last week, last month, last year. The issue is YOU. You don’t wanna change & you need to. Bitching about it doesn’t do shit. If you’re unhappy with your life & your situation, CHANGE IT.

You have the power to do that. Stop making excuses & wasting everyone’s time. It’s a victim mentality. Or worse, martyrdom. Hate your job? QUIT. Hate your partner? BREAK UP. Hate the way you look? EAT HEALTHY. C’mon now. You know this. You don’t need me to tell you what you already know.

And if you don’t know how, I’m more than willing to help. But I don’t help those who abuse it. This isn’t a “get out of jail free” card. You have to put in the effort & I’ll support you. If you throw a tantrum & expect a handout, you’re on your own. Bye, Felicia.

I was talking to Dr. G about this a little bit in therapy today. She said it’s good for me to distance myself with negative people. She said they are “emotional parasites & they will suck you dry.” Damn. That’s so true.

So between thinking about what she said, my own personal frustrations, talking things out with LH (God, I love her!), & feeling inspired from this book I’m reading, I decided to start applying these changes today. Again, I’m more than happy to offer you the best advice I can & I will stand by your side & support you as you work hard. I can recommend doctors, medications, things that worked/didn’t work for me, healthy outlets, & point you in the right direction. I’m always available via text, email, phone call, snail mail, smoke signal, whatever.

I will be there until the end. It’s up to you when that is.

Until then, this “doctor” is in. ❤

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December Goals

Last month of 2018! Let’s make it great!

– A snapshot –

SPIRITUAL:  6 → 7
MENTAL: 6 → 7
PHYSICAL: 6 → 7
SOCIAL: 7 → 8
CAREER: 7 → 8
FINANCIAL: 3 → 5
FAMILY: 7 → 8

– The details –

SPIRITUAL: 6

  • I’ve been doing some reading, praying, discussing, research – basically, anything I can to work through some of this. As you know, I’m trying to wipe my spiritual slate clean & start over. I’m trying to keep things easy for now. Any deep spiritual topic is immediately turning me off so these are my baby steps.
  • GOAL: To continue to research & to take things at my own speed. Sorry, Rabbi, but I’m not there yet. And you know what? That’s okay. 🙂

MENTAL: 6

  • I’ve been very strict with what I allow myself to get mentally committed to. For example, it’s not worth it to me to be sucked into some Drama Mama’s issue. They’re not gonna change & all it’s gonna do is stress me out. So pass.
  • GOAL: To continue to put my needs forward & to not be afraid to say, “no.”

PHYSICAL: 6

  • I took last week off for the gym. Between my wrist trying to fully heal & a few days of an upset stomach, I figured it was due. I went back this morning & dialed the weight down about 10%. I’m doing good. My wrist doesn’t hurt at all & my stomach is happy.
  • GOAL: To continue working out & to give myself permission to listen to my body & take time off as needed.

SOCIAL: 7

  • I have a really good group of friends. I feel like I’m finally creating real friendships with real people. Hopefully, I’m done with this flaky shit. By not engaging with others & that behavior, I think I’m naturally weeding them out.
  • GOAL: To look at my calendar & schedule times with some friends. If I don’t schedule it, it won’t happen & that’s sad. 😦

CAREER: 7

  • Things are going really well! Sometimes I have both Job #2 & Job #3 asking me to sub which is kinda nice. Nice to know that I’m needed. 🙂 Too bad I can’t be in two places at once, right? I am subbing a good amount for the next few weeks so we’ll see how that goes.
  • GOAL: To challenge my students as well as myself before the winter break. Maybe offer some kind of contest? Hmm… I’m not sure yet.

FINANCIAL: 3

  • This has taken a hit. I’ve had a few hiccups with my pay & trying to get that all taken care of. I believe it’s all figured out now but it’s been pretty tight lately. I’m not a fan.
  • GOAL: To not give up! Keep trudging through this clusterfuck. Things will readjust here in another week. I can do this.

FAMILY: 7

  • This is one area that I feel really confident about. I’m really happy with how things are going!
  • GOAL: To use this holiday season to slow down & to love on my loved ones

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My love for villains

When I was a little girl, I used to get so annoyed with watching Disney movies. The damsel in distress was always some white blonde with blue eyes. The villain was always some olive-toned brunette. I would get irritated & say, “Why does the girl who looks like me evil?”

Representation matters, people.

I always felt the “villains” were misunderstood. Maleficent was publically rejected so no wonder she acted out. I would too. Triton fucked over Ursula so she saw an opportunity to fight back. Again, I can see it. And Shere Khan going after Mowgli? He’s a fucking tiger. That’s what they do!

It wasn’t until I was freshly 11 years old when I felt what I assume other children of Aryan races felt by Disney movies. I watched “Beauty & the Beast” & was immediately captivated. Belle was a brunette who loved to read & was judged by everyone else around her. Same, fam. Here was a heroine I could relate to.

The next year or so, Aladdin came out. Another brunette – of color, no less! – but Jasmine was portrayed as this glorified sex kitten to be married off at 16. Sad trombone. Not at all what I was looking for.

But Belle! She & I had instantly connected. I had the Barbie couple set (Again, a Barbie that wasn’t a blonde was huge for me) that I played with nonstop. I watched the VHS so much that it wouldn’t play right. I had books, cassette tapes, sticker books, & any other form of print media I could get my hands on. I started to wear my hair in a low pony with a blue ribbon around it. If I had a blue dress, I would wear it out.

I couldn’t get enough.

But time moved on & new movies came out. Once again, I didn’t relate with any of the characters (until Mulan came out like the badass motherfucker that she is!). Belle is still the one for me. Even typing this out, I have a Funko Pop of Belle in her iconic blue dress on top of my monitor. 🙂

But she is the only heroine in the midst of villains. There are some I still feel a connection towards. Morticia & Wednesday Addams are serious goals even though they’re not technically villains. Megamind & Elsa in “Frozen” speak to my soul like no one else.

Of course, Maleficent is up there really high for me. I felt like she was cast out among the village just for being herself. Then when she shows up for the birth of the new princess, she gets some major attitude. What the fuck, right? She’s venturing out & trying to socialize. And so, she’s like, “Fuck it. Y’all want to be dicks? Fine. Suck on this.” and goes HAM.

God, I LOVE IT! Power, man. It’s like a drug. I can totally see her lashing out & just feeding off of their fear.

Sigh… Just perfect.

Get your revenge, Maleficent. Show them who’s boss.

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