So this isn’t on my list of items to tell you but it’s really important to me so it jumps to the top of the list. I spent some time yesterday going through my old posts. And in true fashion, I cringed. A lot. 😉 I guess that means I’ve grown, right?
But more than cringing, I was shocked. Just…wow. To see myself at my lowest when my mind was all fucked up is scary. No wonder my friends were concerned. What was reality was not what was in my head (schizophrenia? Probably). I had created my own reality (delusions) to cope with the critically low serotonin levels in my body. At the time, I didn’t understand what the big deal was. I couldn’t see it. It’s only after I was on the right medication & going through therapy could I see what they saw.
This post is for them.
My sweet friends, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how terrified you were. Believe me when I say I didn’t see it. I didn’t think it was that bad. The voices in my head were loud & told me what was the truth. When my therapist said she wanted me to be admitted, I thought it was drastic. I didn’t see what she saw & what you saw. I could only see what my sick mind saw.
I wholeheartedly apologize for scaring you.
My SO was scared too. He told me repeatedly that what I thought had happened hadn’t & that we were okay. I wasn’t hallucinating but, God, maybe that would’ve been easier. I was taking VERY MINOR issues & letting my mind run with it. I had a very warped sense of reality that left me paralyzed. The fact he stood by my side throughout all of it tells me I don’t deserve him.
In short, I was very sick. While I knew it was bad, it wasn’t until I reread everything that I realized how bad. There’s a lot in 2018 I don’t remember. I don’t know if it’s my mind protecting me or the wonderful side effect of being on the right meds. I’m asking you, my kind reader, to please forgive me & to wipe the slate clean. If I know you personally, I’m sure I said or did something that was less than marvelous & I sincerely apologize. I’m forever grateful for you for staying with me while I’m working on getting healthier.
It’s never easy admitting you were wrong, & boy, was I wrong. 😉 But here’s what I got right:
I found two good therapists (one for therapy, one for my meds) & I see them on a regular basis. Just because things are stable doesn’t mean you stop going. They both literally saved my life.
I did ALL the work my therapists gave me. Therapy only works if you do. If you want to change, you have to make hard choices & decisions. That means going when I didn’t feel like it, talking to others when I wanted to be silent, & making myself be active when I wanted to stay in bed.
I haven’t cut in a long time nor have I had any suicidal ideation. When I looked back at those old posts, I didn’t recognize that woman. I’m not her anymore.
Religion is important to me so I got myself involved in a local house of worship. I love my temple & I’m in the process of fully converting to Judaism. I’ve never been happier. 🙂
I had a wonderful support system of friends & loved ones who regularly checked on me, even though they were scared shitless. Like I said, I don’t deserve their kindness. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to them.
I removed as much toxicity as I could. I cut off unhealthy family members, I left damaging workplaces, & I broke away from a cult. If I would’ve stayed with any of those, I would be dead right now.
I kept going. Even when I didn’t feel like it. I had gotten my will updated, said my goodbyes, & gotten “my house in order.” I was gonna peace out. But I kept going & I’m really glad I did.
Thank you again for being with me. This is the happiest & healthiest mentally I’ve ever been. There have been a lot of happy tears because I didn’t think this was possible. Thank you for being you & for helping me reach this level.
I love you. More than you know.