Derailed

Today’s a rough one. There’s your warning.

Why are relationships so hard? Why is it so difficult to have someone try to own up to their mistakes & fix the damage they’ve caused? What is it about me that everyone just brushes over what I need? Is it too much to ask to meet me halfway?

Since Thursday, it’s been one giant clusterfuck. I’ll try to explain what’s going on while maintaining some sense of privacy.

Relationship 1: Holy fuck. Shit hit the fan & hard. I found out I was right about this other situation & called them out on their lying & other bullshit. I don’t think I’ve ever been that hurt. Lying is a whole different level for me. I was a child of serious verbal & emotional abuse. The worst thing you can do to me is lie. And they did.

I’m beyond hurt & crushed. My heart is absolute powder & my hope for the future is miniscule. If this person who swore to me that wouldn’t lie to me & then they did, what’s to say that anyone else won’t do the same? My faith in humanity is fucking gone. People are absolutely the worst. I’m done trusting others.

Things are really thin & fragile right now. We’re trying to work through some issues but it’s hard to do when I keep running into the problem. I also feel like I’m constantly asking for a sign of good faith, so to speak. Why do I have to do that? Shouldn’t they want to do it anyways?

Regardless, I’m upset because I found yet another piece of their fuck up. I tell them & there’s no, “I’m sorry” or “How can I make this better?” Nope. Just “oh come on.” I was stunned.

I’m still not sure what to say or do. This is a serious issue for me & they don’t seem to get it. I’ve explained it ad nauseum. At this point, I can’t say or do anything else. If they can’t admit the damage they’ve done, then there’s no point in me trying. I want to fix things but I can’t be the only one. I honestly don’t know what the future for this relationship is gonna be.

Relationship 2: Okay, this one makes my head hurt. This is the one I had recently referenced. Once again, I’m the only one who is hurt by their actions. I don’t see myself as an overly sensitive soul. Just keep your fucking word. Why is that so unheard of?

Anyways, I saw them this weekend. I was apprehensive about it, because unlike them, I remember what happened the last time. They acted totally fine. And then it hit me. They really don’t think they did anything wrong. Blowing me off was not an issue to them. Sigh. Once again, I’m the one who is left upset & damaged. Oh, there were also some comments that I didn’t like but they don’t have mental illness so I’m trying to tell myself it’s ignorance not malicious intent.

Relationship 3: This one leaves me confused so there isn’t much to say. Some days are great & then there’ll be like a week without saying a fucking word. I can’t figure it out. Is it me? Is it them?

I’ve been really feeling alone lately. Dr G says to reach out & let others know, but this is what happens when I do. And honestly, I’m tired of putting myself out there only to have it dismissed. I take my relationships seriously but I think I’m the only one who does.

So what’s next? I don’t know. I haven’t talked to R2 or R3 today. After the latest incident with R1 (about an hour ago), I had to let them go for today. I’ll wait to see what they do. They’re annoyed, I’m upset, & nothing is gonna change that tonight. I don’t have the strength to go through another fight just to be heard. I’m tired of fighting for myself.

I’m crying in the tub, listening to my music, & just waiting until I can go to bed. I wish they could see how much this fucks me up. I’m completely derailed.

I think I’m gonna pull back from everyone. I’m so tired of being hurt & constantly being disappointed. No one matches my effort so I’ll match theirs.

I’m really not doing well. I’m fantasizing about cutting. We’ll see…