Oh, man. It’s been a hot minute. I’ve missed talking to you & I wanna get you all caught up. I’ve got a lot on my mind & my poor friends are probably sick of me bitching to them. So in no particular order, let’s dive into my book of latest short stories. This will be a multi-parter as there’s been a bit:
STORY 1: AN OLD FRIEND
For privacy reasons, I’ll be sticking with nonbinary pronouns. No names as this is a fresh wound, so to speak.
I randomly reconnected with an old friend from high school. I had a huge crush on them for a while. We immediately dove right in where we had left off 20+ years ago. We tried to make small talk for a minute or two before they (thankfully) moved on to the question I’ve wanted to know for years – why didn’t we ever hook up? They thought I wasn’t interested (I was) & I thought they weren’t interested (they were). Classic high school, right? Had one of us just been like, “Look, I think we’d be great together” who knows what would have happened?
Sexual attraction aside, their heart is still solid gold. OMG. I can’t tell you how much that made me happy. They were always so kind, gentle, & sensitive. I had hoped they hadn’t lost that with age & they didn’t. I used to light up when they sent me an IM (aging myself lol). And here I was again, 20-something years later, feeling like a giddy school girl again.
So while this seems like a fairytale story, it doesn’t have a fairytale ending. Turns out they were talking to me because of “liquid courage” (which is fine because I was drinking too). But the next day, they were feeling all guilty & ashamed as if we had slept together & not told our partners (when all we did was talk). They immediately backed off & threw up all kinds of walls. Yeah. It hurt. I felt like I was 16 all over again.
I had a close friend read parts of the convo. Did I say something wrong? Did I do anything I shouldn’t have? Why are they guilty? Why does this keep happening? She thought it was fine as well & there was nothing to feel guilty about. I agreed.
At least with this person, they admitted their old feelings & I got some closure there, but it’s not as if I’m gonna show up & break up their current relationship. I don’t understand why people get so weird with attraction. They told me three, count them THREE, times how much they love their significant other. Like damn. I get it. But again, I’m not asking you to leave them & be with me. We were just talking. Calm the fuck down.
I don’t understand this knee-jerk, guilt-ridden reaction. Is your leash that short? You can’t talk to anyone you used to have a crush on? We didn’t even date! Not that I didn’t try because Goddamn, I tried. But when they started to date one of my best friends, I completely backed off. This is the type of person I am. Not the, “Oh, it’s been 25 years so let me break up your current life.” C’mon now.
It’s a little insulting, isn’t it? I think I would be more offended if they were assholes. But much like the last “friend” that had to cut me off for jealous reasons, I look at it more like they’re just ignorant. They’re pawns in their insecure world & they’re scared that any communication is a death sentence. Again, short leash.
So what now? Well, I don’t know. I sent them a message about 8 hours ago. We’ll see if they reply. They promised me they wouldn’t get all weird & freak out, & I made a joke to break the awkward tension. We’ll see what happens tomorrow.
STORY 2: THE EUSTACHIAN TUBE THAT WON’T DRAIN
I think I’ve told you this before but I’ve had hearing issues since childhood. I should’ve had tubes put in to help but instead, my mother chose homeopathy & I ended up with multiple ear infections.
Fast forward to now & I’m feeling my ears getting plugged up. Yet. Again. This would be the 3rd winter in a row when I’ve gotten a double ear infection that took 2 rounds of antibiotics to kill. I say “would be” because I decided I was done with GPs (nothing against them) & it was time for an ENT.
I saw an ENT & learned that my case is “interesting.” I have a retracted eardrum that won’t adjust with meds. I don’t have any issues with my nose or throat – strictly in my ears. My hearing loss isn’t from noise damage but from childhood. My eardrums are scarred but “not as bad as we think.” All of this was “interesting” which isn’t as encouraging as doctors may think it is.
I told the doc that I’m sure it could’ve been fixed when I was a child (& wasn’t) but I’m at the point now where I don’t care. Tubes, surgery, hearing aids, what the fuck ever. Just fix it so I can hear & stop getting infections.
So the plan is to have me on steroids to help drain the fluid that is currently backing up. After a day or so on that, my Eustachian tube should relax, my middle ear should adjust, & the doc can see what’s going on. Then we’ll decide what we need to do until my hearing test in January.
Although, that didn’t happen.
I finished the steroids yesterday. I’m STILL in pain. I’ve been living on handfuls of ibuprofen & a heating pad. It’s been about a month of this so I’m getting more irritated & paranoid. I’ve asked if I can use an ice pick to relieve the pressure & I was told no.
Killjoy. 😉
I have a follow-up next week but I’m gonna see if I can get in this week. It’s not just the pain & the pressure. Since my levels are off, I’m randomly dizzy & lightheaded. My equilibrium is way the fuck off. I was trying to teach tonight at class & had a hard time balancing on one foot.
Oh, another thing? I can’t pop my ears. Just builds up pressure & then nothing. It’s horrible.
Well, that’s probably enough drama for now. More stories to come!
To be continued…
finding my truth 