Bored, yet anxious

I’m so bored today at work. There’s literally nothing for me to do. And why is that? Because I’m so Type A that I’m way ahead in work. And because I work primarily in past dues & collections, I can’t so much send a notice to a vendor when they’re not late yet. 😉

So what do I do?

I’m taking care of shit on my list, around the house, & answering anything that comes in work-wise the second it arrives.

I’m scared to do anything else as I don’t want to “go idle” again. I can’t remember if I told you this or not but that was a serious concern of theirs at my review. “You’re gone for large chunks during the day.” Um, no, I’m not. I’m here. Just not moving my mouse nonstop. And because I’m remote right now, I guess that shows up as being out to see a movie or something.

This isn’t the first time I’ve “gotten in trouble” for being too efficient. If I can do an 8-hour task in 6 hours, why wouldn’t I? I don’t see the point in reinventing the wheel & I do my job correctly. I’m not cutting corners or whatever. But I feel like I’m being punished or threatened to be punished for not being slow. Is it wrong that I don’t drag my feet?

So, naturally, my anxiety spikes. I’m scared I’m going to disappoint or anger my bosses. I’m scared I’m forgetting something (even though OCD tells me I’m not because I’ve already checked multiple times). I’m scared I’m going to get in trouble. I’m scared I’m fucking up.

Every job has its downtime & uptime. For me, this is very down. I’ve worked maybe 1-2 hours of actual work today even though I’ve been on the clock for 6. I feel guilty & like I’m being sneaky or like I’m trying to scam my employer. Neither of which is true.

Ugh. I hate this.