So after my last quasi-drunken rambling, I decided I needed a break. A break from people, a break from blogging, a break from anything I could get away from. I know I’m still healing & that it’s not a linear process. Some days are awesome & others are really rough.
I had a heart-to-heart with myself. Why do I let myself get so upset when they don’t care? Why do I crave others’ approval, attention, & love? Why can’t I be strong enough & say, “fuck it?” All the questions I had were spiderwebbed from the same source – my mother. When you’ve been trained with unhealthy coping mechanisms (both physical & emotional) & told your best isn’t good enough, you develop this perfectionist drive to be 100% on-call for others. When it falls short (& it will), you fall. Hard.
Dr. G has been working on it with me for a while. I do feel like I’ve made some progress. She says it’s gonna take a while & to be patient. We’re rebuilding some foundational core beliefs. It’s not something that pops up overnight, y’know.
Anyways, I took a shower & talked to myself. I cried, I hugged myself, & I forgave myself. That’s not easy to admit. No one likes to be vulnerable. But, TBH, I feel a lot better. I gave myself permission to be human. Sometimes, I’m overly sensitive & that’s okay. I expect people to take me seriously as I take them & forget that they’re human, too. Maybe they’re going through their own shit & are trying to process it. Maybe they overcommitted & can’t make it work. Who knows?
I definitely have pulled back. It’s been about two weeks of my little hiatus & I can tell I’ve turned a corner. I’m not angry or hurt or vindictive or whatever. I’m almost at peace with the whole thing.
I am starting to cut the strings loose & to let them fly away. I shouldn’t be the one to hold them down & keep them grounded. If they want to go, go.