I was thinking about my last post & how I’ve been trying to make my peace with the fact that it’s okay to stick with what works. There might be something bigger & better out there but it’s not worth the time, energy, or drama to try to figure it out.
To piggyback on that concept, I feel like I’m working on the next level with it – I’m moving forward. Don’t get me wrong; there is still a small voice that’s like, “what if?” that I’m sure will never go away. But by pressing on, that voice is getting quieter & quieter. Or at least, it’s getting easier to ignore. I still doubt my every move but I’ll get there.
“So you’re doubting your decision on mascara?”
Well, no. The smaller pebbles are easier to remove & I believe I’ve gotten most of that taken care of. I find myself working on the various rock sizes, & with that, I’m discovering a few struggles or obstacles. It’s not as easy for me to dismiss. Some decisions take a few minutes or hours or days.
Let me explain…
One of the rocks I’m working on is not doubting my position or job performance. As a recovering perfectionist, I recently came toe-to-toe with my bosses. It’s nothing I really want to get into here so for simplicity’s sake, there’s a lot of miscommunication. They say “jump,” I ask “how high,” & they say “you know how high.” So, to stay with this metaphor, I’ve been totally guessing on my jumps & I haven’t heard anything negative so I’m assuming it’s right. Previously, I jump & was told it was too short or too high based on what others have done…but I haven’t been privy to what others have done. I’ve literally been out of the loop. So yeah. There’s been a lot of me feeling left out, flying blind, & just a shit load of stress.
They say they like me & they still want me around. I really do love my job & I want to stay around. I honestly don’t know how I’m missing the mark. Again, there are more details but nothing I’m ready to talk about. For now, just know that my jaw is constantly sore from me clenching & that I’m trying my best. It’s been about 3-4 weeks of this. Got the visual of my daily work life? Good.
So when I’m dealing with a rock at work, I’m taking my time to make sure I offer the best solution. It takes a lot out of me because I doubt & question my decisions. It’s been weighing heavy on me mentally & socially.
But the important point here is that I’m trying. I’m not putting the rock back in the jar. I’m determined to move forward. I’m pulling it out, taking my time to deal with it, & setting it aside. I’m sure I’ll look back at this time & realize this was a smaller rock versus what feels like a larger rock but it’s okay. I’ve been dealing with pebbles up until now so anything larger than that is gonna feel huge.
And it’s okay if my answer isn’t the perfect answer. Progress over perfection, right? I take care of the rock & I move forward to the next rock. I know it will get easier with time. But for now? It’s hella draining.
finding my truth 