Ugh. Depression is a bitch. Let me tell you how it’s been for me.
Okay, so obviously, everyone is dealing with isolation from COVID-19. Staying home isn’t an issue for me. And if one more person tells me, “Oh, you’ll be fine! You’re an introvert!”, I swear to God…
Yes, I’m an introvert (ISFJ) but introversion isn’t synonymous with isolation. There’s a reason why solitude works in prison – it breaks you down. Human beings need interaction. I feel completely pulled apart & separated from my life. Granted, everyone else is going through this so at least that helps. It’s not just me. It hurts, yes, but I’m still standing & I’m in this fight.
Then I got fired. I’ve been looking for a job & I’ve applied at 45-50 different places. That’s not an exaggeration. I couldn’t keep up with all of the jobs so I made a spreadsheet. That alone should get me hired. 😉 I’ve had a few interviews but given that most places are on a hiring hold right now because of COVID-19, I’m told to wait or I’m passed over.
Even at this point, my therapist was like, “Damn.” Mentally, I’m starting to see spots & I’m getting a little woozy.
Then my phone died. Holy fuck. I’ve had it for about 3 years so that’s good. But my one connection to my friends & to get a job was gone in a blink. And since then, I’ve been completely numb. I was able to switch over to CG’s old phone that’s on the fritz but at least it works 60-70% of the time versus 0%. My new(er) phone comes on Wed so I’m hoping that’ll work smoothly.
I’m not suicidal nor do I have any urge to cut but the depression is still there. Meds & therapy help soften the blow but I still get knocked down. I told a friend it’s like a trapeze artist that falls onto the net. They didn’t hit the ground, no, but they still fell & had all of the “fight or flight” tendencies as if they did. I can see the bottom versus a dark abyss. See? Progress. But it still sucks & it’s still very difficult to deal with.
Today is Day 18 in quarantine & Day Who-the-Fuck-Knows for depression. I’m trying to stay somewhat focused & productive but some days are better than others.