I’ve had this song in my head all day. It’s like LMM wrote it for me.
When I first heard this song, it resonated within me. Seeing Hamilton sealed the deal. In this incredible musical, Burr is alone on stage & singing how he’s “willing to wait for it.” Wait for his chances with love, with his career, with his life. I know Burr is the antagonist, but true to form, he’s the character I connected most with.
You know I have (as in diagnosed with) depression, anxiety, & OCD. This concept of waiting is really fucking hard for me. It makes me feel vulnerable. My heart is exposed while I’m waiting on others. I find myself rubbing my hands a lot & pacing my apartment. I’m running out of things to do. TBH, I’m entering into a panic mode.
My mind is swirling with worst-case scenarios. What if I’m not good enough? What if this is the end? What if they don’t want me? What if, what if, what if.
I’m trying HARD to be patient & to wait. They will contact me when they’re ready. What’s meant to be will be. I’m envious of those who can just sit back & relax. Those who can enjoy a day off. That’s not me. I’m sitting here quietly crying & trying to control my breathing. This is a low moment. Something I try to hide from others. I don’t like to appear “weak” or defenseless.
I’m softly rocking back & forth, focusing on the music in my earbuds, & trying to stay in control. My hands are shaking & I’m very aware of my chest. Pains haven’t started but it is a little tighter than normal.
I need to find something to do. I need to move before this takes over.
I have gobs of time to kill. I have to wait for them…
I’m trying, Leslie…