My monsters

My insecurity has been at an all-time high lately. I’m paranoid, overly cautious, & feeling like a fake & that everyone will find out. I’ve been so scared & anxious, I feel paralyzed.

I keep feeling like I’m gonna fuck up with my new job. They’ve told me repeatedly that I’m doing great & they’re happy I’m there. I did screw up a little today & they blew it off. I don’t trust it. It’s too accepting. It feels like they’re fucking with me.

I’m getting in my head a lot. With everything being shut down because of COVID & my country on high alert because of George Floyd’s murder (#BLM), I’m feeling very scared & very worthless. Every day is the same & it’s wearing me down. There’s no end in sight & the madness just keeps growing.

My sleep has literally been a nightmare. I’ve been waking up multiple times at night drenched in sweat & gasping for air. Even in my dreams, I can’t find peace.

I find myself having tics a lot. I guess “tics” isn’t the best word as I don’t have twitches or muscle spasms. It’s more like scratching my nails on my hands, rubbing my hands, taking short breaths, & being extremely rigid with time & numbers. Little things others don’t see but I know what it means: I’m hella stressed & I don’t need to have an episode of any kind.

And lastly, I’ve been emotionally eating. This one is very hard & very painful to admit as it’s an issue I’m coming to grips with – I hate my body. I get upset & I take it out on myself. I could use the Down Dog app I bought or YouTube or anything else but I don’t. I could eat super clean but I don’t feel like I deserve it. Yep. This is my eating disorder & just admitting it makes my stomach all knotted up.

So these are my monsters. I’m pretty sure there’s another one but I’m too scared to face him so for now, I’m just doing some research.

Ugh. That was difficult.

But this is me. This is what I’m constantly fighting against. Some days are better than others.