Stuck in the grey

Some days I feel like I can’t win. And this week has been one of those “days.”

I feel stuck in the blurry grey area. It feels like everything is fucked up no matter what I do. I have been actively trying to do the right thing, to go out of my way to shower others with love or to make their lives easier, & every single fucking instance has blown up in my face.

Where to start…

RELATIONSHIPS

I’m ready to scream. Cry-scream, really. I tried to do something cute & their own fucking insecurity was projected on me. Like it’s my fault they have paranoid issues. Even after I tried to explain my intentions, it doesn’t seem to matter. They think I’m “spying on them” & that makes them “uncomfortable.” What the actual fuck? Do you know me AT ALL? Do you think I have the time or the MENTAL ABILITY to “spy?” I would be terrible because I would be like this:

Complete with the red eyes from the lack of sleep & half-burned cigarette. 😉 As someone with OCD, I CAN’T spy on anyone’s shit. I won’t stop & I know this. I thought they knew that about me. I’m so angry to be unheard & misunderstood. I tried to clear my name & they shot back comments like, “I’m not having this convo” & “don’t turn this around on me.”

I can’t fucking win so fine. Fuck you. Believe what you want. I’m done trying.

WORK

Okay, so my day job has been weird. My bosses (RS & SB) haven’t said much to me about anything lately. The small interaction I’ve had with them seems short & like they’re annoyed. There’s been a couple shifts in my job description as the CFO has changed his mind. I feel a little lost & alone. I spent today walking on eggshells because no matter where I turned, it seemed to be wrong. I really don’t know how I’m fucking up but I’m really scared I’ll be fired. Even though Dr G says that’s not gonna happen, they’ve changed. It’s been about 2 weeks of this weird, eerie silence. And like today, I emailed them to see what to do about this one situation & I got a response like, “Just wait.” Okay…? So yeah. I feel like I’m fucked.

My night job was okay but it could’ve been better. Classes started up this week & my boss (RV) was highly stressed. She’s like a real life version of a Disney cartoon chipmunk. But she came up to me 4x during my 2 classes to give me some kind of correction. Like I said, I know she’s stressed but 4 times within 90 minutes is excessive & makes me feel like I’m not doing a good job. So, naturally, I think she’s pissed at me & I’m scared to go in on Monday.

OTHER RELATIONSHIPS

I feel like my other relationships have been weird & distant. Again, I’m trying to not take it personally…HOWEVER…when every single person is busy or silent, you start to wonder if it’s you. My family relationships have me uneasy as well. They’re looking for drama where there is none & I feel like I’m stuck in high school. Ugh gross.

HOME LIFE

Fucking A. I’m so behind in my own personal home life. I’ve had clothes in the wash for over 24 hrs now. Dishes in the sink & dishwasher. Very little food in the house. I’m down to like $50 until payday (tomorrow – but that low amount hasn’t happened in YEARS). I can’t get caught up. Something will happen & completely throw all my good intentions out the window. I’ve been in a lot of physical pain but I’m avoiding the doctor because I’m scared of the result. Fear of the unknown is a very real phobia of mine.

I feel completely trapped. Like a mouse on a glue trap. I can’t shake myself free. I’ve been struggling a lot this week but I’ve kept it to myself. Not even those closest to me know what’s up because they’re all busy with their own shit. I’m not quite suicidal but I also don’t have a lot of hope. I’ve been stuck in survival mode for so long that it’s affecting me in other areas. I’m currently breaking out into hives, I haven’t been sleeping well, I’m in a lot of physical & mental pain, & every day is a blurry repeat of the day before with no end in sight. I’m at a lost of what to do next. How do I escape? Or is there no escape?