I decided to take January off. Partly because I was swamped with work. Partly because I wasn’t feeling up to snuff. Grief, stress, & horrible people who claim to love you. But let me get you caught up on what’s going on.
So remember the Grandma I wanted to see for Passover? She passed peacefully in her sleep. Thanks to COVID, I lost my chance to see her again. She was two weeks shy of her 89th birthday so she lived a long & wonderful life. My aunt (her daughter) set up a memorial/shiva-esque service for her. It was so good to see my extended family members. This is the Jewish side so it was wonderful to hear us all say kaddish for her. And because it was over Zoom, I was able to see my judgmental mother’s face the whole time. She looked like she was in disgust. I was instantly angry. My brother isn’t a practicing Jew so he didn’t know kaddish either. But he was able to sit there respectfully & not look like he ate something bitter.
To me, this was Final Strike #1.
About a week later, I learned my childhood best friend’s father (who was like a second parent to me) unexpectedly passed. He was 69. My mother told me & my brother this via text. He had passed the night before Shabbat, to which I said how Talmud mentions it’s a good omen to pass right before Shabbat. It’s almost as if the family member is ushering in a time of rest & peace for the family left behind. She snapped back, “Well, he didn’t die on Shabbat. Nice thought, though.” In her mind, she’s always right & I’m always wrong. Even when I’m saying comforting words. Final Strike #2.
Then a few days ago, I learned a pure gentleman had passed. Again, he was a family friend & someone I had admired. He & his wife were the kindest, most loving couples I’ve ever met. They really were in love their whole lives. I can’t imagine the pain his wife must be in.
Three deaths within 4 weeks. Fuck. All of them were for different reasons (natural causes, heart failure, COVID) but each one had sincerely touched my life. I was in shock. I felt like Death was purposely taking the “good ones” to be a dick. She completely glossed over it to talk about HER life & when I didn’t give her the answer she wanted, she sent me an email on “how to be happy.” Fuck. You. Final Strike #3.
I was livid. But not in the “angry, screaming, turning red” way. No, I’m done. Completely done. I set up an auto-filter to archive her email. I haven’t replied to her MULTIPLE calls & texts since then & I don’t plan to. I need to just block her but I haven’t bothered with it yet. It’s all too painful. She’s still my mother & there’s a trauma bond there. Goddammit.
I told my brother what’s going on. How vicious & brutal she’s been to me. How every time I talk to her, I completely uproot any healing I’ve made. How she doesn’t approve of anything in my life. How my chest was hurting & I had to take a Klonopin because she angers me so much. How she’s literally driven me to suicidal thoughts & tendencies because nothing is good enough for her. She’s a narcissistic, emotionally immature bitch who can’t even feign interest when her mother-in-law passes.
There’s no reason for her to be in life, & so, I cut her out. Like I said, it’s not an easy process & I don’t have all the answers. I’m just taking it one day at a time. I know she’ll blame me. This is all my fault, like everything else in life. She’s always the victim & is innocent. I’m being ungrateful & evil & blah blah blah. Nothing will change & I want to keep my hard-earned healing. And so, it’s my time to go.
“But you can’t just –” Watch me. I can’t & I won’t play her games. I’ve done that for 38 years. The rules always change, the goal posts always move, & I can never win. I can’t remember the last time she said something genuinely kind to me, if she ever had. But I could write volumes of the hate she’s vomited all over my life. I’m in therapy from the YEARS & YEARS of abuse. If that’s not reason alone to walk away, I don’t know what is.