Well hello there
As you know, work has been insane. By the time I log off, I’m completely spent & utterly exhausted. Some times I have to nap over lunch & after work just to make it through the evening. It’s not that the work itself is difficult. There’s just a lot of it. Since starting my job 13 months ago, I would guess my workload has doubled, maybe tripled. We just hired another AR specialist just so I wouldn’t be the only one dealing with all of this on my own. This is her second week but she seems to be catching on. I feel like I can finally get a breath of air.
Moving along because, OMG, I’m tired of thinking about work…
In the midst of this craziness, I realized I need to keep the rest of my personal life in order so nothing tips over into darkness. I’m not even talking about socially or romantically. I literally mean my own personal shit. My body, mind, & soul – the “holy trinity,” the bottom layer of my hierarchy of needs. It’s Maslow-approved. 😉
I’ve been trying to realign my focus on my body. I wanna get good sleep, put good food in my body, take my vitamins, etc. Some days are better than others, sure, but overall, I’ve had a vast improvement to what it used to be. Dr. G told me to work on my mantras & one of them I’ve been saying to myself is, “I’m not a garbage disposal. I don’t have to finish everything on my plate.” Another one is, “I deserve a happy, healthy life.”
The trick with mantras is to get them deep in your subconscious so that you start to believe positive attributes about yourself. And that takes time. I’m just now at the part where I’m starting to think, “Yeah, maybe this is for me. Maybe I can do this.” I used to roll my eyes & scoff at it so I’ve made progress.
I can tell it’s starting to sink in. I’m drinking more water, I’m more aware of what I’m eating, & I even started to exercise again. It’s always been a mental battle for me. Which brings me to my next point…
I’ve come a long way in the last 5-7 years (#IYKYK). I started seeing two therapists, I got on the proper medication, I cut off toxic family members & so-called friends, I left a cult, I embraced my Jewish heritage & began converting… I changed a lot.
I stripped myself completely down. I dug up the foundation, told myself, “I’m doing this right,” & tossed the rest. My previous thinking & internal belief was fucked. Like termites & black mold, it ate away from the inside out & you never really know the damage until chunks of wall or the floor are crumbling in your hands.
Anything that could be removed was. Sometimes, it was extremely painful. Other times, it was like flipping off a switch. I’ve used this time to reevaluate who I am & who I want to be, not who my parents want, my fake friends want, my “church leaders” want. I had spent over 30 years pleasing others & it NEVER worked. Now, it was my time.
It’s been a long process. I feel like I’m just now seeing the positive changes in my life. I don’t regret doing this earlier because I wouldn’t have made it. It requires a lot of strength & there’s no way anyone can do it on their own. It took years to realize I needed outside health & an unbiased opinion, someone who couldn’t be manipulated by my mom or cult leader, who could really help me.
Sticking with the house analogy, I feel like some areas of my mind have stronger framing up. A few rooms have drywall & are ready to paint. Another room or two is getting electrical work done. But regardless of where each room is in their renovation, the foundation is strong & has been set up correctly this time. It’s not based on others’ opinions but on my own.
In an effort to protect my healing, I’ve backed off of FB completely. I realized how much it was fucking with my mental wellbeing & I had had enough. I’ve stuck with “happier” social media platforms & I’m not on them nearly as much as I used to be. Coupled with my mantras, like “perfectionism is a myth” & “you’re going to get through this,” I’ve been doing a lot better. My mind is better.
Not perfect, but better. I did have an OCD trigger a week ago but I’ve been okay since then.
Friday night was the first time in 15 (?) months that my synagogue was open for service. It was amazing. The energy was so high & elated. People were singing loud, laughing at the sermon, & applauding those who shared their stories. It was also my first time being there as a full-fledged member. My membership was accepted a few months back, but to show up & worship with my community was another level.
My soul feels refreshed & reenergized. I’ve been putting off the last few tasks for my conversion because, frankly, I lost steam. But now, I feel like I could take a step forward again & finish strong. I’ve even been humming along a few Hebrew songs that have been stuck in my head (Mah Tovu & Adonai S’fatai Tiftach, in case you were wondering). 😉
Because my mind is more balanced, it’s easier for me to balance my soul & my body. And the best part is that I’m happy & I feel in control of what I can control.
Dare I say it… Life is good. 🙂