I deserve better

Oh my. Where to start? I’m just gonna dive right in. I’m sure I’ll piss some people off but IDGAF. I’ve been silence & complacent for too long. Now they get to know exactly how I feel & how shitty they’ve been treating me. And if they’re surprised, they haven’t been paying attention.

I’m fucking over it. I’m over “friends” canceling on me. I’m over them making excuses with me. I’m over pulling teeth to get them to spend one hour with me. I’m over reaching out to them in my moment of darkness with nothing in return. I’m over being the free therapist. I’m over feeling like I’m talking to a wall. I’m over hearing, “I just want to be home tonight” every single time. I’ve offered to drive, to pay, to do 95% of the work & they refuse to meet me at 5%.

Fuck you. I’m out.

I’m trying my best to not go all scorched earth because that’s my initial knee-jerk reaction. Instead, I’m opting for completely backing off. I bet they won’t even notice & that really makes my blood boil.

Just a sneak peek as to what it looks like for me:

I have one friend who has canceled on me twice because they wanted to hang out with others. I have another who is always “tired” or conveniently sick so we haven’t gone out in a year or two (seriously). I have another who claims they’re not going out during the pandemic but is regularly going out with others. I have another that after one fucking hour decided they wanted to go home, even though I had completely rearranged my evening to be with them.

It hit me last night: if I died, all of these assholes would show up in tears & pretend they loved me & actually cared. But when I’m feeling low & could just use some support, no one is there. It’s like if it doesn’t benefit them in some way, there’s no interest or interaction.

I don’t do friendship half-assed. And the fact they think they can be complete assholes to me & that I’ll be okay with it is infuriating. Do you know how many times I’ve been there for others? How many times I crawled out of bed half-asleep, threw clothes on, & drove across town to get their drunk ass? How many times I spotted them some money because they ran out? How many times I showed up or sent flowers when a loved one died? Or how many times I’ve offered to do what they wanted to do because I wanted them to be happy? How many times I’ve faked a smile & took a Klonopin because I was uncomfortable but they’re having a good time so fuck my feelings?

They don’t seem to realize how much I rearrange for them. If we make plans, it’s on my calendar. It’s in stone. I will work out all the responsibilities on my end & double check with them the day of. I try to be mindful of the time both by being punctual & not staying out too late with my early larks. I’ll pay for the meals, drive them around, & be a listening ear to their problems. I text them when I’m home, thank them for a lovely time, & look forward to seeing them again. I’ve been super broke & I’ve done all of this because I truly love my friends. I’m beginning to really see that it’s one-sided.

I have (well, HAD) it on my calendar to reach out to different friends every day. Every. Fucking. Day. I know the darkness I’ve been in & I know what it’s like to feel alone. I wouldn’t wish that on an enemy. So I will check up on my friends to make sure they’re mentally okay & see if they want to get together.

Is it excessive? Maybe. But I’m a product of a lonely childhood as well as trauma from abuse. I’m gonna go the extra mile to make sure everything’s okay. It’s just how I’m wired. I don’t expect them to do the same nor do I expect them to hang out with me all the fucking time. The issue I’m running into is that NO ONE wants to talk to me, hang out, or anything that might be beneficial to me. Why should I scratch your back just because? What’s in it for me?

Knowing that some of them will read this & feel guilty, let me be clear: I don’t want your pity parties or lame excuses. Keep that shit to yourself. The damage is done. As of now, I have zero interest in getting together with anyone. I don’t trust any of them anymore. I’ve reached out my hand & they’ve slapped it away. So fine. I’m done.

I decided I’m tired of being hurt & disappointed. I’m tired of being the bigger person. I’m tired of pretending & saying, “it’s okay” when it isn’t. I’m tired of wishing, hoping, & flat out telling them what I need, only to have it fall on deaf ears.

And so, I’m out. I’m no longer initiating anything. No conversations, no funny memes, no dinners, nothing. I’m always the one who has to say something first & I’m done with that. We’re all adults. And it’s 2021. If total strangers can get a hold of me, what’s their excuse?

I deserve better than this. Their disrespect is palpable.