Sick in the head

I’m not doing well. I was supposed to go out with friends tonight & they cancelled. Why does this shit keep happening to me? What is it about me that says that you could cancel on me & that I will just deal with it on my own?

I had already rearranged my schedule go out tonight so I’m out by myself. I’ve had a few drinks & I’m sitting here crying by myself. I feel so alone. What do I have to do to be seen? I always think of other people’s needs & what they need at that time. And here I am alone. Believe me, I reached out to others & I got nothing in return. I don’t think people realize that depression is an ongoing battle. Those who don’t know think they helped you one time & they did their good duty for the day. I really needed to see people tonight & I’m still sitting here alone. It really did just reaffirm it to me that my needs are not important & everyone is dealing with their own shit I can’t bother to take a step away to help me with mine.

And so here I am. I’m drinking at my favorite local bar by myself. I have tried to reach out & I have tried to tell even those closest to me how I’m feeling. Nobody has bothered with checking up on me. I guess they just figured I’ll get over it. I keep hearing stories of people saying, “Oh, I wish they would have reached out.” Let the record show I tried to reach out & I got nothing in return.

So after sitting here by myself & crying for a while, I decided to make a new plan. I’m done reaching out to others because no one is there. Which is so funny to me because they always say if you’re upset or if you’re depressed, reach out & I’ll be there. But I did that & no one cares. Or maybe they care but they don’t want to inconvenience themselves to even text me to see how I’m doing. So I’m done trying. I’m just going to keep everything to myself & handle my own shit.

For those who don’t know, it’s exhausting getting the strength to reach out to others. And to have them dismiss it so easily is a pain I hope you’ll never experience. I feel so alone & so invisible. Makes me wonder why I even try. I think I just need to be alone for a while. I feel like nobody understands or cares what I need & what I’m going through. I’m just expected to keep a stiff upper lip & deal with it. But you know what? I’m tired of dealing with it on my own.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I think I need to recoil & be alone. Nobody else seems to think like I do or consider others feelings like I do. And I’m tired of having my heart constantly crushed. I tried talking to somebody about it tonight & they said that it was my fault for not telling them where I was at. Basically it’s my fault for leaving all the crumbs out and saying I’m not doing well but not flat out pulling them along. That’s bullshit to me. Like if I lay all the foundation out & flat-out say, “Hey, I could use some company,” & nobody cares, I am no longer responsible. I told you what I needed. I hate this stupid belief that I’m supposed to lead everyone to where I’m at to get them to help me. If you’re this oblivious to other people in pain, then fuck you.

Having said all of that, I’m going to cash out & probably cry myself on the way home. And outside of you, dear reader, no one will know the pain that I experienced tonight. Because I’m sick in the head & no one seems to care.

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