Unpause

Hey

It’s been a hot minute. I’ve had a lot of changes. Some good, some bad. I’ve been thinking about writing for a long time but I wasn’t ready. I just needed a break. A long break, at that.

So why today?

Well, to be honest, today is a really, really bad day. I’m mentally & emotionally exhausted. I have nothing left to give to anyone anymore. I don’t have the energy to keep up with half-ass friendships or former acquaintances. I can’t even fake it. I’m not feigning interest or empathy. I’m dissociating or just giving it all up. I’m brokenhearted, overwhelmed, overstimulated, & unappreciated.

Someone told me today, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” My issue isn’t that my cup is empty. I don’t have a cup anymore. I’ve given everything I am to others. And for what? There’s nothing left.

I’ve been sitting in silence lately. No podcasts, no Audible, no music. Just the natural sounds around me. I left work after 2 hours today. I just couldn’t pretend anymore.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, like creating my own personal policies (next post?) because I feel like I’m starting over again. Maybe it’s because I’ve got a milestone birthday in just over a week. I don’t know.

I’m tired of games. I’m tired of office politics. I’m tired of waiting on others to get their shit together. I’m tired of pretending like I’m okay when I’m not.

“Just be yourself” – okay, well, this is me. If you cut me, I bleed. I’m done acting like it doesn’t hurt anymore. So I’m rearranging my priorities. We’ll see what happens.