I try really hard to not compare myself to others. I know I should only be in competition with myself.
But I’m human. And more than that, I’m an American woman.
As much as it pains me to say this, society has ingrained in me to compare myself to other women. Coupled with my own insecurities, I find it really hard to resist that siren’s song.
There are so many beautiful, talented, lovely women out there. And yet, I feel like I fade into the background. My thighs aren’t toned like hers. My eyes aren’t sky blue & sparkly (they’re whiskey brown). I’m not crafty by any means. I don’t know how to make a pie from scratch & I hate waking up extra early.
I am not Wonder Woman.
I have a friend who was interested in this fit, successful woman, AG. Bought her products, actively flirted with her, the whole bit. My body & my checkbook may not look like hers, but I thought I was better looking. Not trying to toot my own horn but I didn’t get it. Why was I so jealous?
I realized I was jealous over the attention she was getting. I felt like I had more to bring to the table (both in looks & personality) but she would always win because she was thinner & more successful than me. She would naturally attract people to her & I didn’t get it. It’s basically this Sarah Andersen comic:
So not only do I feel like I have to work extra hard because I’m not as thin or successful, but now I have to prove my worth to get attention? It doesn’t seem right but I keep running into this issue.
What is it about me? Is my large, loving heart not enough? Is my shoulder too hard to cry on? Is my freely given, seasoned advice too generous? Do I need to change who I am completely to get any attention or appreciation?
I realize I’m sounding like a brat saying, “Gimme love & attention!” But it’s more complicated than that. It’s rooted in my childhood from being ignored. I felt like I was more popular when I was in college & drunk all the fucking time. When I stopped that lifestyle, so did the calls. I was suddenly very alone & crashed hard.
Since being in therapy & more grounded, you’d think I would be over this. But I’m not. I still crave the attention others get just for being themselves. When I’m myself, I blend in & more times than not, go unheard & unnoticed. Even in a group of friends, I feel alone. I’m not going for pity here. Just being honest with my perspective.
I know I shouldn’t be jealous of someone else being in the spotlight with their friends or with anyone, really. I should be happy for them. Instead, I find myself shutting down & comparing myself to the beauty queen who is surrounded by love & light.
Ugh. Will I ever get through this?
Makes me think of I’m Not That Girl…