Today’s post is written for those I hurt. No fun gifs or anything today as this is for them. I want them to understand that I am serious about changing for the better.
So Saturday was…interesting. I’m sure you were like, “Okay, she’s having fun” or whatever. But to me, it was different. And dangerous.
Let’s get into it:
If you didn’t know, I’ve had a really hard month. I’m not saying this excuses my behavior because it doesn’t, but I think it was just fuel on the fire.
Friday was my last day at Job #1. I put in my notice & was told I was done that day. I start a new job in a few weeks but the amount of stress I’ve had with Job #1 has been ridiculous. I don’t really want to get into it right here because it’ll feel like I’m making a bunch of excuses. To sum it up, I’m calling it professional gaslighting, stonewalling, & bullying. We’ll leave it at that for now.
I usually stop around 4 drinks. Five is the absolute max. Lately, I’ve had 1 or 2. I probably had closer to 10 on Saturday. I do have a binge eating disorder & I just kept drinking. I didn’t give a fuck about anyone anymore. I was determined to burn ALL the bridges & I think I did a pretty good job.
I was with one of my best friends, MB, & I hurt her deeply. I was a shitty friend & an absolute asshole. In fact, when I look back at it, it doesn’t even feel like it was me. It feels like a dream or that it happened to someone else, not me. I know that sounds weird but if you’ve ever dissociated, you know exactly what I mean (Just as a side note: I haven’t been diagnosed with a dissociative identity disorder. As far as I know, I don’t have alters but I clearly have the tendency to “check out” & be destructive. Take from that what you will).
I’m embarrassed, ashamed, & thoroughly upset with my actions. I wasn’t “me” but a selfish, bratty version of me. I’ve spent years working on myself in therapy, with meditation, & with my Jewish studies. I felt like I just destroyed all of that. It was like ALL my insecurities came out via word vomit. I spent Sunday crying & debating on taking my life. I am forever thankful for CR for talking with me all day & keeping me from doing any more damage. She is the reason I’m still here.
It’s not pretty but it’s honest.
I’m too old for this shit. And so, I decided it was time for me to be sober. I don’t have an endgame as I’m just taking this one day at a time. I do know that I need to work on my own pain without inflicting any on others. I know I’m not an alcoholic but I also know that I clearly am not in the right headspace to deal with any type of substance. I’m very “all or nothing” so it’s time to be “nothing” with alcohol.
I’ve had a friend or two suggest AA for help. I appreciate the thought but I’m not sure that’s the right avenue for me. I know why I did what I did & I’m already seeking amends…
To those I texted asshole comments, I’m deeply sorry. Please know that is NOT how I feel about you. I was in a self-destructive spiral & pushed everyone away. I was completely in the wrong & I am sorry. You are wonderful & incredible. My insecurities spewed out & more than likely left you in a confusing haze. It has nothing to do with you & everything to do with me. I’m really sorry.
To those I texted random-ass pics & videos, I’m sorry. You probably just thought I was having fun when I was spinning out of control. I should have left you alone instead of disrupting your evening. It was wrong of me & I’m so sorry. I should’ve been more responsible.
To MB, ZM, & CG – I hurt you the most. I love you all so, so much & I did the most damage. I was selfish & dangerous. I pushed you away when you cared for me. I will make it up to you & make things right. I swear you will never have to experience that demon again. I was wrong & inconsiderate & I’m deeply ashamed. I love you & I’m incredibly sorry.
Please forgive me. I would love to start over & wipe the slate clean. For those I hurt, I’m here if you’d like to talk about it.
I sincerely apologize for my actions. I love you all.