CONTENT WARNING: Today’s post is for mature audiences only. Topics of sexuality can make others uncomfortable or be an unintended trigger for those who have experienced trauma. My intention for today is to destigmatize & normalize healthy sexual behavior. Discretion is advised.
DISCLAIMER: Before I get into today’s topic, I want to be honest. Full transparency & all. I got some personal, shocking news tonight. Using a train metaphor since I’m rereading Murder on the Orient Express lol.
I thought I was on the same train as someone important to me only to find out that they hopped off a few stations back. I’ve been looking throughout the cars for them & wondering what’s been going on. So now I’m alone on this train & I’m wondering if I need to get off at the next stop or keep going. If my thoughts seem scattered in today’s post, they are. But that’s why we’re here. Getting it out on paper (screen?) so it’s out of my head.
I think I started to explore my own body in high school. I knew that it was the best (& at the time, the only) way for me to learn. Like other teens, I was already fantasizing & having wet dreams (or whatever the female equivalent is called). I didn’t have a partner but I was teaching myself what I liked. That, to me, is very important.
I remember one clear day in high school. There was this guy that was dating the best friend I mentioned earlier. Let’s call him Trevor & her Cindy.
Trevor & Cindy weren’t sleeping together. Trevor was part of the football crowd even though he didn’t play football. He always had this douchebag persona but he was kind to me. He treated me like a human being & respected me a lot. Sure, he would make the occasional joke around his buds, but I knew he didn’t mean it. Peacocking at its finest. He & I would write notes back & forth. He was really into Cindy & wanted advice on how to please her.
Anyways, one day, Trevor comes up to me just before I walk into English. He pulls me aside & says very seriously, “Hey, I have to tell you something.” I look around to see if there’s anyone near me & I step into the corner with him. I lower my head & ask what’s wrong. “I thought you should know… John (obviously not his name) was using your picture to get himself off. He said he calls his hand your name when he jerks off. I thought you should know.” Trevor looks at me all concerned & anxiously waits for my reply.
I had several thoughts in my head. One, why is he telling me this? Two, am I supposed to be flattered or disgusted? Three, is this even true? Four, how does he know?
But overall, I thought of my own experience with sexuality. I thought of how little I knew & how this guy was probably in the same boat. I’m sure Trevor was looking out for me but it wasn’t like I was going to confront this sexually frustrated teen. I wasn’t going to judge his friend, even if it was true. Someone else’s fantasy is none of your business. Or as I heard the other day, “don’t yuck someone’s yum.”
I thanked Trevor for telling me & I walked into class. I didn’t look at the fellow student differently & I did my best to push it out of my mind. Partly because I didn’t know what to do. And partly because I was going through my own sexual experience. It didn’t feel right to shame John when I myself was feeling shame about exploring my own body & realizing I was attracted to boys & girls. I had enough confusion & problems on my own. I didn’t need to drag John into it.
This is what comes to mind when I spoke to my friend who felt shame in taking care of her needs. Who am I to judge? We’re all human. There doesn’t seem to be a stigma against taking a nap if you’re tired but there is one in getting yourself off to help you sleep. To me, I don’t see the difference.
Again, I’m not even getting into my views on porn (consenting adults can do whatever the fuck they want). Just basic self-love is healthy & normal & should be treated as such. And for all the haters? Fuck ’em.
finding my truth 