I realized something the other day when I spoke to Dr. H – I don’t drink as much as I used to. It wasn’t ever like I craved alcohol or that I was addicted by any means. It was more of a “drink until you can’t hear those thoughts & feel those feelings anymore.” I didn’t realize this change until she asked me about it & we went over my history.
With one or two exceptions this year, I basically tap out around 2-3 drinks now. Very rarely, I get buzzed & that’s usually it. I find that I drink to relax & hang out with friends versus drowning out the internal noise. If I do drink more than that or if there’s a chance I’m gonna get drunk, I now make sure someone else is driving. On my last excursion 😉 , my friend & I both handed our keys to our driver before we even started. That’s new for me… I mean, in a good way. TBH, outside of a few years here & there, this is the most sober I’ve been in about 20 years.
I know, right?!
Previously, I would risk it because I had a death wish. I didn’t go out of my way to be reckless but I did absolutely nothing to prevent it as well. It was very obvious that I wasn’t right in the head. I don’t say this to brag or draw any attention to the changes I’ve made. Not at all. I say this more for you to be aware of those who drink more than usual. Think of “Fun Bobby” from Friends & you’ll know what I mean. 😉 They need help. Be kind, patient, & understanding with them.
But now, I find that therapy, medication, & a healthy support system have done wonders for those intrusive thoughts. Yes, they are still there but they are much quieter & I don’t feel the need to drown them in vodka or whiskey.
I know it doesn’t seem like much, but to me, this is progress. I’m down to 3-4 drinks a month versus “to start.”