Being afraid

CW: eating disorders, rude-ass people

I feel like it’s been a blur of holidays. First Rosh Hashanah, then Yom Kippur, & now Sukkot – all within a blink. I get the whole “tis the season” part of it but I’m still chewing on my New Year’s resolutions. And still trying to make amends with myself & my past (ugh, teshuvah).

Shanah Tovah, right? 😉

So what am I working on for 5782? Well, me. Specifically, my physical health. There’s a lot to unpack, & even now, I can’t pull one aspect out to focus on it & properly dissect it. It’s all a jumbled mess in my mind. I’ve spent the last few days in silence & slowly mentally working through this shit.

Shit like…

  • I binge eat, especially when I’m stressed or scared. I eat to drown out the noise until it hurts. Then I eat some more. Sometimes I cry & I can’t stop. Not sure if that’s OCD or just binging. Regardless, I hate it & I feel powerless.
  • I’m afraid of succeeding. I don’t want to be treated differently.
  • I can’t get my parents’ judgmental comments about my body out of my head. My whole life they’ve made comments about me when I was too small/too big/whatever. I haven’t talked to them in 9 months but those voices are still there.
  • I don’t want to be objectified; I hate being treated like an object. I’m more than that. “You got a big booty!” No, I have a big heart. I have a big smile. I have a lot of empathy & compassion. The “booty” is secondary.
  • I’m scared that I’ll need surgery to fix some of these long-term joint issues. I can’t hide behind a layer of fat anymore. It’s taken me way too long to recover. My Achilles is still fucked.
  • I’m scared of being “the fat friend.” I look at pics & I cry. This is not who I am. It doesn’t line up with my mental healing at all.
  • I’m scared of getting in shape & being forced to face my deep beliefs that are embedded into my psyche.
  • I’m afraid of the unknown. This one is a biggie.

In short, I’m scared.

Scared Jurassic Park GIF

I’m not asking others for help or for their advice. I know what to do. It’s the mental block that I’m working through. As much as they want to help, they can’t & I need to do this alone.

Well-meaning friends try to help or make jokes but it absolutely crushes me. I had a friend a few days ago make a joke at my expense. I don’t remember it exactly but something to do with eating a whole pizza & then said, “That’s like a normal Tuesday for you, right?” Ouch. And not true at all. I tried to laugh it off & change topics but I wanted to run to the bathroom & cry.

I remember all of those cutting comments. Shit like, “I wouldn’t wear that if I had your thighs” or “These costumes won’t fit you” because I don’t wear a small. In case you’re wondering, yes, eating disorders are rampant in the dance world. I heard last week about one of my former students (who is dancing professionally) didn’t make this company because of her body. She’s not skin & bones; she’s very toned. She’s probably 130 lbs max & 5’6″. It’s ridiculous. If she can’t make it, what chance do I have?

tired fight club GIF

I was gonna go to the gym today. All day long, I’ve been emptying out. It’s a stress response. I really am scared of succeeding. I know how to fail. Failure is easy. But what if I don’t fail? Or as Dr G says, “What if it all works out?”

As you know, this is my therapy. Well, one of my avenues of therapy. A friend encouraged me to write it out so this is where I am. I hate being vulnerable & exposing my inner thoughts. My instinct is to throw up walls & push everyone out.

I’m sorry if this is all jumbled. I keep having to go back & correct my spelling. I get dyslexic when I’m stressed. Bs into Ps, Ms into Ws, & so forth.

So yeah. This is the beginning of me really coming face to face with some of these DEEP issues. For the record, I hate it.

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