An open letter to an old friend…

Hey –

I know we haven’t really talked in a few years but I need to get a few things off my chest. I figured this would be the best way to do it for a few reasons. One, I’m giving you your space but not sending this to you directly. Two, you can have deniability if/when your SO (B – going forward) starts losing their shit. Three, this is my safe space so I can just be me.

Of course, I’m taking a risk by hoping you’ll see this without sending it to you but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. In my mind, the pros outweigh the cons. And if nothing changes, at least you know where I stand.

Disclaimer: If you know me even a little bit, I feel like you know my heart. You’ve mentioned to me before that you have read my blog so I’m banking on that, & with our previous lives, you’ll understand my intentions. If you’re unsure about any of this & need clarity, you have my email, phone number, & other ways of getting a hold of me. I welcome your thoughts & critiques, even if it’s to say “fuck off.” We can keep it just between us, if that helps.

This letter is me volleying the ball over to you. It’s now in your court.

So.

What the fuck is going on? And I mean that in the nicest way possible. I’m lost as to what I’m supposed to do or, more accurately, what I’m “allowed” to do. Look, I get B not liking me. Join the club, honey. I haven’t even met them so I’m not sure what I did to piss them off. They’re not the first nor will they be the last. As you know, I’ve dealt with this issue since I hit puberty so whatever. You even saw it first-hand many years ago…you know exactly who I’m referring to. 😉 In fact, we even joked about it later. In my heart, I feel like you know it’s ridiculous.

I’ve maintained my distance out of respect for B’s wishes even though I’ve hated it & I can’t imagine you’re a fan either. You’ve always had a heart of gold so shutting someone out seems out of your wheelhouse. But whatever, I get it. Better to keep the peace in your own home, right?

You told me you didn’t think it was “right” for you to talk to me because you’re in a relationship (the fact I’m in one, too, doesn’t seem to matter? Seems sexist but alright). But you also said you wanted to be friends. I won’t hear from you for months & then I’ll get some notification from you like all is well & like you haven’t been AWOL.

To be blunt, I’m all fucked up. I don’t know what my role is here. In fact, I even asked you that but you didn’t answer. Yeah, I noticed. 😉

We’re allowed to be friends who rarely talk because B deems that acceptable? What the hell kind of relationship is that? Do I have to get permission now? That’s not who I am. I don’t do anything half-assed. All or nothing, remember.

I proudly wear my heart on my sleeve. If you’re broken, I’m broken. If you’re happy, I’m happy. I will put my own desires aside to see my friends succeed. It’s just how I’m wired. So to be held at such a distance is…painful. Especially, since I don’t know what I did to deserve this. Have I not been loving, supportive, & encouraging? Did I say or do something to hurt you? It all feels like a game & I don’t know the rules.

Honestly, I just want a few answers. You’ve got your own shit to deal with but I need some clarity on my end. Point me in the right direction & that’ll sustain me for the next few months. Maybe you have to wait until you don’t have a second shadow. But I do believe I deserve some courtesy.

C’mon now. You can do this. 🙂

Question 1: What are we? Are we friends? If so, can you fucking reply to anything I’ve sent like a normal friend? 😉

Question 2: You mentioned you had to pull back from social media to focus on your family & I applaud you for that. It takes balls to realize something you want to change & to admit it to a friend or foe or whatever the fuck I am. I’m all for that but I don’t agree with completely cutting yourself off from your other friendships. That’s not healthy…Unless that was just meant for me, which if that’s the case, see question #1.

(Okay so that wasn’t so much a question but Q#1 has 3 questions in it. Just roll with it. This isn’t easy to do.)

Question 3: What is my role here? Who am I to you? Am I a threat? Am I harmless? This is shit you have to answer within yourself & come to terms with. Then let me know how it affects me. If you want to talk it out with me & work through the details, I’m here. I don’t judge & I don’t reject. There’s nothing you could say that would shock me. Safe space. 🙂

Question 4: Am I allowed to talk to you? Sometimes, I’ll find something online that makes me think of you but I don’t send it because I don’t know the rules. Am I gonna piss B off? Or you? Or cause problems because this meme is hilarious? God, this is such a mindfuck.

Question 5: Can you do me a solid & stop changing the rules? I don’t play games. If you want me in your life, make an effort. Gimme something to work with. This half-in/half-out shit is making my anxiety & OCD go bananas. I think you’re the bee’s knees & I would love to have you in my life. See? Now you know exactly where I stand.

Regardless of your answers, I respect you. You’re one of the few people I know who actively go after what you want. The fact you’re just now doing what I thought you should be doing 20+ years ago makes my heart swell with pride. Whenever we did talk, you were very encouraging & approachable even when I was at my lowest. And if that’s all I can have from our friendship, then I’ll happily take it. But if this chapter isn’t closed, I’d like to know.

Blecch. I know this is a lot. It’s been heavy on my mind (as you can tell) & it took a lot of balls for me to put myself out there. Read it over a few times, think about it, & somehow communicate with me (carrier pigeon also works 😉 ) so I can sorta figure out what my boundaries are.

– SC

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