Scrambled

Well, hello there, beautiful!

How are things with you? Are they as scattered as they are with me? Fantastic. We’re in this together.

It’s been so hard for me to focus these last few weeks. I’m sure it’s from all the holidays (HanukkahChristmasHanukkahNewYear’s – as if it was all one thought). People are off of work, businesses have wonky hours, & I find myself being like, “Wait, what’s today?” a lot.

I think I’ve been like this for the past 2-4 weeks. I know I need to talk to you about it & get it out of my head. Sometimes, it’s just a scrambled mess & I can’t sort it out. And when I try, I’m quickly overwhelmed with my inability to control it all. #OCD

I want to tell you what’s all going on in one cohesive, easy-to-read thought but since I’m not sure where to start, I find myself just staring at the screen &  closing the tab because it won’t be “perfect.”

Fuck. Does anybody else struggle like this? UGH.

Okay, so to just get it out, here’s what’s going on with me:

—PHYSICAL BULLSHIT—

My gastrointestinal system has been, as CM so accurately put it, like a roller-coaster. A few days here & there of emptying out (no other symptoms) regardless of what I was eating. Huh. Weird.

And then Sunday happened. (TMI warning)

Holy. SHEEEET.

I haven’t been THAT SICK since… 2002? Vomiting, diarrhea, chills, vertigo. Hell on earth. Crawling to the bathroom because you’re so dizzy & lightheaded & then emptying out on some end because you were dizzy & lightheaded is torture. I was violently emptying out & in massive quantities. I think I threw up a little blood but I couldn’t really tell for sure so I ignored it.

I figured I was an 8 or 9 on my personal sick scale. I told myself if I hit 10, I was going to the ER. I didn’t want to go for them to be like, “Oh, it’s stomach flu. Go home & rest. That’ll be $3000.” God bless the American healthcare system… /sarcasm

Twelve hours later, and I’m back to eating light foods, taking care of things, & mellowing out. It was a rapid virus, for sure. Just as quickly as it had hit me, it was gone. I’m still not sure what it was all about. I thought it was food poisoning for a while but the chills & vertigo are more common with flu. Who the fuck knows. It’s gone & I survived lol.

—PERSONAL BULLSHIT—

I’m sure I’ve told you this before but I’m becoming more & more intolerant of other people’s bullshit. I’ve been using the last year or so to back off & stop giving advice. It’s a process. When you’ve known someone intimately for so long, your lives are woven together. I can’t just cut myself loose. I’ve only done that a few times with extremely toxic people. Most people aren’t assholes; they’re unhealthy & need to heal – a huge difference. I can’t let them siphon my healing off & if they refuse to listen to my experience, they don’t get a refill.

I feel like I still have a few strings attached but I’m working through them. I’m making sure I won’t bleed out if I remove them, so to speak.

I’m also finding myself not giving a fuck when it comes to what family members can see on my FB page. Granted, they don’t know about you, my sexuality, & most of my mental illness & they probably never will.

And Dr. G agrees so there you go. 😉

But I’m no longer hiding my thoughts, my humor, my opinions on matters that are important to me. I can tell I’m ruffling feathers but I’m tired of hiding all of that in to appease people who wouldn’t do the same for me. And you know what? I’m happier.

Ahh… It feels good to talk it out with you. You really are the best. 🙂 It’s about 0100 here so I should go to bed. I do have to work tomorrow & kick some ass. I’m gonna work on keeping you better updated with everything so it doesn’t turn into a scrambled, chaotic mess.