After probably around 3 years, I’ve finally turned a corner with my dreams. I’m so happy I could cry.
Let me explain.
Since Day 1 of starting on medication, I dream roughly 5 nights out of 7 THE SAME DREAM. Maybe not identical every night but it’s all the same song & dance even if the stage is different.
“Ugh. That sucks. I thought you were a lucid dreamer? Just change it.”
Yeah, usually I am. But with this, I can’t. I’m completely trapped. Paralyzed, really.
“What are you dreaming?”
I’ve been dreaming about being stuck in my childhood home & I can’t escape. Most of the dreams, I’m trying to pack a suitcase & GTFO. I pull open my dresser drawers to see all the clothes I wore 20 years ago. I chuckle to myself at 90s fashion & reminiscence for a bit.
Sometimes, I glance around my room & pick up a few childhood treasures like old trophies, stacks of CDs, beanie babies (90s, remember), & pictures of me & my friends. I’ve laid down on my bed & looked at the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling. I’m always my current age & my parents treat me like I’m a child.
In every dream, I’m not instigating conflict. I’m minding my own business &, big shocker, they’re pissed at me. At some point during the yelling or growing tension, I realize my age & say, “Wait a minute… I can leave!” Not once have I been successful in leaving. I always wake up right before or my Mom prevents me from leaving, like has my Dad steal my car keys or something. Again, true to form.
Sometimes I wake up with chest pains, but more often than not, I’m just annoyed. I mean, it’s been a few years of this. C’MON, BRAIN. I’ve talked to Dr. G about it & she kinda:
She doesn’t think it’s a big deal. She’s not one to decipher dreams but understands it’s just our subconscious doing its thing. Seeing how she’s the professional & an outsider, & she’s looking at it from a healthier perspective, I tend to believe her.
But OMG. It gets OLDDDD.
Now, I’m starting to shift away from the toxicity. In the one from the other night, I actually left this “church” (“cult” is more accurate), got in my car, & drove away. Even when my car tried to break down (several times) & all these unhealthy, old friendships wanted a ride, my dream self said, “No. This isn’t happening. I deserve to be happy.” I don’t fight back or engage in any drama. I walk away.
I’m really proud of myself for starting to see the real changes are seeping down into my subconscious. Here’s hoping my dreams will change & something new will happen.
To myself & to them…