Lost & floating

I know. I wanted to do my happy, little challenge & post every day. Then shit hit the fan. Why does Life happen like that?

So what happened? A few things.

One: I’ve been in a light funk. A “diet funk,” if you will. I’m not super low, super depressed but all my actions & thinking say it’s been pretty bad. Again, it’s weird to have episodes when you’re medicated. I would liken it to being in a lukewarm bath. You’re not freezing cold or letting your soul burn in the gloriously hot tub. You’re just…there.

I haven’t had the mental energy to do much of anything. All I want to do is stay in bed, sleep, & be alone. I’ve been trying to watch something I enjoy (lately, Key & Peele) to lift my mood but I find myself barely cracking a smile. It’s bizarre that’s been dragging for a week or two.

I’ve been working on random projects slowly & trying to build up some momentum. At this point, I still feel like I’m treading water. During the work day, it’s silent. I usually listen to something encouraging or upbeat music, but I haven’t done that in a while. I’m really glad I’m still remote because I don’t have it in me to be sociable lately. I’m already at 20%, y’know?

Two: I’m sure this has to do with this depressive episode, but I’m over people. I need some quiet time to process everything without having to work. Kinda like a “stay in the library for 4 hours & just be.” I’m supposed to have a department-wide outing on Friday. It’ll be the first time for me to meet these people in person (pandemic, remember?). I can tell you right now that the thought of being social & outgoing makes me literally nauseated. I’ve never been this anxious or scared over work stuff but I am. I just don’t have it in me right now to put my best foot forward. I’m sure it would be good for my career or some shit but I have too much on my plate. Which brings me to number three..

Three: I found out today that my aunt is slowly dying in ICU thanks to COVID. She’s young & one of the kindest women I know. It’s not fair. Naturally, I haven’t been able to focus on anything else. I’m ahead of my work load so I can take a day or so to process this but it’s a lot. I’ve had a few angry cries today because this was 100% preventable. I’m frustrated yet saddened. I don’t know what to do or how to grieve. From what I understand, in the course of a week, she went from being fine at home to my uncle is now having to make a choice regarding DNR. I don’t know why I was told of this just today unless it’s a matter of urgency.

Me realizing what that means…

When the inevitable happens, I don’t know if I will fly out for the funeral. She lives in a “hotspot” & that side of my family are the ones I’ve cut off. I want to be loving & supportive to my cousins who mean the world to me. How can I show love but avoid my abusers?

So yeah. It’s been difficult especially today. I have some other shit on my plate (IYKYK) but these are the top 3 contributors. I’m lost & floating out here. I really don’t know what my next step will be…

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