My new journey towards sobriety

Today’s post is written for those I hurt. No fun gifs or anything today as this is for them. I want them to understand that I am serious about changing for the better.

Hey –

So Saturday was…interesting. I’m sure you were like, “Okay, she’s having fun” or whatever. But to me, it was different. And dangerous.

Let’s get into it:

If you didn’t know, I’ve had a really hard month. I’m not saying this excuses my behavior because it doesn’t, but I think it was just fuel on the fire.

Friday was my last day at Job #1. I put in my notice & was told I was done that day. I start a new job in a few weeks but the amount of stress I’ve had with Job #1 has been ridiculous. I don’t really want to get into it right here because it’ll feel like I’m making a bunch of excuses. To sum it up, I’m calling it professional gaslighting, stonewalling, & bullying. We’ll leave it at that for now.

I usually stop around 4 drinks. Five is the absolute max. Lately, I’ve had 1 or 2. I probably had closer to 10 on Saturday. I do have a binge eating disorder & I just kept drinking. I didn’t give a fuck about anyone anymore. I was determined to burn ALL the bridges & I think I did a pretty good job.

I was with one of my best friends, MB, & I hurt her deeply. I was a shitty friend & an absolute asshole. In fact, when I look back at it, it doesn’t even feel like it was me. It feels like a dream or that it happened to someone else, not me. I know that sounds weird but if you’ve ever dissociated, you know exactly what I mean (Just as a side note: I haven’t been diagnosed with a dissociative identity disorder. As far as I know, I don’t have alters but I clearly have the tendency to “check out” & be destructive. Take from that what you will).

I’m embarrassed, ashamed, & thoroughly upset with my actions. I wasn’t “me” but a selfish, bratty version of me. I’ve spent years working on myself in therapy, with meditation, & with my Jewish studies. I felt like I just destroyed all of that. It was like ALL my insecurities came out via word vomit. I spent Sunday crying & debating on taking my life. I am forever thankful for CR for talking with me all day & keeping me from doing any more damage. She is the reason I’m still here.

It’s not pretty but it’s honest.

I’m too old for this shit. And so, I decided it was time for me to be sober. I don’t have an endgame as I’m just taking this one day at a time. I do know that I need to work on my own pain without inflicting any on others. I know I’m not an alcoholic but I also know that I clearly am not in the right headspace to deal with any type of substance. I’m very “all or nothing” so it’s time to be “nothing” with alcohol.

I’ve had a friend or two suggest AA for help. I appreciate the thought but I’m not sure that’s the right avenue for me. I know why I did what I did & I’m already seeking amends…

To those I texted asshole comments, I’m deeply sorry. Please know that is NOT how I feel about you. I was in a self-destructive spiral & pushed everyone away. I was completely in the wrong & I am sorry. You are wonderful & incredible. My insecurities spewed out & more than likely left you in a confusing haze. It has nothing to do with you & everything to do with me. I’m really sorry.

To those I texted random-ass pics & videos, I’m sorry. You probably just thought I was having fun when I was spinning out of control. I should have left you alone instead of disrupting your evening. It was wrong of me & I’m so sorry. I should’ve been more responsible.

To MB, ZM, & CG – I hurt you the most. I love you all so, so much & I did the most damage. I was selfish & dangerous. I pushed you away when you cared for me. I will make it up to you & make things right. I swear you will never have to experience that demon again. I was wrong & inconsiderate & I’m deeply ashamed. I love you & I’m incredibly sorry.

Please forgive me. I would love to start over & wipe the slate clean. For those I hurt, I’m here if you’d like to talk about it.

I sincerely apologize for my actions. I love you all.

Sarah