So I have a bit to tell you what happened yesterday…
I’ve helped with Kiddush a few times at the temple. Rabbi S has tried a few times & I insist on taking over (I can just see his white tallit fall into the grape juice! Ugh!) or he just asks me directly. It’s handing out juice to everyone so it’s not a big deal but it’s a way for me to be involved that means a lot to me.
But yesterday, Rabbi S invited me to help with the Torah service! As in, “Please rise as we start our Torah service. SC, can you join me at the bimah?” Umm YES!
To me, it’s just an honor to be asked to help. It’s a great mitzvah & I’m more than happy to do it. But as you know, I’m fairly new to all of this so my Hebrew was…rough. Thankfully, both he & Rabbi B are patient, loving, understanding people who encourage me every step of the way. They both told me, “Yishar koah!” which means a lot to me. Even if I’m reading the transliteration & going slower than someone who is well-seasoned, it’s comforting to have their love & support right by me.
Later, I looked up the video to show my SO what all I did. And holy shit. I’m huge. Okay, so maybe “huge” isn’t the best word but for my height, frame, build, whatever, I’m carrying way too much weight. It’s huge for me. Meh.
I can tell my back hurts from carrying the Torah & any additional weight that’s already on me. Ugh. Here it is, a wonderful moment & I don’t recognize myself.
Fuck. Is this what it’s like for others to look at me?
In the past few weeks, I’ve become increasingly aware of being the “fat friend.” It doesn’t matter the circles I’m in & I can’t tell you how much that burns. Especially since I used to be the “fit friend.”
Once it really hit me, my chest started to hurt & get tight. Well, fuck. This isn’t a nightmare; this is my reality & I can’t snap out of it. I know I used food instead of therapy for years. And I know I’m getting healthier every day. But I need to move now. Like NOOOOOW.
I see Dr. G on Tuesday so I can ask her why I start & stop a lot. Trust me – just mentioning this to you is beyond difficult.
I’m getting better, stronger, wiser, blah blah blah. But I’m still hitting some wall that I’m not seeing. So in an effort of full disclosure & hoping that’ll work, I’m planning on just working through it here.
I’m already down around 10 lbs so that’s good but I need to rev it up.
UGHHHH. Stressful as fuck.
Wish me luck…