Stop

“OMG why can’t you drop it?”
“Just fucking stop.”
“Why do you care so much?”
“Move on already!”

I hear this shit all the time. Welcome to my world.

All of this can easily be explained. And after having a big fight tonight, I figured I should work through these feelings & actually take the time to explain why.

The simple explanation? OCD. The complex explanation? Keep reading.

Here are some common phrases I hear & why it doesn’t work. Hopefully, this will help you understand this mental illness a little more:

“Okay, so? Just stop it.”
– No, no, dear friend. It doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t just stop. It NEVER just stops. It’s constantly in motion. I remember being told to “count sheep” when I was younger & couldn’t sleep. Pretty much the worst thing you could say to someone with OCD.

“I thought you were on meds & seeing a therapist?”
– I am but there’s no cure. It controls it most of the time but it’s still there. Sure, I’m not crying & yelling at myself to stop counting or checking. But it’s still there. It doesn’t go away. We all saw “A Beautiful Mind,” right?

“Why can’t you drop it?”
– Don’t you think I want to? Don’t you think I wish I could? This bothers me way more than it bothers you. You may get annoyed with me bringing it up for a second or third time. But to me, it’s been playing nonstop for weeks & if I don’t get it out, I’ll collapse.

“Fucking stop.”
– It would be easier to tell a wildebeest stampede to stop. There is no switch. There’s no control box. There’s nothing I can do to permanently shut it down.

“Take some meds”
– Medication isn’t like the Hoover Dam. Think of it more like a beaver dam. It’s gonna stop a good amount, sure, but the river of thoughts & compulsions are still coming through. There’s still current & movement.

I can’t stop. I can’t quit. I’ve spent hours pacing or being stuck on a number or doing the same activity over & over. And if I can’t work through it, I give up. I know my limits & if it’s too much for me, I back down & spend hours trying to find a solution.

I think people hear OCD & forget it stands for OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE disorder. I’m driven to do certain activities & I can’t stop thinking about them. I’ve cried more times than I can count begging for it to stop playing in my head.

Yes, I like things clean & orderly but it’s more than that. It’s the inability to rest, to move on, to stop. It’s a living hell & you wouldn’t tease others if you knew a fraction of what it’s like.

Don’t tell me to stop. Don’t tell me to drop it. Don’t tell me to forget about it. It would be easier for me to stretch out my arms & fly…